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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 04.06.21 08:00l 258 Lines 8960 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 20349_GB7YEW
Read: DJ6UX GUEST
Subj: jokes 4/6
Path: DB0FHN<DB0RBS<DB0ERF<DB0RES<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<W0ARP<AL0Y<GB7YEW
Sent: 210604/0549Z 20349@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Look for rain when the crow flies low
------------
Thanks Colin T-
Mary asked Jean, "What's the best form of birth control for the over
50's?"
Joan replied, "Nudity."
--
Notable Quotes
Talkers are no good doers.
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
--
This was written by a guy ... it's pretty damn smart.
Girls -- Please have a sense of humour!
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
Much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I
Have never figured out why men think with their head and women with
Their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,
The passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel
Like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to
Hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for
Me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for
Who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
Her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
Unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
Several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one
To take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
Compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each
Outfit."
We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of
Diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have
Thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was
Testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even
Know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She
Was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is
All dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't
Feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
"WHAT?"
I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me
To satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,
"Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy
You?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least she
Knows I'm smarter than her.
Ladies. Forward this if you agree, just like your jokes.
Hell even if you disagree, forward it anyway.
Men, forward this if you have the courage !!!!
__
Newlywed's Question
-------------------
Newlywed Bride: "Will you love me when I'm old?"
Newlywed Groom: "Love you? I shall idolize you. I shall worship the ground
That you walk on. I shall -- errrr ---uhhhh---- wait--- You're NOT going to
Look like your mother, are you?"
Not The Best Reference
----------------------
At times managers are asked to provide references for former employees, by
Companies considering hiring them. On one firm's form was the question "Was
This person a steady worker?"
Since the guy was a well known do-nothing, his manager entered "Not just
Steady, but motionless" in the space provided.
Poison
------
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I
Have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
"My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "Are you sure? Why would she do
Such a thing?"
The man then pleads, "I don't know why, but I'm telling you, I'm certain
she's poisoning me. What should I do?"
The Rabbi thinks a bit, then says, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll
See what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke with your
Wife. I called her and we talked on the phone for 3 hours. You want my
Advice?"
"Yes, yes, of course." said the man.
The Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."
-------------
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take
the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the testimonials of a few people who put their
foot-in-mouth...
1.
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a
blow-job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back.
My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.
2.
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of
the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he
could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I
think I like playing with men's balls."
3.
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold
a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display
case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I
replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I
turned beet-red and walked away. This, my sister has never let me
forget.
4.
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to
release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to
grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance
from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving
"right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just
as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I'll tell
Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange even
the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank
with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were
screams of laughter.
5.
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training
and I was on at him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between
errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While
enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I
checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.
Then I realize that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while,
so I asked him if he needed to go and he said "NO".
I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and
don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said, "Danny, did you have an accident?"
"No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,
because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an
accident?"
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and
spread his cheeks and yelled: "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos,laughing! He
calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best
laugh they'd ever had!
6.
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a
very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future,
likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....
We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to
have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So
Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too,
they were laughing so hard!
------------------------
A young girl on a one year training course in South Africa recently
received a "Dear John" letter from her boyfriend back home. It read:
"Dear Mary, I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance
between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you
twice since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm
sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you. Love, John
Mary, with hurt feelings, asked her colleagues for any snapshots they
could spare of their boyfriends, brothers, ex-boyfriends, uncles,
cousins etc. In addition to the picture of John, Mary included all the
other pictures of the pretty lads she had collected from her buddies.
There were 57 photos in that envelope along with this note: "Dear John,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the hell you are. Please
take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me. Take
Care, Mary"
--
Best Wishes
Dave.
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