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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 01.06.21 08:30l 217 Lines 6253 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 20223_GB7YEW
Read: DJ6UX GUEST
Subj: jokes 1/6
Path: DB0FHN<OE2XZR<OE5XBL<DB0RBS<DB0ERF<DB0RES<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<PI8ZTM<
VE3CGR<GB7YEW
Sent: 210601/0616Z 20223@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
What sunshine is to flowers, smiles are to humanity
----------
John F - thanks…...
23. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the
Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”
24. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up
their own incision? Suture self.
----
Arbitrary systems, pl.n.:
Systems about which nothing general can be said, save "nothing
general can be said."
---
You may have heard that a Dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.
-- Alfred Kahn
--
We have locally a vast scrap yard in the middle of an isolated and
derelict area.
The Council decided that "Someone may steal from it at night.", so they
created
a night watchman position and hired a person for the job, and rightly
so.... however......
The Council then examined itself a asked, "How does the watchman do his job
without instruction?”, so they created a planning department and hired two
people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time
studies.
After a while the Council said, "How will we know the night watchman is
doing the
tasks correctly?", so they created a Quality Control department and
hired two
people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Ever progressive and efficient with an eye on our welfare, the Council
said, "How
are these people going to get paid?" so they created the following
positions for a
time keeper, and a payroll officer. They then hired yet two more people.
Then the Council said, "Who will be accountable for all of these
people?" so they
created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative
Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then at the end of the Financial Year someone noted a thing or two and
declared
that, "We have had this in operation for one year and we are £18,000
over budget,
we must cutback overall cost."
After consulting a Private Firm of Management consultants, they laid off
the night
watchman, and that's how Local Government works and employs more people
each year
-------------
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher,
smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~
RADIO LINCS PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona .
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant : I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.
STEVE WRIGHT SHOW, RADIO 2
Wright: On which continent would you find the River Danube?
Contestant: India.
Wright: What is the Italian word for motorway?
Contestant: Espresso.
Wright: What is the capital of Australia ? And it's not Sydney .
Contestant: Sydney.
THIS MORNING
Judy Finnegan : The American TV show 'The Sopranos' is about opera. True
or false?
Contestant: True?
Judy Finnegan: No, actually, it's about the Mafia. But it is an American
TV show,so I'll
give you that.
BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE
Paul Wappat : How long did the Six Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.
BOB HOPE BIRTHDAY QUIZ, LBC
Presenter: Bob Hope was the fifth of how many sons?
Contestant: Four
BBC GMR, PHIL WOOD SHOW
Wood: What "K" could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er...
Wood: It's got two syllables... Kor...
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha no. The past participle of run...
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I...
Contestant: Walked?
DARYL'S DRIVETIME, VIRGIN RADIO
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Daryl Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.
The best double-entendres from British media in the past few years...
Michael Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer
For warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold
Out there, they're rubbing each other and he's just come in his shorts."
Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to
Use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen
Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World
Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he
Wished he had a hard on now."
Winning Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's
formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what
he sees."
Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's
nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What
does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Rubens Barrichello?"
Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today
after a 69."
Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live
said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed
and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that
eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave
the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is
playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his
balls and kisses them... Oh my God!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"
Ted Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I
once rode her mother."
New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl
Gibson comes inside of him."
Pat Glenn - Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing
--
Best Wishes
Dave.
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