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ZL3AI > XMAS 19.12.06 22:40l 82 Lines 3971 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 9313-ZL3AI
Read: GUEST
Subj: 12 Days of Xmas
Path: DB0FHN<DB0RGB<DB0MRW<DK0WUE<DB0RES<TU5EX<IW2OAZ<ZL2BAU
Sent: 061219/2137Z @:ZL2BAU.#79.NZL.OC #:21732 [Waimate] $:9313-ZL3AI
From: ZL3AI@ZL2BAU.#79.NZL.OC
To : XMAS@WW
12 Days of Christmas Re-Examined in Light of Competition
--------------------------------------------------------
Global challenges require the North Pole to continue to take more
competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures
are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary.
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be
the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic plant, providing
savings in maintenance costs.
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost
effective. In addition, their romance during the working hours could not be
condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated.
The three French hens will remain intact and we may actually expand the
number of hens used. A recent time-motion-profitability study proved that
using illegal migratory fowl is extremely profitable as it eliminates the
company's need to provide employee benefits because the hens do not meet
federal residency requirements.
The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system,
with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the
birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked. Once this
information is determined, the Accounting Department will deduct the costs
of any inappropriate non-business calls from their final paycheck.
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors.
Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative
implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other
precious metals as well as a mix of T-bills and high technology stocks
appear to be in order.
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be
afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per
goose per day is an example of their decline in productivity. Three geese
will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by the
Personnel Department will assure management that from now on every goose it
gets will be a good one.
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times.
Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The
current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes to better enhance
their outplacement.
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy
scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the work force is being
sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward
mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending,
a-mentoring, or a-motoring.
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be
phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
Let me hasten to add that the company policy prohibits age discrimination.
Should these individuals be asked to leave prior to their voluntary
retirement, rest assured our Law Department will ensure an ironclad defense
against an employee lawsuit.
Ten Lords-a-Leaping is overkill. The high costs of Lords plus the expense
of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest
replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping
ability may be somewhat sacrificed, significant savings should result due
to the number of congressmen left unemployed by the election.
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the
band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on
new music and no uniforms will produce savings to the bottom line.
Though incomplete, studies by our latest consultant indicate that
stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop-ship
in one day, service levels will be improved and we can expect a substantial
reduction in the use of part-time personnel.
Happy Holidays!
73, David ZL3AI.
http://www.geocities.com/zl3ai
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