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PE1BJB > MS       29.03.96 13:58l 144 Lines 4766 Bytes #-10858 (0) @ WW
BID : 42492_PI8VNW
Read: DF7RG DG2GAQ DG1SGB GUEST
Subj: Microsoft
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Sent: 960329/1058Z @:PI8VNW.#ZH2.NLD.EU #:42492 [Hoek v Holland] FBB5.15c
From: PE1BJB@PI8VNW.#ZH2.NLD.EU
To  : MS@WW

TOPSECRET!!! SOURCE CODE!!!! CHECK THIS OUT!!!

Look what we've intercepted from Microsoft after a week of
hard-hacking their computer system:

Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE) :


#include <nonsense.h>
#include <lies.h>
#include <spyware.h> /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include <process.h> /* For the court of law */

#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WHO_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define soon way_in_the_future
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version

void main()
{
   if (latest_window_version > one_month_old)
   {
      if (there_are_still_bugs)
         market(bugfix);
      if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
        raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
   }
   while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
   {
      make_false_promise(it_wil_be_multitasking);
          /* standard call in lies.h */
      if (rumers_grow_wilder)
         make_false_promise(it_wil_be_plug_n_play);
      if (rumers_grow_even_wilder)
      {
         market_time = ripe;
         say("It will be ready in one month");
         order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
         order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
         order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
         vapourware=TRUE;
         break;
      }
   }
   switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
   {
      case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
         say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we'r just testing.");
         break;
      case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
         say("Yes it will work");
         ask(prgrammers, why_does_it_not_work);
         pretend(there_is_no_problem);
         break;
      case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
         say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to"
             "the 32-bit architecture");
         inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
         inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"
                "'cos all those customers will need at least 32 meg");
         inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
         get_big_bonus(INTEL,SAMSUNG,QUANTUM);
      case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
         say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for everyone");
         register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
         when(time_is_ripe)
         {
            arrest(journalist);
            brainwash(journalist);
            when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
            {
               order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
               release (journalist);
            }
         }
   }
   while (vapourware)
   {
      introduction_date++; /* Delay */
      if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
         break;
      say("It will be released in", today+ONE_MONTH);
   }
   release(beta_version);
   while(everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
   {
      bills_bank_acount += 150*megabucks;
      release(new_and_better_beta_version);
      introduce(mor_memory_requirements);
      if (customer_report_installation_problems)
      {
         say("That is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
         if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promissed_plug_and_play)
         {
            ignore(customer);
            order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this 
                                            b*stard");
         }
      }
      if (bills_bank_acount > skyhigh && marriage > two_years)
      {
         divorce(woman_that_was_beautiful_when_I_married_her);
         wave(dollars, @lusty_chicks);
         marry(young_blonde_virgin_with_big_boobies);
         devirginize(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
         if (boobies_start_to_hang)
            dump(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
      }
      if (there_is_another_company)
      (
          steal(their_ideas);
          accuse(company, stealing_our_ideas);
          hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
          wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
          buy_out(other_company);
      }
   }

   /* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are angry at us */

   order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
   buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);
   laugh_at(everyone, for_having_the_patience_to_wait_year_after
             _year_for_another_unfinished_version);
}

void bugfix(void)
{
   charge(a_lot_of_manye);
   if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
      say("This is not a bugfix but a new version");
   if (still_complains)
   {
      ignore(customer);
      register(customer, big_Bill_book);
      /* we'll get him when everyones uses Billware */
   }
}


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