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ZL3AI > HUMOUR 20.03.04 12:24l 181 Lines 8532 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
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Subj: Martha/Hospital/Pragmatism
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To : HUMOUR@WW
Heeeeerrrrre's Martha!
----------------------
"Federal authorities have informed Martha Stewart's lawyers she will be
indicted for her role in the ImClone insider trading scandal. Good news for
Martha stripes are back in this year." Craig Kilborn
"Earlier today Martha Stewart issued a statement saying 'I am innocent and
will fight to clear my name.' Yeah, Martha then said 'I look forward to the
day when people stop thinking I am guilty and get back to thinking I am
cold and arrogant.'" Conan O'Brien
"The corporate scandals are getting bigger and bigger. In a speech on Wall
Street, President Bush spoke out on corporate responsibility, and he warned
executives not to cook the books. Afterwards, Martha Stewart said the
correct term was to saute the books." Conan O'Brien
"Martha Stewart denied allegations that she had been given inside
information to sell 4,000 shares of a stock in a biotech firm about to go
under. Stewart then showed her audience how to make a festive,
quick-burning yule log out of freshly-shredded financial documents." Dennis
Miller
"In New York the other day, there was a pro-Martha Stewart rally. Only four
people showed up ... and three of them were made out of crepe paper!" Conan
O'Brien
"When reached for comment on the charges, Martha didn't say much, (only)
that a subpoena should be served with a nice appetizer." Conan O'Brien
"Martha Stewart had an interesting show this morning she showed how to make
bail. Did you see that?" Jay Leno
"NBC is making a movie about Martha Stewart that will cover the recent
stock scandal. They are thinking of calling it 'The Road To Extradition.'"
Conan O'Brien
"Things are not looking good for Martha Stewart. Her stock was down 23
percent yesterday. Wow, that dropped quicker than Dick Cheney after a
double-cheeseburger." Jay Leno
"I heard this rumor that al Qaeda is merging with Hamas. Yeah, I got that
tip from Martha Stewart." David Letterman
"Tom Ridge announced a new color-coded alarm system. ... Green means
everything's okay. Red means we're in extreme danger. And champagne-fuschia
means we're being attacked by Martha Stewart." Conan O'Brien
Cost Cuts
---------
From: Administration
Re: Hospital Costs
In an effort to reduce costs this year, the following are effective
immediately. Please share this information with your patients and
physicians as soon as possible.
1. Food service will be discontinued immediately. Patients wishing to eat
will want to get their families to bring them a brown bag meal, or you may
make your own arrangements with Subway, Dominoes, etc. Coin-operated
telephones will be available in patient rooms for this purpose.
2. Our PBX operators have all been let go, so if you are walking through
the lobby and hear the telephone ringing, please answer it.
3. We have found it necessary to make substantial reductions in our
transport team so we ask the cooperation of all patients. One transporter
will take at least six patients in wheelchairs at a time to Radiology, PT
and other services. Please form a "train" by holding tightly on to the
handles of the wheelchair in front of you.
4. Our Emergency Room is really busy from 3 PM to 11 PM so, if you can,
please have your accidents and heart attacks in the mornings or early
afternoons. That would really help to reduce your wait.
5. To expedite surgery cases, all AM admits and outpatient surgery patients
are asked to be at the hospital 3 hours prior to surgery. Go to Central
Sterile Supply, pick up a clean instrument tray and surgery pack and
proceed to the Surgery Holding area. To help us reduce drug costs, please
take several Aleve prior to arriving at the hospital for surgery.
6. Patients anticipating the need for a bedpan can check one out in the
gift shop. They will be available in a wide variety of colors and styles to
meet the aesthetic and physical requirements of our patients. A deposit
will be required but is fully refundable if bedpans are returned clean.
7. To reduce patients' lengths of stay, nurses will have a choice of using
in-line skates or skateboards. To expedite response to patient's needs and
discharges, nurse call systems will be modified and will be wired to a
collar worn by nurses, which will deliver a mild shock when pushed by the
patient.
8. Taking a cue from the airlines, Respiratory Therapists will be replaced
by oxygen masks which will, should the need arise, automatically drop from
the ceiling over patient beds. If this occurs, please place the mask over
your nose and mouth and breathe normally.
9. The hospital got a real sweet deal on surplus white waiters' jackets and
these will be issued to all physicians. Doctors, we apologize in advance
because the jackets already had a first name embroidered on the pocket. We
will work with you to find a name that you can live with. If you also are
on the staff at the University Hospital, we hope this won't be a problem.
We recognize that in academic settings, "length of coat status" is very
important.
10. All first time moms are asked to volunteer to help out on the
Pediatrics floor - not only will this reduce hospital costs, but it will
give you a much needed experience and a dose of reality after ogling over
your own precious sleeping bundle of joy.
11. Housekeeping and physical therapy are being combined. Mops will be
issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range-of-motion
exercises as well as a clean environment. Family members and friends of
patients and ambulatory patients may also sign up to clean public areas to
receive special discounts on their final bills. Time cards will be
provided.
12. Plant operations and Engineering are being eliminated. The hospital has
subscribed to the TIME-LIFE "How to..." series of maintenance books. These
books can be checked out from administration and a toolbox will be standard
equipment on all nursing units. We will be receiving the series at a rate
of one volume every other month. We already have the volume on Basic
Wiring, but if a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to handle it as
best as you can until the appropriate volume arrives.
13. Cutbacks in the phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only
performing blood-related lab tests on patients who are already bleeding.
14. Physicians will be informed that they may order no more than two x-rays
per patient stay. This is due to the turnaround time required by Walgreen's
photo lab. Two prints will be provided for the price of one, and physicians
are being advised to clip coupons from the Sunday paper if they want extra
sets. Walgreen's will honor all competitors' coupons for one-hour
processing in emergency situations, so if you come across coupons from
other vendors, please clip them and send them to the Emergency Department.
15. In light of the extremely hot summer temperature and the high A/C bills
that we received last summer, out new policy is to have fans available for
sale or lease in the hospital gift shop. For those patients who do not wish
to use electric fans, the old reliable hand held cardboard fans on a stick
are free upon request.
16. The cost of hospital gowns continues to escalate so patients are asked
to bring their own pajama top which nurses will be happy to slit up the
back for you. Pajama bottoms are not permitted on patient units.
17. On the way to the hospital, please stop by Target or Wal-Mart and pick
up two sets of twin bed sheets. Should you require extra linens during your
stay, coin-operated washers and dryers are available for patient use.
18. Administration is assuming responsibility for grounds keeping duties.
If an Administrator cannot be reached by calling the Administrative
Offices, it is suggested that you walk outside and listen for the sound of
a lawn mower, weed-whacker, etc.
19. All patients scheduled for a mammogram are to stop first at "Hooters"
for a preliminary check out.
If you have any questions regarding these cost-cutting measures, please let
us know. Thank you for your cooperation.
Pragmatism
----------
Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for
some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one asked how the
other's husband was doing.
"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for
dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle
of the vegetable patch!"
"Oh dear! I'm very sorry," replied her friend, "What did you do?"
"Opened a can of peas."
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