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ZL3AI > HUMOUR 14.03.04 21:12l 167 Lines 7834 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
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From: ZL3AI@ZL3VML.#80.NZL.OC
To : HUMOUR@WW
Diary of a Mad Digital Homeowner
--------------------------------
Nov 28:
Moved in to my new digitally-maxed out Hermosa Beach house at last.
Finally, we live in the smartest house in the neighborhood. Everything's
networked. The cable TV is connected to our phone, which is connected to
my personal computer, which is connected to the power lines, all the
appliances and the security system. Everything runs off a universal remote
with the friendliest interface I've ever used. Programming is a snap. I'm
like, totally wired.
Nov 30:
Hot Stuff! Programmed my VCR from the office, turned up the thermostat and
switched on the lights with the car phone, remotely tweaked the oven a few
degrees for my pizza. Everything nice & cozy when I arrived. Maybe I
should get the universal remote surgically attached.
Dec 1:
Had to call the SmartHouse people today about bandwidth problems. The TV
drops to about 2 frames/second when I'm talking on the phone. They insist
it's a problem with the cable company's compression algorithms. How do
they expect me to order things from the Home Shopping Channel?
Dec 8:
Got my first SmartHouse invoice today and was unpleasantly surprised. I
suspect the cleaning woman of reading Usenet from the washing machine
interface when I'm not here. She must be downloading a lot of GIFs from
the binary groups, because packet charges were through the roof on the
invoice.
Dec 3:
Yesterday, the kitchen CRASHED. Freak event. As I opened the refrigerator
door, the light bulb blew. Immediately, everything else electrical shut
down -- lights, microwave, coffee maker -- everything. Carefully unplugged
and replugged all the appliances. Nothing. Call the cable company (but not
from the kitchen phone). They refer me to the utility. The utility insists
that the problem is in the software. So the software company runs some
remote telediagnostics via my house processor. Their expert system claims
it has to be the utility's fault. I don't care, I just want my kitchen
back. More phone calls; more remote diag's.
Turns out the problem was "unanticipated failure mode": The network had
never seen a refrigerator bulb failure while the door was open. So the
fuzzy logic interpreted the burnout as a power surge and shut down the
entire kitchen. But because sensor memory confirmed that there hadn't
actually been a power surge, the kitchen logic sequence was confused and it
couldn't do a standard restart. The utility guy swears this was the first
time this has ever happened. Rebooting the kitchen took over an hour.
Dec 7:
The police are not happy. Our house keeps calling them for help. We
discover that whenever we play the TV or stereo above 25 decibels, it
creates patterns of micro-vibrations that get amplified when they hit the
window. When these vibrations mix with a gust of wind, the security
sensors are actuated, and the police computer concludes that someone is
trying to break in. Go figure.
Another glitch: Whenever the basement is in self-diagnostic mode, the
universal remote won't let me change the channels on my TV. That means I
actually have to get up off the couch and change the channels by hand. The
software and the utility people say this flaw will be fixed in the next
upgrade -- SmartHouse 2.1. But it's not ready yet.
Finally, I'm starting to suspect that the microwave is secretly tuning into
the cable system to watch Bay Watch. The unit is completely inoperable
during that same hour. I guess I can live with that. At least the blender
is not tuning in to old I Love Lucy episodes.
Dec 9:
I just bought the new Microsoft Home. Took 93 gigabytes of storage, but it
will be worth it, I think. The house should be much easier to use and
should really do everything. I had to sign a second mortgage over to
Microsoft, but I don't mind: I don't really own my house now--it's really
the bank. Let them deal with Microsoft.
Dec 10:
I'm beginning to have doubts about Microsoft House. I keep getting an hour
glass symbol showing up when I want to run the dishwasher.
Dec 12:
This is a nightmare. There's a virus in the house. My personal computer
caught it while browsing on the public access network. I come home and the
living room is a sauna, the bedroom windows are covered with ice, the
refrigerator has defrosted, the washing machine has flooded the basement,
the garage door is cycling up and down and the TV is stuck on the home
shopping channel. Throughout the house, lights flicker like stroboscopes
until they explode from the strain. Broken glass is everywhere. Of
course, the security sensors detect nothing.
I look at a message slowly throbbing on my personal computer screen:
WELCOME TO HomeWrecker!!! NOW THE FUN BEGINS ... (Be it ever so humble,
there's no virus like the HomeWrecker...).
Dec 18:
They think they've digitally disinfected the house, but the place is a
shambles. Pipes have burst and we're not completely sure we've got the
part of the virus that attacks toilets. Nevertheless, the Exorcists (as the
anti-virus SWAT team members like to call themselves) are confident the
worst is over. "HomeWrecker is pretty bad" one he tells me, "but consider
yourself lucky you didn't get PolterGeist. That one is really evil."
Dec 19:
Apparently, our house isn't insured for viruses. "Fires and mudslides,
yes," says the claims adjuster. "Viruses, no." My agreement with the
SmartHouse people explicitly states that all claims and warranties are null
and void if any appliance or computer in my house networks in any way,
shape or form with a non-certified on-line service. Everybody's very,
very, sorry, but they can't be expected to anticipate every virus that
might be created.
We call our lawyer. He laughs. He's excited!
Dec 21:
I get a call from a SmartHouse sales rep. As a special holiday offer, we
get the free opportunity to become a beta site for the company's new
SmartHouse 2.1 upgrade. He says I'll be able to meet the programmers
personally.
"Sure," I tell him. "I can't wait..."
Bizarre Couples
---------------
Fabien Pretou, standing at 6ft, 2 inches tall, towered over his 3ft, 1 inch
bride Natalie Lucius at their 1990 wedding in Seysinnet-Pariset, France.
Harry Stevens, 103, married his 84-year-old cousin, Thelma Lucas, at a
Wisconsin retirement home in 1984.
In 1871, Captain Martin van Buren Bates married Anna Hanen Swan in London.
She was 7ft 5 1/2 inches tall and he stood at 7ft 2 1/2 inches.
When Ruth and Kevin Kimber married in 1990, she was 93 and he was 28.
In 1863, American dwarf Charles S. Stratton married Lavinia Warren. He was
2ft, 10in tall and she was 2ft 8 in. In 1884, the widowed Lavinia married
Count Primo Magri who was two inches shorter than her first husband.
In 1995, following a courtship that lasted several months, 100-year-old
Samuel Bukoro married 12-year-old Nyamihanda in Uganda.
In 1994, 26-year-old Anna Nicole Smith tied the knot with 89-year-old
millionaire J. Howard Marshall. She was attracted by his "kindness."
Single..Can you tell?
---------------------
After driving up and down several lanes, I finally found a parking spot at
the shopping mall. I noticed another man driving very slowly in the same
direction, and, since he was closer, I gave him the "Are you going to park
there?" look.
His responding gestures were very complicated. First he shook his head.
Next he pointed at me, then at the parking space and then at himself, his
watch and the mall. Finishing off, he frowned, raised his palms upward and
shrugged. Once I parked, I walked over to the driver to make sure he didn't
want the space.
"You must be single," he replied. "If you were married, you would've known
that was the universal sign for 'Go ahead and take the spot. I'm waiting
for my wife.'"
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