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ZL3AI > HUMOUR 31.01.04 13:46l 159 Lines 5587 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 2741-ZL3AI
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Subj: Kids/Labels/Fees
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To : HUMOUR@WW
Kids
----
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign??
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go slow."
TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your multiplication on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!
TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile"?
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how *I* spell it!
TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!
TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we
didn't have ten years ago.
WILLIE: Me!
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is.....
TEACHER: No, Ellen.. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right.... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
TEACHER: Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?
JOHNNY: Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time.
TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: Desmond your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as
your brother's. Did you copy his?
DESMOND: No teacher, it's the same dog!
TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people
are no longer interested?
PUPIL: A teacher.
SYLVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
Wackiest Warning Labels Ever
----------------------------
Warning on a bottle of drain cleaner:
"If you do not understand, or cannot read, all directions, cautions and
warnings, do not use this product."
That warning is the first place winner of the 2004 Wacky Warning Label
Contest. The Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch, a group whose goal is to show
that the fear of frivolous lawsuits has led to a loss of corporate common
sense, sponsors the annual contest for the wackiest warning labels. "Wacky
warning labels are a sign of our lawsuit-plagued times," Robert B. Dorigo
Jones, president of the nonprofit Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch group, said
in the news release announcing the contest winners. "It used to be that if
someone spilled coffee in their lap, they simply called themselves clumsy.
Today, too many people are calling themselves an attorney."
*Second place: On a snow sled: "Beware: sled may develop high speed under
certain snow conditions."
*Third place: On a 12-inch-high storage rack for compact discs: "Do not use
as a ladder."
*Fourth place: A 5-inch fishing lure with three nasty steel hooks advises it
is "Harmful if swallowed." Too bad fish can't read!
Previous winners in the "Wacky Warning Label Contest" are presented here for
your amusement and amazement:
* A warning on an electric router made for carpenters cautions, "This
product not intended for use as a dental drill."
* A warning label found on a baby stroller cautions the user: "Remove child
before folding."
* A bottle of prescription sleeping pills says, "Warning: May cause
drowsiness."
* A sticker on a toilet at a public facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan actually
warns: "Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking."
* A CD player carries this unusual warning: "Do not use the Ultradisc2000 as
a projectile in a catapult."
* An "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter cautions, "Do not use near fire, flame,
or sparks."
* A label on a hand-held massager advises consumers not to use "while
sleeping or unconscious."
* A container of underarm deodorant says, "Caution: Do not spray in eyes."
* A cartridge for a laser printer warns, "Do not eat toner."
* A household iron warns users: "Never iron clothes while they are being
worn."
* A label with a hair dryer reads, "Never use hair dryer while sleeping."
* A 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow warns: "Not intended for highway use."
* A cardboard car sunshield that keeps sun off the dashboard warns, "Do not
drive with sunshield in place."
* A bathroom heater says: "This product is not to be used in bathrooms."
* A can of self-defense pepper spray warns users: "May irritate eyes."
* A warning on a pair of shin guards manufactured for bicyclists says: "Shin
pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover."
* A popular manufactured fireplace log warns: "Caution: Risk of Fire."
* A box of birthday cake candles says: "DO NOT use soft wax as ear plugs or
for any other function that involves insertion into a body cavity."
* "Do not use snow blower on the roof."
* "Do not allow children to play in the dishwasher."
Fees
----
Two brawny men came to my house to install some new floor covering in the
kitchen. Once they had moved the stove and refrigerator out of the way, it
was not long before the job was done.
As they were getting ready to leave, I asked them to put the heavy
appliances back in place.
The two men demanded $45 for this service, stating it was not in their
contract.
I really had no choice but to pay them. As soon as they left, however, the
doorbell rang. It was the two men. They asked me to move my car, which
was blocking their van.
I told them my fee: $45.
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