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ZL3AI > HUMOUR 28.12.03 01:42l 146 Lines 5233 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 2566-ZL3AI
Read: DH0GHU GUEST DL4NWM
Subj: Rings/Ponder/After/Redneck
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Sent: 031227/2316Z @:ZL3VML.#80.NZL.OC #:15445 [Chch-NZ] FBB7.00i $:2566-ZL3AI
From: ZL3AI@ZL3VML.#80.NZL.OC
To : HUMOUR@WW
Things *NOT* to do when seeing Lord Of The Rings:
-------------------------------------------------
1. Stand up halfway through the movie and yell loudly, "Wait...where
is Harry Potter?"
2. Block the entrance to the theater while screaming,
"YOU.....SHALL....NOT..... PASS!" - After the movie, say
"Lucas could have done it better."
3. Play a drinking game where you have to take a sip every time
someone says, "the Ring."
4. Point and laugh whenever someone dies.
5. Ask everyone around you if they think Gandalf went to Hogwarts.
6. Finish off every one of Elrond's lines with "Mis..ter Ander-sonnn."
7. When Aragorn is crowned king, stand up and at the top of your
lungs sing, "And I did it.... MY way...!"
8. Talk like Gollum all through the movie. At the end, bite off
someone's finger and fall down the stairs.
9. Dress up as old ladies and reenact "The Battle of Helms Deep,"
Monty Python style.
10. When Denethor lights the fire, shout "Barbecue!"
11. In TTT when the Ents decide to march to war, stand up and
shout, "RUN FOREST, RUN!"
12. Every time someone kills an Orc, yell: "That's what I'm Tolkien about!"
See how long it takes before you get kicked out of the theatre.
13. During a wide shot of a battle, inquire, "Where's Waldo?"
14. Talk loudly about how you heard that there is a single frame of a nude
Elf hidden somewhere in the movie.
15. Start an Orc sing-a-long.
16. Come to the premiere dressed as Frankenfurter and wander around looking
terribly confused.
17. When they go in the paths of the dead, wait for a tense moment and
shout, "I see dead people!"
18. Imitate what you think a conversation between Gollum, Dobby and Yoda
would be like.
19. Release a jar of daddy-long-legs into the theater during the Shelob scene.
20. Wonder out loud if Aragorn is going to run for governor of California.
21. When Shelob comes on, exclaim, "Man!Charlotte's really let herself go!"
Things to ponder
----------------
How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for
your thoughts?" Where's that extra penny going?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be
a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up
every two hours and cry?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
One Day After Christmas
-----------------------
It's one day after Christmas
I'm crabby and I'm broke.
I'm so full of ham and fruitcake
I think I'm gonna croak.
It's nice to see the relatives
I wonder when they'll leave.
They've been camping in my bathroom
since early Christmas Eve.
They're eating everything in sight
and sleeping in my bed.
I been sacked out in the basement
with my beagle, Fred.
The relatives have all gone out
and left their screaming brats.
The toilet bowl is all plugged up
and I can't find the cat.
It's Christmastime at my house,
the relatives are here.
They eat me out of house and home.
and drink up all my beer.
I love the decorations,
and the sleigh bells in the snow
But I wish those pesky relatives
would take their kids and go.
Those cookie crunchers fed the dog
a twenty pound rib roast.
His feet are sticking in the air
like skinny old fence posts.
Now they're in a free-for-all,
the girls against the boys.
They're fighting over boxes
'cause they're bored with all their toys
My mother-in-law is snoring
in my favorite TV chair.
Those kids are stringing lights on her
and tinseling her hair
I oughta wake her up
before the fireworks begin.
But I wanna see those blue sparks fly
when they plug her in.
How To Tell If You're A HIGH-TECH REDNECK
-----------------------------------------
You take your net-connected cell phone to the outhouse to read your eMail
Your eMail address ends in ".over.yonder.com"
Your computer is worth more than all your cars combined
Your presence on the World Wide Web is a "Down Home Page"
You tripled the value of your truck by installing a portable DVD
You trim the kudzu back from your trailer so it won't mess up your DSL
You ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy"
Your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite tractor
You start all your eMails with the words "Howdy!"
You can fix a trolling motor with a set of PC tools
You've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your drink can on
The bumper sticker on your truck says "My other computer is a laptop"
You know that a 'network' has nothing to do with fishin'
Your baseball cap has an Intel logo instead of "CAT"
There's Bondo on your keyboard
You keep inventory of your truck parts, fishin' lures and country music
tapes in Excel
You've got every font ever made that looks like Old West signs or wood plank
fencing installed on your computer
You have "Free Bird" and "Achy Breaky Heart" on the MP3 player in your
truck
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