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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 18.04.22 08:15l 331 Lines 8230 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 29488_GB7YEW
Read: DJ6UX GUEST
Subj: Jokes 18/4 Last for a few Days
Path: DB0FHN<DB0RBS<DB0ERF<DB0RES<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<PI8ZTM<VE3CGR<GB7YEW
Sent: 220418/0600Z 29488@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Great oaks from little acorns grow
------
Thanks CT
Be careful when shopping on-line. We ordered a german shepherd and now
this guy lives with us!
----
SEEN PRINTED ON TEE-SHIRTS
4 OUT OF 3 PEOPLE
STRUGGLE WITH MATHS
---
Thought for the day
2020 is a very unique Leap Year.
It has 29 days in February
300 Days in March
5 Years in April!
~~~~~
Man sitting at home on the veranda with his wife and he says, "I
love you."
She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"
He replies, "It's me............. talking to the beer."
-----------
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their
squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded
that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere
with God's divine will.
At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery.
The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and
let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and,
unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels
showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of
God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free
near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the
Baptists took down the water-slide.
But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy! They baptized
all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see
them at Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first
squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.
------
Bill woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding
headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding
evening.
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put
some coffee in front of him.
"Samantha" he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I
think?
Even worse, she said, her voice oozing scorn.
You made a complete arse of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the
entire board of directors and you insulted the Chairman of the company, right
to his face.
He's an arsehole, Bill said, I could piss on him. "you did," came the
reply, And he fired you
"Well, screw him then" said Bill.
"I did" said Samantha, You're back at work on Monday. I'm not having you
hanging around the house all day
--------
Bubba and Earl, two really dumb redneck Hams from
Kentucky, were in a local Wal-Mart store looking
for Ham gear. Upon not finding any, they decided to
look around a bit. They stumbled upon a weekly
charity raffle.
They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The
following week, when the raffle was drawn, each learned
that he had won a prize.
Earl won 1st place, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti
sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a
toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed and the men met back at
Wal-Mart, again, looking for Ham Radio goodies.
Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied,
"Great, I love spaghetti, but is sure is hard to solder and
keep up in the air!"
Earl asked Bubba, "How about you? How's the toilet brush?"
"Not so good," replied Bubba. "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."
-------
Play
----
A young boy in the eighth grade came home from school one day and told his
father that he had been chosen for a part in a forthcoming school play.
The father asked him what role he would play and the boy told his that he
was to be the husband in the family featured in the play. The father then
said, "It's too bad that you weren't chosen for a speaking role."
Lawyers
-------
How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb.
Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb . . .
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it.
And one to sue the ladder company.
What are lawyers good for?
They make used car salesmen look good.
What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Senator.
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your Honour.
What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partners.
An anvil.
What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
The pronunciation.
What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
You cry when you cut up an onion.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
Why did God create snakes just before lawyers?
To practice.
Kids
----
A thoughtful kid is one who leaves enough gas in the tank for you to get to
the filling station.
A Mother Always Knows
---------------------
Tony excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get
married. Tony says, "Just for fun, Mom, I'm going to bring over two other
female friends in addition to my fiancée, and you have to try and guess
which one I'm going to marry."
The next day, Tony brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them
down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay, Mom. Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing! You're right, how did you know?"
His mother folds her arms across her chest and says, "I don't like her."
--------------------
Mildly sexual -
An out-of-breath 7 year-old girl ran up to her grandfather, who was
tinkering in his workshop, and confronted him with the universally dreaded
(by adults) question. "What is sex...?"
He was surprised she'd ask such a question at her age, but thought if she's
old enough to ask, she's old enough to get a straight answer. He wouldn't
shirk his responsibility. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he
proceeded to describe for her all the variations of human sexuality he could conjure,
careful to impress upon her the joys and responsibilities of intercourse and
procreation.
When finally Grandpa was done pontificating, the little girl stood frozen,
as though nailed to the spot, and looked at him with her mouth open, eyes
wide in amazement.
Seeing she was overwhelmed, he asked what caused her sudden curiosity.
His granddaughter shook off her reverie and replied,
"Grandma says dinner will be ready in a couple of secs."
---------------
What Religion is Your Bra?
A man walked into the ladies department of Myer's and shyly walked up
to the woman behind the counter and said, 'I'd like to buy a bra for my
wife. '
' What type of bra?' asked the clerk.
'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
' Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every
shape, size, colour and material imaginable. 'Actually, even with all of
this
variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from .'
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied: 'There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the
Presbyterian and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?'
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between
them.
The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple. ..
The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.'
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are
the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters
stood for, it is about time you became informed!
(A} Almost Boobs..
{B} Barely there...
{C} Can't Complain!..
{D} Dang!...
{DD} Double dang!...
{E} Enormous!...
{F} Fake...
{G} Get a Reduction...
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!...
They forgot the German bra.
Holtzemfromfloppen
--
Best Wishes
Dave.
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