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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 16.04.22 09:44l 439 Lines 11623 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 29397_GB7YEW
Read: DJ6UX GUEST
Subj: Jokes 16/4
Path: DB0FHN<DB0RBS<DB0RES<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<OK2PEN<GB7CIP<EI2GYB<VE3CGR<
GB7YEW
Sent: 220416/0716Z 29397@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Spring makes everything young except man
---------
Thanks CT
When I offer to wash your back in the shower, all you have to say is YES
or NO. Not all this, "Who are you and how did you get in here
nonsense?"
---
OSCARS, 2021. One for each category :
Film youâ€Öll never see;
Actor youâ€Öve never heard of; and
Director you wonâ€Öt remember.
-------
Thought for the day
PS - Due to Coronavirus, rising unemployment, dramatic increases in the projected deficit, as well as current market conditions - The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off!!!
-----
Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and see's him hanging
by his feet.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," Paddy replies.
"It should be round your neck," says the guard.
"I tried that," says Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe."
==================
~ Betsy Salkind...
Men are like floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
~ Jean Kerr...
The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
~ Prince Philip...
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
~ Harrison Ford...
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Spike Milligan...
The best cure for Sea Sickness, is to sit under a tree.
~ Jean Rostand...
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger...
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm
just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ WH Auden...
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have
no idea.
~ Jonathan Katz...
In hotel rooms, I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
~ Johnny Carson...
If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Steve Martin...
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing
a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Jimmy Durante...
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
.. ~ George Roberts.
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ Jonathan Winters..
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
~ Robert Benchley...
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
~ John Glenn...
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket
was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ David Letterman..
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes
that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
~ Howard Hughes...
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. Dammit, I'm a billionaire.
-------
Ode to the EU referendum.
‘Wonâ€Öt you join our Common Market?â€Ö said the spider to the fly,
‘It really is a winner and the cost is not too highâ€Ö
‘I know De Gaulle said “Nonâ€Öâ€Ö, but he hadnâ€Öt got a clue,
‘We want you in, my friends, for we have plans for you.
‘Youâ€Öll have to pay a little more than we do, just for now,
‘As Herr Kohl said, and I agree, we need a new milch cow,
‘Itâ€Ös just a continental term, believe me , Mon ami,
‘Like ‘â€ÖVive la Franceâ€Öâ€Ö or ‘â€ÖMad Anglaisâ€Öâ€Ö or even ‘â€ÖE.E.C.â€Öâ€Ö
‘As to the rules, donâ€Öt worry friend, thereâ€Ös really but a few,
‘You'll find that we ignore them - but they all apply to you.
‘Give and share between us, thatâ€Ös what itâ€Ös all about,
‘You do all the giving, and we all share it out.
‘Itâ€Ös very British, is it not, to help a friend in need?
‘Youâ€Öve done it twice in two World Wars, a fact we must concede,
‘So climb aboard the Market Train, donâ€Öt sit there on the side,
‘Your continental cousins want to take you for a ride.â€Ö
. --------
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE
IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:
1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA...... FLOOR.
2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANISATION.
3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS
AND APES?
4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL
THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF-
HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS
WITH SOAP?
8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF,
IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN
ENDANGERED PLANT?
12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
14. WHY DO THEY LOCK SERVICE STATION TOILETS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE
WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?
15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO
REMAIN SILENT?
18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
19. HOW DO THEY GET KOALAS AND WOMBATS TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE
YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA? (This one took me a minute)
23. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
29. WHY ARE HAEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HAEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?
30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRY DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME
DISORIENTED?
33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
34. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY', WHEN THE DOGS CAN'T
READ AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND??
------
A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter
Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting
the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and
was hit.
The basket of eggs went flying all over the place. Candy, too.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled
over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the
Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colourful Bunny was dead.
The driver felt guilty and began to cry.
A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of
the road and pulled over.
She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny
and killed it. There may not be an Easter for the children because of me.
What should I do? "
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do.
She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over
to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto
the little furry animal.
Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up
the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped
on down the road.
Fifty yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and
hopped on down the road. Then in another 50 yards, he turned, waved
hopped and did it again in another 50 yards!
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what could possibly be in
that woman's spray can.
He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What
was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
"The Times Are Changin"
-----------------------
(Sung to Bob Dylan's Song)
Come gather round people wherever you roam
And accept that the networks around you have grown
And admit that software piracy you don't condone
If your data to you is worth saving
Then you better make backups
On your Macs or PC clones
For the times they are a changin
Come students and staffers who double-click with your mice
And keep your eyes open - your screen savers look so nice
And don't blame network downtime on poltergeists
The new copy of WORD just delivered
Takes 2 dozen diskettes and needs 40 megabytes
Cos' the times they are a changin
Come faculty and administrators, please read your e-mail
It's been there for months now and it's getting stale
Our attempts to get more disk space from ADP have failed
The battle on campus is ragin
Whether we will use windows or Macs will prevail
Yup the times they are a changin
Come users and sysadmins all over the LAN
Your bandwidth requirements we don't understand
Your digital desktops and cryptic commands
Your multimedia stations
Were not in the budget of our five year plan
But the times they are a changin
With Ethernet, Token Ring and FDDI
We've got the best network that money can buy
With Internet access and registration on-line
But yesterday when he was cleaning
The janitor unplugged the power and all systems died
Oh the times they are a changin
Computer Spouses
----------------
Email Spouse
Of every ten things they say, nine are nonsense.
Hard Disk Spouse
Remembers everything. FOREVER.
Multimedia Spouse
Make horrible things look beautiful.
RAM Spouse
Forgets about you the moment you turn them off.
Screensaver Spouse
Good for nothing, but lots of fun!
Server Spouse
Always busy when you need them.
Windows Spouse
Everyone knows that they can't do a thing right, but no one can live
without them.
Sexual -
Magic Sandals
A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around
the
market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small
sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You
foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'
So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you
would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what
the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them,
being the Sex God that he was.
The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'
The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in
and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his
eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over
the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed
a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.
The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'
--
Best Wishes
Dave.
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