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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 15.04.22 08:45l 212 Lines 6875 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 29355_GB7YEW
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Subj: Jjokes 15/4
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Sent: 220415/0630Z 29355@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
The north wind has no corn and a poor man no friend
-----
Thanks CT
Looking at a tray of chicken legs at the supermarket, I asked the
shelf-packer if they were front or back legs. She didn't know and said
she'd find out . On her return, she said, "NOT FUNNY!"
--
Spoiler Alert for the new series of “Line Of Duty” – the police behave
badly and nobody resigns!
---
International Imitation Hemingway Competition
4/ The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie.
Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured whisky onto my granola and faced a new day.
-- Peter Applebome,
--
Two Irishmen find a mirror in the road.
The first one picks it up & says, "Blow me I know this face but I
cant put a name to it."
The second picks it up & says, "You daft idiot it's me!"
=================
Bad news from the Far East this afternoon as Japanese banks are the latest to be hit again.
Apparently, the Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly-up and Karaoke Bank
has gone for a song.
The Bonsai Bank is cutting back its branches
Yesterday, shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have
taken a hit, but they remain in the black.
Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something
fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
Chemist
-------
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, "It's the chemist. He insulted me terribly this
Morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even
Answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the chemist and demand
An apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the chemist told
Him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm
failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and
hurried out to the car, just to realise that I had locked the house with
both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.
Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later,when I was
about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to
the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store
opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone
Was ringing off the hook.
"Then I had to break a roll of coins against the cash register drawer to
make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my
hands and knees to pick up the coins and the phone was still ringing. When
I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger
back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them
hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let
up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to
Know how to use a rectal thermometer.
"And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."
----------
MY TRAVEL PLANS FOR 2022
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Kahoots. Apparently,
you can't go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognises you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there.
I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump and I'm not too much
on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favourite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenaline flowing
and pumps up the old heart! At my age, I need all the stimuli I can get!
I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age
thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.
--------
Trump is walking out of the White House and heading towards his limo,
when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A Secret Service Agent, new on the job, shouts, “Mickey Mouse!”
This startles the ‘would-be assassin and he is captured.
Later, the Secret Service Agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks,
“What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”
Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout, Donald, duck!”
Dogs
----
I always scoffed when my sister insisted that our three dogs are computer
Literate. Then one day when I was signing-on, I noticed that when the
"welcome" voice came on, the dogs immediately settled down. Later, when
They heard the "good-bye" sign-off, all three dogs rushed to the door
Expecting to be walked.
Computers
---------
Computers will never take the place of books. You can't stand on a floppy
Disk to reach a high shelf.
--------------
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on
the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars
in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to
belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going
to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears
In bars in Billings."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman.
He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears
in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."
The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate.
---------
Its the simplest solutions that work the best …...
"If we could convince the Chinese that
jihadists' testicles are an aphrodisiac,
in 10 years they could be extinct. "
---------
I NO COME WORK TODAY
Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today,
I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come
work.'
The boss John says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need
you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to
give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel
great. I be at work soon.........You got nice house.'
--
Best Wishes
Dave
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