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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 29.03.22 08:04l 257 Lines 8000 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 28668_GB7YEW
Read: DJ6UX GUEST
Subj: Jokes 29/3
Path: DB0FHN<DB0RBS<DB0RES<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<N9PMO<GB7YEW
Sent: 220329/0543Z 28668@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Behind the clouds the sun is shining
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Some great questions brought to you by Peter Kay:
If quizzes are quizzical what are tests?
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Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,
because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever,
but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
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Itâ€Ös about Geronimo, the Apache chief, who having heard there was good
hunting in Africa took himself and his four wives off on safari to that continent.
On the first day his hosts took him out hunting wild horses that were striped.
Being a good shot with arrows he soon brought one down and killed it. That
evening his hosts presented him with the skin of the animal as a trophy to
take home. “What is this horse called?” he asked. “Zebra” he was told. The
next day they took him out chasing what looked like buffalo: again he killed
one. That evening he was present with its skin. “What is this animal called?”
he asked: “Gnu” he was told. On the third day they took him to the lake where
there were large thick skin animals swimming. Again, he managed to kill one.
That evening he was presented with its skin and asked what it was called.
“Hippopotamus” he was told. “Ah! Pythagoras” he said. His hosts asked
him to explain. So he laid down the Zebra skin and stood one of his wives
on it; then he laid down the Gnu skin and stood another wife on it; then he
laid down the Hippopotamus and put his two other wives on it. “See” he
said “The squaws on the Hippopotamus equal the sum of the squaws on
the other two hides.”
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Ponder on these imponderables for a minute:-
1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times does
he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles why aren't people from Holland
called Holes?
3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
4. If a pig loses its voice is it disgruntled?
5. If love is blind why is lingerie so popular?
6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
7. When cheese gets its picture taken what does it say?
8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person
who drives a racing car not called a racist?
9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted musicians denoted cowboys deranged
models deposed tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons
and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are
we supposed to do write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures
on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver
the mail ?
17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. (my favourite)
18. No one ever says' It's only a game' when their team is winning.
19. Ever wonder about those people who spend ÂŁ1.50 apiece on those
little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
section in a swimming pool?
21. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea does that mean that
one enjoys it?
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The guys were all at a deer camp.
No one wanted to room with Bob because he snored so badly. They
decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole
time so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and came to breakfast the next morning
with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said"Man what
happened to you?"
He said"Bob snored so loudly I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning same thing --
hair all standing up eyes all bloodshot. They said"Man what happened to you?
You look awful!"
He said 'Man that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I couldn't sleep.
I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned older cowboy a
man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said"Man what happened?"
He said"Well we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed
patted him on the butt and kissed him good night.
Bob sat up and watched me all night."
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Jacob age 92 and Rebecca age 89 are all excited about their decision to
get married. They go for a stroll to discuss their wedding and on their way
they pass a drugstore.
Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter. "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems arthritis jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins sleeping pills Geritol antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob says to the pharmacist"We'd like to register here for wedding gifts please
-------------
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.
Taking off down the road he floored it to 80 mph enjoying the wind blowing
through what little hair he had left. 'Amazing' he thought as he flew down I-95
pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror he saw a state
trooper behind him lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph
then 110 then 120. Suddenly he thought "What am I doing? I'm too old for
this" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him the
trooper walked up to the Corvette looked at his watch and said "Sir my shift
ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding
that I've never
heard before I'll let you go." The old gentleman paused. Then said "Years
ago my wife ran off with a State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her
back." "'Have a good day sir"' replied the trooper.
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Sexual content
A true Scotsman
A Scotsman in London is walking down the street sees a woman with
absolutely perfect breasts.
He approaches her and says"Miss would ye let me bite ye breasts for ÂŁ100?"
"Are you nuts?!!!" she replies and keeps walking.
He turns around runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.
"Would ye let me bite ye breasts for ÂŁ1000 ?" he asks.
"Listen push off or i'll call the police. Got it?"
So the Scotsman runs around the next block and faces her again.
"Would ye let me bite ye breasts just once for ÂŁ10000 ?"
She thinks about it for a moment and says" Hmmm ÂŁ10000O. just once but
not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most
perfect breasts in the world.
As soon as he sees them he grabs them and starts caressing them fondling them
slowly kissing them licking them burying his face in them but not biting them...
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"
"Nah"says the Scotsman.... "Costs too much..."
---
Best Wishes
Dave
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