| |
GM3YEW > HUMOUR 22.03.22 09:34l 264 Lines 8139 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 28416_GB7YEW
Read: DJ6UX GUEST
Subj: Jokes 22/3
Path: DB0FHN<DB0BLO<DB0ERF<DB0RES<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<W0ARP<K5DAT<VE3CGR<
GB7YEW
Sent: 220322/0714Z 28416@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
A year of snow, a year of plenty
-----
HOME SECURITY FOR SENIORS
Now that I'm old, slow and on a fixed income, I've disconnected my home
alarm system.
I also decided to turn off my external lights and have resigned from
Neighbourhood Watch.
To save money I've raised 2 Pakistani flags in my front garden, one at
each corner and have the black flag of ISIS in the centre.
It's so good now, my neighbours, the Local Police, the National Police
and the Armed Forces are all keeping watch on my house 24/7.
In addition, I am followed & watched everywhere I go. I've never felt
safer, and I'm saving £149.50 a month!
----
Thoughts
Bill Gates's son was caused by a 'GENERAL PROTECTION ERROR'.
- Anon
–
Norman and his blonde wife live in Calgary. One winter morning while
Listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have
8 to 10 centimetres of snow today. You must park your car on the even
Numbered side of the street, so the snow plough can get through." Norman's wife goes
Out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We
Are expecting 10 to 12 centimetres of snow today. You must park your car on
The odd numbered side of the street, so the snow plough can get through."
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer
Says "We are expecting 12 to 14 centimetres of snow today. You must
Park........... "then the electric power goes out. Norman's wife is very
Upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know
What to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plough
Can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married
To Blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage
This time?"
Tickets
-------
Sarah was reading a newspaper while her husband was engrossed in a game on
TV. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this, there's a classified
Ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket."
"Hmmm," her husband said, not bothering to look away from the game.
Sarah said teasingly, "Would you swap me for season ticket?"
"Absolutely not," he said, "season's more than half over."
Storm
-----
A salesman attending a meeting on the coast was held up when a severe storm
And a flood washed out the local airport. He wired his office: "Delayed by
Storm. Send instructions."
His boss wired back: "We'll answer your calls. Begin vacation immediately."
Safety
------
Safety is a major concern at the manufacturing company where I work. So I'm
Constantly preaching caution to the workers I supervise. "Does anyone
Know," I asked a few guys, "what the speed limit is in our parking lot?"
The long silence that followed was interrupted when one of them piped up.
"That depends. Do you mean coming in to work or leaving?"
Pedestrian
----------
PEDESTRIAN, n: Someone who thought there were a couple of litres left in
The tank.
Hearing
-------
A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as
Good as it used to be, what should I do?"
The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is
In the kitchen doing dishes, stand five metres behind her and ask her a
Question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question
Until she hears you."
The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands five metres
Behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?"
He gets no response, so he moves to three metres behind her and asks again.
Still no response, so he moves to two metres. No answer.
Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for supper?"
She replies, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN, you deaf old coot!"
Dishwasher Repair
-----------------
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to
Go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under
The mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail
You a cheque."
"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you.
But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
"I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he
Discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just
As she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the
Repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant
Yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain
Himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
Strange Human Facts
-------------------
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
It takes about 20 seconds for a red blood cell to circle the whole body.
The average human will eat an average of 8 spiders while sleeping.
The average women consumes 6lbs of lipstick in her lifetime.
On average, a 4-year-old child asks 437 questions a day.
Only 78f the population are lefties.
The average person's left hand does 568f the typing.
A human brain weighs about 3lbs.
1/4 of the bones in your body are in your feet.
You blink over 10,000,000 times a year.
When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop ... Even your heart.
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza a day.
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced
to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to
squirt blood 30 feet.
Koala and humans are the only animals with unique fingerprints.
The scent of apples and/or bananas can help you lose weight.
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
Children grow faster in the spring.
On average a human will spend up to 2 weeks kissing in his or her lifetime.
A one-minute kiss burns 26 calories.
Spelling
--------
The holiday break was over and the teacher was asking the class about their
vacations. She turned to little Pauly and asked what he did over the break.
"We visited my grandmother in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania," he replied.
"That sounds like an excellent vocabulary word," the teacher said. "Can you
tell the class how you spell that?"
Little Pauly thought about it and said, "You know, come to think of it, we
went to Ohio."
It's Going To Be A Banner Year
------------------------------
Iranian president Mahmud Ahmadinejad calls President Obama and tells him,
"Mr President, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole
beautiful country, and on each house I saw a banner."
"What did it say on the banners?" Obama asks.
Mahmud replies, "UNITED STATES OF IRAN."
Obama says, "You know, Mahmud, I am really happy you called, because believe
it or not, last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran,
and it was more beautiful than ever, and on each house flew an enormous
banner."
"What did it say on the banners?" Mahmud asks.
Obama replies, "I don't know. I can't read Hebrew."
Signs That An Athlete Is Using A Banned Substance:
--------------------------------------------------
Gets "psyched" before each competition by banging his head against a
locker, although he's on the chess team.
Her javelin was shot down by jet fighters.
Killed two spectators and a line judge with his forehand lob at this year's
French Open.
His red and yellow jersey reads, "Track Cartel de Colombia."
Remainder of high-jump event postponed until he lands.
Somehow manages to win the 100-meter butterfly without getting wet.
Instead of exploding out of the blocks, he just explodes.
According to the urine test, he's six-week's pregnant.
Breaks his pelvis but insists he can just "walk it off."
Forget Nike and Reebok-he's got endorsement deals with Merck and Glaxo.
---
Best Wishes
Dave
Read previous mail | Read next mail
| |
