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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 20.03.22 09:34l 237 Lines 5811 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 28342_GB7YEW
Read: DJ6UX GUEST
Subj: Jokes 20/3
Path: DB0FHN<DB0BLO<DB0ERF<DB0RBS<DB0RES<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<W0ARP<KF5JRV<
VE3CGR<GB7YEW
Sent: 220320/0722Z 28342@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
It's Brass Monkey weather out there!
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Eight people were sitting at a well laid sumptuous meal table and had
just finished a course which included absolutely delicious sausages. There
was one solitary sausage left on the serving platter. The host encouraged
the diners to finish off the last sausagebut all the guests were too
polite to accept the sausageeven though they all would have loved to have
the last sausage. They were still busy declining politely when the lights
went out. In the darkness there was a terrible screamand when the lights
came back on a terrible scene met the diners' eyes...the sausage on the
platter had a hand over it and the hand had 7 forks embedded in it!
----
Quotes-
I'm not afraid of dying 'one day', I'm afraid of dying today.
- Alexander Solzenicyn.
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Thought for the day
You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances.
Dogs
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A man goes into a pet store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any dogs that
Go cheap?"
The salesman says, "No, we have birds that go cheep. Our dogs go BARK!"
Funeral
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Minister at a funeral service, "Friends, let us say goodbye to our beloved,
Departed friend. Let us remember that here lies only the shell--the nut has
Gone!"
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Investment
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STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you
Buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.
BOND: What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to
Invest in Amazon.com.
BROKER: The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions.
Please note the first five letters of this word spell "Broke".
BEAR: What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on
That hot stock tip your secretary gave you.
BULL: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during
The last quarter.
MARGIN: Where you scribble the latest quotes when you're supposed to be
Listening to your manager's presentation.
SHORT POSITION: A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he
Doesn't actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short
Position is what a person usually ends up being in (I.e. "The rent, sir?"
"Hahaha, well, I'm a little short this month.").
COMMISSION: The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which
Is why your broker charges you one.
YAK: What you do into a pail when you discover your stocks have plunged and
Your broker is making a margin call.
------
Dear Sirs,
I have a very complicated Benefits Question:
Many years ago, I married a widow out of love who had an 18-year-old daughter.
After the wedding, my father, a widower, came to visit a number of times, and
he fell in love with my step-daughter.
My father eventually married her without my authorization.
As a result, my step-daughter legally became my step-mother and my father
my son-in-law.
My father's wife (also my step-daughter) and my step-mother, gave birth to a
son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my step-daughter's
mother. This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father.
As you can see, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother
of my father's wife.
Therefore, it appears that I am also my wife's grandchild.
A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my
father's brother-in-law, the step-son of my father's wife, and my uncle.
My son is also my step-mother's brother, and through mystep-mother, my wife
has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather.
In light of the above mentioned, I would like to know the following:
Does my son, who is also my uncle, my father's son-in-law, and my step-mother's
brother, fulfil the requirements for receiving childcare benefits?
Sincerely yours,
Mohammed
THE ANSWER:
Of course you qualify Mohammed! I have arranged to start mailing cheques to
all of you just as soon as you arrive here in UK.
Welcome!
Jeremy Corbyn
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Fighter
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At the Boeing Museum of Flight in Seattle, there is a full-size mockup of
An F/A-18 fighter. A ramp allows visitors to climb into the cockpit and get
A sense of what the pilot sees and feels.
A guide at the top of the ramp points out the various controls and gauges
In the cockpit and gives information about the aircraft's capabilities to
Each visitor who gets in.
When my two-year-old son sat down in the plane, he seemed fascinated by all
He saw and heard. Then he looked out at us and said, "Grandma, could I have
A quarter?"
Motorcycle
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A biker is riding a new motorcycle on the highway. While passing a car, he
Knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window, "Yes?"
"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"No I haven't"
The biker drives on, until he sees the next car. While passing it, he
Knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window: "Yes?"
"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"No I haven't"
Then suddenly there is a curve, the biker sees it too late. He crashes off
The road into a ditch. A car stops and a man runs to the unlucky biker.
Covered in blood, the biker asks, "Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"Yes I have. I had a Honda for 20 years."
The biker says, "Tell me, where are the brakes?"
Sexual
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Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams and Elton John were walking over a bridge.
Kylie trips and gets her head jammed between the railings.
With a sideways glance, Robbie pulls aside her G-String, and bonks her senseless!
He stands back and tells Elton, "Your turn!"
Elton bursts into tears.
"What's up?" asks Robbie.
Elton sobs, "My head won't fit through the railings!!"
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Best Wishes
Dave
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