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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 18.03.22 09:34l 345 Lines 10187 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 28259_GB7YEW
Read: DJ6UX GUEST
Subj: Jokes 18/3
Path: DB0FHN<DB0BLO<DB0ERF<OK0NAG<OK0PBR<OK2PEN<CX2SA<PI8ZTM<VE3CGR<GB7YEW
Sent: 220318/0700Z 28259@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
The head and feet keep warm, the rest will take no harm
--------
Thanks Colin.
The first thing a man looks at in a woman is her heart. The fact that
her boobs are in front of her heart is nobody's fault.
-----
Thoughts -
Error 99: - The CPU is tired.
---
Thought for the day
You can always tell luck from ability by its duration.
---
As Children See It
------------------
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you
Like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep
The chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to
Marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who
You're stuck with.
-- Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER
By then.
-- Camille, age 10
(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get
Married.
-- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling
At the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
(1) Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to
Know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that
Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
Newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
(1) When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess
With that.
-- Curt, age 7
(3) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should
Marry Them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
(1) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
Someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T
GET MARRIED?
(1) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 favourite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
(1) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a
Truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
----------
A Mother decided it was time that her three sons get baptized. So, after
Weeks of suitable instruction she felt that it was time. One bright Sunday
Morning they were on their way to church where the three boys, 8, 9, and
11, were have their sins washed away.
The mother noticed that here 9 year old seemed to be particularly lost in
Thought so she asked him what was on his mind.
"Mom, I want to go first." he replied.
"Why do you want to first?" she asked her son with a smile.
"Because," he began with a pause in his voice, "I really don't want to be
Baptised in water that has all of my brother's sins floating around in it."
Ride To Church
--------------
A teenager who had just received her learner's permit offered to drive her
Parents to church. After a hair-raising ride, they finally reached their
Destination.
The mother got out of the car and said, "Thank you!"
"Anytime," her daughter replied.
As the woman slammed the door, she said, "I wasn't talking to you. I was
Talking to God."
English
-------
At a posh Manhattan dinner party, a Latin American visitor was telling the
Guests about this home country and himself. As he concluded, he said, "And
I have a charming and understanding wife but, alas, no children."
As his listeners appeared to be waiting for him to continue, he said,
Haltingly, "You see, my wife is unbearable."
Puzzled glances prompted him to try to clarify the matter: "What I mean is,
My wife is inconceivable."
As his companions seemed amused, he floundered deeper into the intricacies
Of the English language, explaining triumphantly, "That is, my wife, she is
Impregnable!"
------------
The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good
idea to replace the first four rows of pews with plush bucket theatre
seats.
It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."
The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me
a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to the
church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel
choir. We are packed to the balcony!!"
"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you
are open to the new ideas of youth."
"However," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with
the drive-thru confessional."
"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the
donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"
"I know, son, but that flashing neon sign, "Toot 'n Tell or Go To Hell",
just can't stay on the church roof!"
-----------
A married couple in their early 60's were out celebrating their 35th
wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said,
"For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful
to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."
"Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband!"
said the wife. The fairy moved her magic stick and - abracadabra!
- two tickets for the new luxury liner appeared in her hands.
Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said:
"Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs
once in a lifetime, so, I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife
30 years younger than me".
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and - abracadabra! -
the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story...Men might be ungrateful idiots but fairies are
female.
The next ones have a sexual content ....
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a long surgical procedure.
A Young student nurse appears, to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse" he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed the young nurse replies "I don't know sir; I'm only here to
wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles and asks again "Nurse are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,
she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers and
she raises his gown, holding his appendage in one hand and his testicles
in the other, carefully lifting and checking whilst gently moving them around.
Then after a while having taken a close look, says "there's nothing wrong with
them, sir"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much, I appreciate that very much that was wonderful,
but, listen very, very carefully....
"Are - my - test - results - back?"
------------
A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin.
Truth be told, he is none too experienced either.
On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her
husband undresses.
He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring, "My darring" he says,
"I know dis you fus time and you berry frighten.
I Plomise you, I give you anyting you wan, I do anyting jus anyting you wan,
you say.
Whatchou wan?" he says, trying to impress his virgin bride.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently and eagerly for her
request.
She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I wan ..... numba 69".
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone
he queries,
"You wan... Beef wif Broccori?
----
Best Wishes
Dave
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