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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 13.03.22 09:19l 245 Lines 6784 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 27599_GB7YEW
Read: DJ6UX GUEST
Subj: Jokes 13/3
Path: DB0FHN<DB0RBS<DB0RES<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<PI8ZTM<VE3CGR<GB7YEW
Sent: 220313/0701Z 27599@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
When the forest murmurs and the mountain roars, then close
your windows and shut your doors
-----------------------
Back in Kentucky you didn't see too many people hang-gliding. Bubba
decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest
mountain and after struggling to the top he gets ready to take flight. He
takes off running and reaches the edge--and into the wind he goes!
Meanwhile Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing talkin' about
the good ol' days when Maw spots the biggest bird she had ever seen! "Look
at the size of that bird Paw!" she exclaims. Paw straightens up and says"Git my gun Maw."
She runs into the house and brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful
aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.....BANG! The monster-size bird continues to sail
silently over the tree tops.
"I think ya missed him Paw" she says.
"Yeah" he replies"but at least he let go of Bubba!"
---
Thoughts
It's reported that only half of young people are attracted to the
opposite sex. Well, a young buffalo asks his father what it means if he
likes both cows and bulls? Reply, "It means you're bi, son!"
---
A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stonewall,
holding hands, gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently.
Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for
your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the
cheek.
Then he blushed.
The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. Minutes
passed and the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo aboot time for a wee
cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few
seconds.
Then he blushed.
And the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts,
Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put
my hand on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee.
Then he blushed.
Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before
the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow.
"Well, noo," he said, "My thoughts are a wee bit more serious
this time".
Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in
anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first
three pennies?"
------------
Magic
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each
week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There
was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week
and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look,
It's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or
"Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the
Captain's ' parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank,
drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself
on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it
... with the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word This went on
for a day... and then 2 days ... and then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the
parrot could not hold back any longer and said...
"OK, I give up. Where's the ship?"
-------------
Interesting Human Body Facts That You Cannot Live Without
- The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is
the male sperm.
- A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball
- It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your
stomach.
- One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
- Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
- The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.
- The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
- A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
- If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long
when he died.
- Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver
than men with hair.
- There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
- Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about
one square inch.
- Women blink twice as often as men.
- The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
- When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate. .
. ..they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate!
- It takes twice as long to lose new muscle if you stop working out
than it did to gain it.
- Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you
aren't.
- Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing
still.
- If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
- The average woman is five inches shorter than the average man.
... checked the length of your thumb didn't you ?
------------
5 surgeons standing in a bar!
The first, a Manchester surgeon, says: 'I like to see accountants on my
operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is
numbered.'
The second, a Liverpool surgeon, responds:'Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded.'
The third, a Newcastle surgeon, says: 'No, I really think librarians are the
best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'
The fourth, a Birmingham surgeon, chimes in:'You know, I like construction
workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.
But the fifth, a London surgeon, shuts them all up when he observed: You're
all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart,
no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the arse are interchangeable.
---------
Sexual content
A blonde chick gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds.
She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other
kids are running around having fun, kicking a football.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him. 'You ok?' she asks.
'Yes,' he replies.
'You can go and play with the other kids, you know,' she says.
'It's best I stay here,' he says.
'Why's that, sweetie?' asks the blonde.
The boy looks at her incredulously and says: "Because I'm the ****** goal keeper !!!"
--
Best Wishes
Dave
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