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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 11.03.22 10:40l 287 Lines 7419 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 27526_GB7YEW
Read: DJ6UX GUEST
Subj: Jokes 11/3
Path: DB0FHN<OE2XZR<OE6XPE<UA6ADV<LU4ECL<LU9DCE<GB7YEW
Sent: 220311/0828Z @:GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO #:27526 LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Redbirds or Bluebirds chatter when it's going to rain
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Proverbs
Whoever fights, can lose; who does not fight, already lost. - Anonymous.
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Thoughts
Man to wife, "I hope Long Covid will cure my insomnia."
--
UK Virus ALERT
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to the recent virus threat
and have therefore raised their threat level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.”
Soon, though, the level may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A
Bit Cross.”
The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea
supplies nearly ran out.
The virus has been re-categorised from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody
Nuisance.”The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning
level was in
1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let's Get
the Bastard.” They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they
have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
*Australia, meanwhile, has raised its alert level from “No worries” to
“She'll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I
think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is
cancelled.” So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final
escalation level.*
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Stuck
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While visiting my mother in the hospital I stopped in the cafeteria for
Breakfast. I set a piece of bread on the moving toaster rack and waited for
It to pass under the heated coils and return golden brown.
Instead it got stuck at the back of the toaster and I couldn't reach it.
The woman next to me in line quickly seized a pair of tongs reached in And
fished out the piece of toast.
I joked "You must be an emergency room worker."
"No" she replied with a grin. "I'm an obstetrician."
Football
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After having had to repeat herself several times as her husband was
Engrossed on the football game on TV the exasperated wife finally got his
Attention and said"Honey sometimes I think you love football more than
Me!"
Glancing at her then quickly looking back to the game the husband
Replied"Well that may be true dear but I love you more than hockey
Basketball or tennis!"
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A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at
A branch of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one
Big enough for her family.She asked a passing assistant 'Do these turkeys
get any bigger?'The assistant Replied 'I'm afraid no they're dead.'
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The policeman got out of his car and approached
The boy racer he stopped for speeding.'I've been
Waiting for you all day' the bobby said.The kid
Replied 'Yes well I got here as fast as I Could
.When the policeman finally stopped laughing he
Sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
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A lorry driver was driving along on a country
Road.A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge
Ahead.'Before he realised it the bridge was directly
Ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars are backed up for
Miles.Finally a police car comes up.The policeman got out
Of his car and walked to the lorry's cab And said to the
Driver 'Got stuck he said ?' The lorry driver said 'no I was delivering
this bridge and ran out of Petrol!'
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WHAT DO DEER THINK
Ted Nugent rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan was being
Interviewed by a French journalist an animal rights activist. The
Discussion came around to deer hunting.
The journalist asked 'What do you think is the last thought in the head
Of a deer before you shoot him? Is it 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are
You the one who killed my brother?'
Nugent replied 'Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they
Care about is what am I going to eat next who am I going to
Screw next and can I run fast enough to get away.
They are very much like the French.'
The interview ended.
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MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines
enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures
outlined below when Accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been
developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
What is really funny is that most Of this part is the Truth.!!!!
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the
machine.
3. Set hand brake put the window down.
4. Find handbag remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
distance from the Car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside
back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of
chequebook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty handbag locate card holder and place card into the slot
provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release hand brake.
SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE
LADIES YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!
----------------
Mucky
Hypnotist at the Elder Centre
It was entertainment night at the senior centre and the Amazing Claude
Was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed
Hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting
Room he announced"Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three
People up here to be put into a trance I intend to hypnotise each and
Every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
Antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye
On this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my
Family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
Chanting"Watch the watch watch the watch watch the watch..."The
Crowd was mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth light
Gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until suddenly it
Slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor breaking
Into a hundred pieces..........
"S**T" said the hypnotist...
It took three days to clean up the senior centre.
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Best Wishes
Dave
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