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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 06.03.22 09:33l 188 Lines 5838 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 27344_GB7YEW
Read: DJ6UX GUEST
Subj: Jokes 6/3
Path: DB0FHN<DB0RBS<DB0RES<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<N9PMO<GB7YEW
Sent: 220306/0703Z 27344@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
No matter how long the winter, spring is sure to follow
------
The computer in my high school classroom recently started acting up. After
Watching me struggle with it one of my students came up and took over.
"Your hard drive crashed" he said.
I called the computer services office and explained "My computer is down.
The hard drive crashed."
"We can't just send people down on your say-so. How do you know that's the
Problem?"
"A student told me" I answered.
"We'll send someone over right away."
---
1) Two goldfish in a bowl. One says to the other, "Have we met? I've a
memory like a Sturgeon."
2) A couple watching TV headline, Meghan & Harry Interview. Man says to
woman, "It's the royal soap Oprah."
---
Animals Know
------------
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.
Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever.
Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.
Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look
Like the dog did it.
Although cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good
Many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.
Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake
Up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are
Wonderful
I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.
The Top 10 Reasons Dogs Howl at the Moon
----------------------------------------
10: Well, those neighbours aren't just going to wake themselves up at 2 am,
Now are they?
9: Because they don't know the words.
8: Executive cats outsourced howling to lower-paid dog labour.
7: Lack of thumbs prevents them from texting.
6: They take to heart the message of the 1928 Delta dirge "Howlin' at the
Sun Blues" by Blind Hound Rover.
5: Face it, nobody likes to be mooned.
4: It's Dogese for "Beam me up, Scotty, there's no intelligent life on this
Planet!"
3: Impossible to ignore the gauntlet flung down by Singing Cats' Local #3.
2: Playing blues guitar takes way too much dexterity.
And the Number 1 Reason Dogs Howl at the Moon...
1: Because they're neutered. The moon is just there by coincidence.
The Perils Of Bread
-------------------
More than 988f convicted felons are bread users.
Fully HALF of all children in bread-consuming households score lower than
Average on standardised tests.
Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to harder substances
Such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since your body is more than 85ªWater, eating bread is scientifically hazardous to your well-being.
Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit. That kind
Of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute!
In light of these chilling statistics, we propose the following:
A "Just Say No to Toast" campaign, with celebrity endorsements and heavy
Advertising which will include the campaign: "This is your stomach. This is
Your stomach on bread. Any questions?"
No sale of bread to minors.
The establishment of "bread-free" zones in local communities, especially
Around our schools.
Feminist
--------
A radical feminist was getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man
Got up from his seat.
She thought to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs
Of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenceless woman his seat,"
And she pushed him back onto the seat.
A few minutes later, the man tried to get up again.
She was insulted again and refused to let him up.
Finally, the man said, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm five
Kilometres past my stop already!"
--------
Why I fired my Secretary.
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning..
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word..
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss,
And by the way Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door
And said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside,
And it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch,
Just you and me.' I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day. Let's go !'
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?'
I responded, 'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment. I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes,
she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends
and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there....
On the couch...
Naked.
---
Best Wishes
Dave
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