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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 28.02.22 09:04l 285 Lines 7266 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 27077_GB7YEW
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Subj: Jokes 28/2
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Sent: 220228/0643Z 27077@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
A misty winter brings a pleasant spring, a pleasant winter a misty spring
----
A photographer was hired to take pictures at a lawyers' convention.
When he lined up his subjects he got them to look their best by shouting"Okay
everyone say fees!"
----
Some great questions brought to you by Peter Kay:
17) If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables then what is baby oil made from?
-----
Puns for those with a higher IQ
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed
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Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old. This is something we should all
read at least once a week!!!!!
My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once
more:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Change the way you
think.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and
family will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7.. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. Release your children when they become adults, its their life now.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their
journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye
16. Take a deep breath It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one
is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no
for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie.
Don't save it for a special occasion.. Today is special..
22 Just because you believe you are right, doesn't mean you are. Keep
an open mind.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years,
will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. Your job is to love your children, not choose who they should
love.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's,
we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come...
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield...
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."
--------
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby
sister... After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for
cold milk?
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was.. Granny replied she
was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember
you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so
much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'
BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer.. She tried
in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom
explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with
wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please
don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough..'
DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I
cost?'
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried when his Mom asked
what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed
when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and
kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why
is he whispering in her mouth?'
TAMMY(age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather
wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why
doesn't your skin fit your face?'
JAMES (age 4)was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot
was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife
looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What
happened to the flea?'
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget...
This particular Sunday sermon.....'Dear Lord,' the minister began,
with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face.
'Without you, we are but dust........' He would have continued but at that moment
my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite
audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'
------------
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'
The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that
my mother had passed away.'
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the
day? Take the day off to relax & rest.'
'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it &
I have the best chance of doing that here.'
The boss agrees & allows the blonde to work as usual.
A couple of hours pass & the boss decides to check on the blonde.
He looks out from his office & sees the blonde crying hysterically.
'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.
'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my
sister. Her mother died, too!'
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Sexual:-
ARE YOU INSURED FOR SEX?
Make sure you get the Correct Insurance for the sex you are having.
Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes:
Sex with your wife - Legal & General.
Sex on the telephone - Direct Line.
Sex with your Partner - Standard Life.
Sex with someone Different - Go Compare.
Sex with a Fat bird - More Than.
Sex On the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels.
Sex with a posh bird - Privileged.
Sex with an OAP - Saga !
Sex with a transvestite - confused dot com!
---
Best Wishes
Dave
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