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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 26.02.22 09:47l 276 Lines 8731 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 26995_GB7YEW
Read: DJ6UX GUEST
Subj: Jokes 26/2
Path: DB0FHN<DB0RBS<DB0ERF<DB0RES<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<PI8ZTM<VE3CGR<F4BWT<
GB7YEW
Sent: 220226/0729Z 26995@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
A cow with its tail to the west, makes weather the best
------
Here's to all my over 50 lady friends .... a toast to you! And to you guys who are in their lives ... be thankful!
WOMEN OVER 50
In case you missed it on 60 Minutes, this is what the late
Andy Rooney thought about women over 50.
60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney (CBS)
As I grow in age, I value women over 50 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over 50 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.
If a woman over 50 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She goes and does something, she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.
Women over 50 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 50 – she already knows them.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 50 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk or if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over 50 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 50, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress.
Ladies, I apologize.
For all those men who say, ‘Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?â€Ö - Hereâ€Ös an update for you. Nowadays, 808f women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
---
Churchillian Quotes
12. Islam is more dangerous in a man than rabies in a dog.
---
Some great questions brought to you by Peter Kay:
14) What do you call male ballerinas?
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The world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!!
----
Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western
Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small disregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at
a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly insignificant
little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly
primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea ...
-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
----
The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.
They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're
Going to drill for their own oil.
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Sports
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"I wanted to have a career in sports when I was young, but I had to give up
The idea. I'm only six feet tall, so I couldn't play basketball. I'm only
190 pounds, so I couldn't play football, and I have 20/20 vision, so I
Couldn't be a referee." -- Jay Leno
---------
Donald Trump is visiting an Edinburgh hospital.
He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness.
He greets one and the patient replies:
"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o' the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye tak' yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
Weel are ye worthy o' a Grace, as langs my airm."
Donald is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.
The next patient responds:
"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Good Lord be thankit."
Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the President
Moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:
"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty,
O whit a panic's in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."
Now seriously troubled, Donald turns to the accompanying doctor
And asks, 'Is this a psychiatric ward?'
'No,' replies the doctor, 'this is the serious Burns unit'.
Superman
--------
At his request, each morning three-year-old Pauly's mother pinned a bath
Towel to the back shoulders of his size two T-shirt. Immediately in his
Young imaginative mind the towel became a brilliant magic blue and red
Cape. Outfitted each day in his "cape," Pauly's days were packed with
Adventure and daring escapades. He was Superman!
This fact was clearly pointed out last fall when his mother enrolled him in
Kindergarten class. During the course of the interview, the teacher asked
Pauly his name.
"Superman," he answered politely and without pause.
The teacher smiled, cast an appreciative glance at his mother, and asked
Again, "Your real name, please."
Again, Pauly answered, "Superman."
Realising the situation demanded more authority, or maybe to hide
Amusement, the teacher closed her eyes for a moment, then in a voice quite
Stern, said, "I will have to have your real name for the records."
Sensing he'd have to play straight with the teacher, Pauly slid his eyes
Around the room, hunched closer to her, patting a corner of frayed towel at
His shoulder, then answered in a voice hushed with conspiracy, "Clark
Kent."
---------
1st woman: Hi! My name is Sandra.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get
warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was
cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him
all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I
started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched,
and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked
under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I
became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
-----------
Sexual content -
The Irish Millionaire
Mick, from Dublin, appeared on ' Who Wants To Be A Millionaire ' and towards
The end of the program had already won £500,000.
'You've done very well so far,' said, Chris Tarrant , the show's presenter,
'but for a million pounds you've only got one life-line left - phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question...... Will you go for it?'
'Sure,'said Mick. 'I'll have a go!'
Which of the following birds does not build its own nest?
A) Sparrow, b) Thrush, c) Magpie, d)Cuckoo?'
'I haven't got a clue,' said Mick,'' so I'll use me last lifeline and phone me
Friend Paddy back home in Dublin .'
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated
The question to him.
Hell bells, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo.'
'Are you sure?'
'I'm sure.'
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, 'I'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.'
'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris 'Dat it is, Sir.'
There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed,
'Cuckoo is the correct answer!
Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!'
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.'
Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was DA Cuckoo that
doesn't build its own nest?'
'Because he lives in a F*kin clock!'
------------------
A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or
any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong
with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known
Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your
crose."
The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass
to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."
As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You
haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or
dates."
The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face
look Ed Zachary like your arse."
--
Best Wishes
Dave
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