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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 17.02.22 09:04l 342 Lines 9112 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 26590_GB7YEW
Read: DJ6UX GUEST
Subj: Jokes 17/2
Path: DB0FHN<DB0RBS<DB0RES<ON0AR<VK6HGR<VK7AX<VK2IO<W0ARP<AL0Y<GB7YEW
Sent: 220217/0641Z 26590@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Melt the icy fingers of fear with the sunshine of hope
------
Two elderly men together. One asks the other, "Which would you abstain
from - women or wine?"
The reply was, "Depends on the year."
---
Churchillian Quotes
3. Fear is a reaction; courage is a decision.
---
Some great questions brought to you by Peter Kay:
5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing
you do is stand up and say' My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?
------------
The Founding Fathers were sitting around a table sometime in 1776 working
on the constitution. It had been a long day when Thomas Jefferson said
"Whew!
It's getting rather warm in here isn't it?"
Ben Franklin replied "Shall I open the window?"
"no that's all right. I'll just take off my jacket and roll up my
sleeves."
"hey that's a good idea. Why don't we include that in the constitution?"
"What? That we're allowed to take our jackets off and roll up our sleeves
while at work?"
"yeah but that doesn't sound very smooth. How about 'Everyone shall have
the right to bare arms?'"
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Golfer: You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!
Caddy: I doubt it that would be too much of a coincidence
Golfer: I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course!
Caddy: Try heaven you've already moved most of the earth.
Golfer: Well Caddy How do you like my game?
Caddy: Very good sir! But personally I prefer golf.
Golfer: Well I have never played this badly before!
Caddy: I didn't realise you had played before sir.
Golfer: Caddy Do you think my game is improving?
Caddy: Oh yes sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to.
Golfer: caddy do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?
Caddy: The way you play sir it's a crime any day of the week!
Golfer: That can't be my ball caddy. It looks far too old.
Caddy: It's been a long time since we started sir.
Golfer: Caddie master that boy isn't even eight years old.
Caddie master: Better that way sir. He probably can't count past ten.
Driver's Test News
------------------
Yesterday my son came home and said "I have good news and bad news. The
Good news is I got 18 out of 20 on my driver's test."
I said "Great! Now what's the bad news?"
He said "They were pedestrians."
Bizarre Pennsylvania Laws
-------------------------
It is illegal to have over 16 women live in a house together because that
Constitutes a brothel. However up to 120 men can live together without
Breaking the law.
A special cleaning ordinance bans housewives from hiding dirt and dust
Under a rug in a dwelling.
You may not sing in the bathtub.
A person is not eligible to become Governor if he/she has participated in a
Duel.
Any motorist who sights a team of horses coming toward him must pull well
Off the road cover his car with a blanket or canvas that blends with the
countryside and let the horses pass. If the horses appear skittish the
Motorist must take his car apart piece by piece and hide it under the
Nearest bushes.
You may not catch a fish with your hands.
You may not catch a fish by any body part except the mouth.
Comb-over
---------
"The method preferred by most balding men for making themselves look silly
Is called the 'comb-over' which is when the man grows the hair on one side
Of his head very long and combs it across the bald area creating an effect
That looks...from the top...like an egg in the grasp of a large tropical
Spider." --Dave Barry
Ageing
------
"When I was a boy of fourteen my father was so ignorant I could hardly
stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one I was
astonished by how much he'd learned in seven years." ---Mark Twain
Puns
----
Did you hear about the pet store whose canaries were constantly flying and
never landed? They gave them away for free. After all we're all familiar
with "no perches necessary".
When the clock factory caught fire second hand smoke was everywhere.
It wasn't school that John disliked it was just the principal of the thing.
To some marriage is a word ... To others a sentence.
It was an emotional wedding even the cake was in tiers.
Is a cannibal's favourite game " Swallow the Leader?"
When they finish a new hive of bees have a house swarming party?
------------------
-Scientists say the higher your I.Q. The more you dream.
-You use 200 muscles to take one step.
-The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.
-Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three.
-A pair of human feet contains 250000 sweat glands.
-The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades.
-The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the
Encyclopedia Britannica.
-It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
-The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds.
-Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the
liver than men with hair.
-At the moment of conception you spent about half an hour as a single cell.
-There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
-Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of
water to a boil.
-The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body.
-Your teeth start growing 6 months before you are born.
-When you are looking at someone you love your pupils dilate and they do the
same when you are looking at someone you hate.
-Your thumb is the same length of your nose.
At this very moment I know well you are putting this last fact to the
test... !!!
-----------
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly he sees them and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet not realising that the little boy is
already in there.
The little boy says 'Dark in here.The man says 'Yes it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball.' Man: 'That's nice'
Boy: 'Want to buy it?' Man: 'No thanks.'
Boy: ' My Dad's outside.' Man: 'OK how much?'
Boy: '£250'
In the next few weeks it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the
closet together.
Boy: 'Dark in here.'Man: 'Yes it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover remembering the last time asks the boy How much?'
Boy: '£750' Man: 'Sold.'
A few days later the Dad says to the boy 'Grab your glove let's go outside and
have a game of catch.'
The boy says 'I can't I sold my baseball and my glove.'
The Dad asks'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy: '£1000'
The Dad says'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that
is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church to
confession.'
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the
confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says'Dark in here.'
The priest says 'Don't start that again you're in my closet now.
-------------
Sexual content
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a
Ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working" replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working too" Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly sorry about that" Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing
round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road" Explains the duck. "I'm
a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn
more but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and
proceeds to read it.
So the duck reads his paper drinks his beer eats his sandwich bids the barman
good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.Then one day the circus comes to
town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus aren't you? Well I know this duck that could be just
brilliant in your circus. He talks drinks beer eats sandwiches reads the
newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous" says the ringmaster handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says"Hey Mr.
Duck I reckon I can line you up with a top job paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job" Says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus" Says the barman.
"The circus?" Repeats the Duck.
"That's right" Replies the barman. "The circus?"
The duck asks again. With the big tent?"
"Yeah" the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages and performers who live in
caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course" the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the
middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the Barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement and says ..
"What the f**k would they want with a plasterer??!"
----
Best Wishes
Dave
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