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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 15.02.22 09:33l 250 Lines 6630 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 26507_GB7YEW
Read: DJ6UX GUEST
Subj: Jokes 15/2
Path: DB0FHN<DB0RBS<DB0RES<ON0AR<IW0QNL<VE2PKT<GB7YEW
Sent: 220215/0714Z 26507@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
If you want a place in the sun, you must leave the shade of the family tree
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Remember Einstein's comment: "There is a major difference between intelligence and stupidity;
intelligence has its limits."
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Proverbs
Never cause a problem for which there is no solution and
let the doctor finish the cure
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Some great questions brought to you by Peter Kay:
3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
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Weather Forecast
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Los Angeles -- A radio station weather forecaster who predicted rain for a
Rush Limbaugh event ran into a storm of opposition from station management
And was fired for not altering his forecast, according to the Los Angeles Times.
Forecaster Sean Boyd was quoted in yesterday's editions of the Times as
Saying he had been fired by his boss at KMJ, one of the top three markets
In the country for Limbaugh's syndicated morning show, after he refused to
Change his weather forecast of a chance of rain for an outdoor function
Honouring the conservative commentator.
Boyd's prediction was for April 15, the date of the second annual Dittohead
Barbecue and Politically Incorrect Picnic at the fairgrounds in Madeira,
Calif. The central California event was organised by KMJ, whose news and
Talk format is used to pound President Clinton and anyone else it considers
To be a liberal.
Boyd told the Times his boss asked him to "fudge" his forecast by
Predicting a greater possibility of sunshine rather than a chance of rain,
As the latter might keep people away from the event. Al Smith, KMJ's
General manager, said Boyd's firing was the result of a buildup of things.
On the day, Boyd had the last word, the heavens opened up and it poured,
The Times said.
Groaners
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Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumour.
When you dream in colour, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Customer Service
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If 99.9 percent customer service is good enough, then . . .
Two million documents will be lost by the IRS this year.
22,000 cheques will be deducted from the wrong bank accounts in the next
Hour.
1,314 phone calls will be misplaced by telecommunication services every
Minute.
12 babies will be given to the wrong parents every day.
268,500 defective tyres will be shipped this year.
103,260 income tax returns will be processed incorrectly this year.
2,488,200 books will be shipped in the next 12 months with the wrong cover.
5,517,200 cases of soft drinks produced in the next 12 months will be flat.
Two plane landings every day at O'Hare International will be unsafe.
18,322 pieces of mail will be mishandled in the next hour.
291 pacemaker operations will be done incorrectly this year.
950,000 credit cards in circulation will turn out to have incorrect
Cardholder information on the magnetic strip.
107 incorrect medical procedures will be performed by the end of the day
Today.
315 entries in Webster's Third New International Dictionary of the English
Language will turn out to be misspelled.
Now, there's something to strive for in your customer service division.
Driving Worries
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I decided to stop worrying about my teenage son's driving and take
Advantage of it.
I got one of those bumper stickers that says "How's my driving?" and put a
Phone number on it.
At 10p a call, I've been making £38 a week.
Flying
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A man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was
diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there
would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the
Aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had
Noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her
Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout
The entire flight.
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot
Approached her, and calling her by name, said, "Kathy, we are in Sacramento
for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" The blind
lady replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."
Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they
Looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The
Pilot was even wearing sunglasses.
People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were
Trying to change airlines!
True story.... Have a great day and remember...
THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.
Sexual content -
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THE correct insurance companies for sex ........
SEX with your wife - Legal & General
SEX with your future wife- Mutual Trust
SEX with your secretary - Employers Liability
SEX with a prostitute - Commercial Union
SEX on the telephone- Direct line
SEX with your biographer - Quote me happy
SEX in a hurry- Insure & Go
SEX with your boyfriend - Standard Life
SEX with a transvestite - confused.com
SEX with some one different - go compare.com
SEX with an animal - compare the meerkat.com
SEX with a fat bird - More Than
SEX on the back seat - Sheila's Wheels
SEX with an o.a.p - Saga
SEX with a posh bird - Privilege .com
SEX with a sheep - National Farmers Union
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The marriage
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very
nice resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed
up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations
in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!'
He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn
more about each other as we went along.'
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.
After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and
was hardly out of breath.
He said, 'That was incredible!
Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'
'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the river
Mersey.
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Best Wishes
Dave
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