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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 11.02.22 09:34l 271 Lines 8245 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 26358_GB7YEW
Read: DJ6UX GUEST
Subj: Jokes 11/2
Path: DB0FHN<DB0BLO<DB0ERF<DB0RES<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<PI8ZTM<VE3CGR<GB7YEW
Sent: 220211/0700Z 26358@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Clouds are low - the weather will worsen
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Did You Know -
-If an animal control officer is wearing his uniform it
Signifies he is an animal control officer- Alabama (lol)
----
"Lexophile" describes those that have a love for words.
Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end
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Puns for those with a higher IQ
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
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A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and
orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out
of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and
orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes
flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we
promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So
I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it
there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same
way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take
notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the
bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer
my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his
eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife
and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."
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One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What
Setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What
Does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma ."
And they say blondes are dumb...
A couple are lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
Happiest woman in the world." The woman replied, "I'll miss you..."
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out
Of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I
Mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money,"
She replied.
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th
Wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and
Said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have
One wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years
Younger...Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll
Beat him to death.
AMEN
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practising to be men.
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
Calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
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One morning a Scotsman is having breakfast in Paris, (coffee, croissants,
bread, butter and marmalade) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble- gum,
sits down next to him. The Scotsman ignores the Frenchman who,
nevertheless, starts a conversation ..
Frenchman: 'You Scots folk eat the whole bread?'
Scotsman (in a bad mood): 'Of course.'
Frenchman (after blowing a huge bubble): 'We don't. In France , we only eat
what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them
into croissants and sell them to Scotland .' The Frenchman has a smirk on
his face.
The Scotsman listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: 'Do you eat marmalade with your bread?'
Scotsman: 'Of course.'
Frenchman (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling):
'We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels,
seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into
marmalade, and sell the marmalade to Scotland.'
After a moment of silence, the Scotsman asks: 'Do you have sex in France ?'
Frenchman: 'Why of course we do', he says with a big smirk.
Scotsman: 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'
Frenchman: 'We throw them away, of course.'
Scotsman: 'We don't. In Scotland , we put them in a container, recycle them,
melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France '
Oops
----
In her memoirs, Barbara Bush described one of those most embarrassing
Moments that inevitably occur, even on the most carefully advanced of
Foreign trips. Along with her husband, then the Vice President, Mrs. Bush
Was lunching with Emperor Hirohito at Tokyo's Imperial Palace.
Sitting next to the Emperor, Mrs. Bush found the conversation an uphill
Task. To all her efforts at verbal engagement, the Emperor would smile and
Say "Yes" or "No," with an occasional "Thank You" tossed in for good
Measure.
Looking around her elegant surroundings, she complimented Hirohito on his
Official residence.
"Thank you," he said.
"Is it new?" pressed Mrs. Bush.
"Yes."
"Was the old palace just so old that it was falling down?" asked the
Intrepid visitor.
In his most charming, yet regal, matter, Hirohito replied, "No, I'm afraid
That you bombed it."
Mrs. Bush turned to her other lunch partner.
Mystery Solved
--------------
Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claim an unidentified
Object with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep and cattle ranch just
Outside Roswell, New Mexico. This well-known incident many believe
Has long been covered up by the US Air Force and the federal government.
However, you may NOT know that in the month of March 1948, exactly nine
Months after that historic UFO reached earth, Albert Arnold Gore, Jr.;
Hillary Rodham; John F. Kerry; William Jefferson Clinton; Howard Dean;
Nancy Pelosi; Dianne Feinstein; Charles E. Schumer; and Barbara
Boxer were born.
This should clear up a lot of things...
Sexual -
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday
Night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl
Announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would
Like to go out and make love for the first time .
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
Before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to
Get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's
His first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for
About an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to
Know about condoms and sex. At the register, the
Pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a
3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack
because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his
first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's
parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh,
I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner
table where the girl's parents are seated. The
boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in
prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass,
and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20
minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over
and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this
religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea
your father was a pharmacist."
---
Best Wishes
Dave
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