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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 04.01.22 09:22l 195 Lines 5711 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 24741_GB7YEW
Read: DJ6UX GUEST
Subj: Jokes 4/1
Path: DB0FHN<DB0RBS<OE5XBL<DB0FFL<OE2XZR<OE6XPE<UA6ADV<VE2PKT<GB7YEW
Sent: 220104/0711Z @:GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO #:24741 LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Make hay while the sun shines
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Did You Know -
-The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called eaglets.
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Desiderata - Max Ehrmann, 1927
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
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Peter Kay's Universal Truths:
4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
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Puns for those with a higher IQ
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
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The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class,
'Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?'
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said,
'You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to
tell my parents, and they will go and tell the Principal, who will then fire
you!'
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, 'Which body part
increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?'
Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her,
'Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!'
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class,
'Anybody?'
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said,
'The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil
of the eye.'
Mrs. Parks said, 'Very good, Billy,' then turned to Mary and continued .
'As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework.
And three, one day you are going to be very, VERY disappointed.'
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A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour.
Thewife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and
speaks in
a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a
divorce."
The wife says nothing,
Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph. The
husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," He says,
"because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far
betterlover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly
increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says
insistently..
Up to 80 . "I want the car, too," he continues.
85 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and
the boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him
nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph . The wife turns to him and
smiles."The airbag."
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Electricity"
A man is working on the busses in the US collecting tickets. He rings the
Bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman not quite on the bus.
The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the
Trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as its Texas he's sent to
The electric chair.
On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner
Grants him a final wish.
"Well", says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?"
"Yes", answers the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana?"
The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it.
When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending
Hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the
man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.
"Can I go then?", the man asks.
"I suppose so", says the executioner, "that's never happened before".
The man leaves and eventually gets a job with another bus company
Selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people
are still
getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent
Down for murder again and sent to the electric chair.
The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up
To the electric supply for the whole of Texas.
The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the
Executioner.
"Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the
Condemned man.
The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats
The banana all up and the executioner flips the switch.
Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the
Smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the chair.
The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.
Well, would you believe it, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once
Again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time
Killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair yet again.
The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to the chair,
Determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair
Smiling.
"What's your final wish?", asks the executioner.
"Well", says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed
Lunch?"
The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin
Included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go
Through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive
without even a burn mark.
"I give up", says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can still be
Alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with
That green banana isn't it", he asked.
"Nahh" said the bloke, "I'm just a really bad conductor"
--
Best Wishes
Dave
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