| |
GM3YEW > HUMOUR 13.12.21 11:19l 370 Lines 10610 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 23912_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST DJ6UX
Subj: jokes 13/12 - a
Path: DB0FHN<DB0RBS<DB0RES<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<PI8ZTM<VE3CGR<GB7YEW
Sent: 211213/0905Z 23912@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Spiders leave their webs when it is going to rain
---
Did You Know -
  Â
-Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
Â
----
*THOUGHTS**FOR CONSIDERATION*
Wouldnâ€Öt it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could
simply press Ctrl Alt Delete and start all over? AMEN!
Why is it that our children canâ€Öt read a Bible in school, but
they can in prison?
A completely brilliant question!
---
One thing's for sure: somebody at the "Indian Hills Community Centre" in Colorado has a wonderfully wrysense of humour and a darned good way with words -
DOGS CAN'T OPERATE MRI SCANNERS, BUT CATSCAN.
OUR MOUNTAINS AREN'T JUST FUNNY, THEY'RE HILL AREAS.
TURNING VEGAN WOULD BE A BIG MISSED STREAK
WELL, TO BE FRANK, I'D HAVE TO CHANGE MY NAME.
FORGET WORLD PLEASE, VISUALISE USING YOUR TURNING SIGNAL.
LIFE IS SHORT IF YOU CAN'T LAUGH AT YOURSELF, CALL ME, I WILL.
WHAT I IF TOLD YOU, YOU READ THE TOP LINE WRONG.
BAN PRE-SHREDDED CHEESE - MAKE AMERICA GRATE AGAIN
ELECTRICIANS HAVE TO STRIP TO MAKE ENDS MEET.
FOR CHEMISTS ALCOHOL IS NOT A PROBLEM IT'S A SOLUTION
------------
With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband,
"Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No" said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons
of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage,
created by a soft, silky, push up bra, and, pulled out a
crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked,
"Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No I haven't," he said with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile,
unzipped her skirt, letting It drop to the floor and
seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled
Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
"Now," she said,
"Have you ever seen 50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No way!" he said, becoming even more aroused and excited to which
she replied:
"Go look in the garage."
------
The Canadians know how to handle complaints.
Here is an example.
A Canadian female liberal wrote a lot of letters to the Canadian
government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents
(terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional
System facilities. She demanded a response to her letter.
She received back the following reply:
National Defence Headquarters
M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg., 15 NT
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2
Canada
Dear Concerned Citizen,
Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern
of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by
Canadian Forces, who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan
Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in
Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.
Our administration takes these matters seriously and your
opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa .. You will be
pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like
yourself, we are creating a new department here at the Department
of National defence,to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility
for Killers' program, or L.A.R.K. for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have
decided, on a trial basis, to divert several terrorists and place
them in homes of concerned citizens such as yourself, around the
country, under those citizens personal care. Your personal
detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation
under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday.
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud is your detainee, and is to be
cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in
your letter of complaint. You will be pleased to know that we
will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of
care for Ahmed are commensurate with your recommendations.
Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that
your sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal
problem' will help him overcome those character flaws. Perhaps
you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural
differences. We understand that you plan to offer counselings and
home schooling, however, we strongly recommend that you hire some
assistant caretakers.
Please advise any Jewish friends, neighbours or relatives about
your house guest, as he might get agitated or even violent, but
we are sure you can reason with him. He is also expert at making
a wide variety of explosive devices from common household
products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless
in your opinion, this might offend him. Your adopted terrorist is
extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish
human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers.
We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills
either in your home or wherever you choose to take him while
helping him adjust to life in our country.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters except
sexually, since he views females as a form of property, thereby
having no rights, including refusal of his sexual demands. This
is a particularly sensitive subject for him.
You also should know that he has shown violent tendencies around
women who fail to comply with the dress code that he will
recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure you will come to
enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember
that it is all part of respecting his culture and religious
beliefs' as described in your letter.
You take good care of Ahmed and remember that we will try to have
a counsellor available to help you over any difficulties you
encounter while Ahmed is adjusting to Canadian culture.
Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks
like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and
care for our fellow man. Good luck and God bless you.
Cordially,
Gordon O'Connor
Minister of National Defence
---------
-------
Moving
------
When we moved cross-country, my wife and I decided to drive both of our
Cars. Nathan, our eight-year-old, worriedly asked, "How will we keep from
Getting separated?"
"We'll drive slowly so that one car can follow the other," I reassured him.
"Yeah, but what if we DO get separated?" he persisted.
"Well, then I guess we'll never see each other again," I quipped.
"Okay," he said. "I'm riding with Mum."
The Rules For The Internet Detox centre Are As Follows:
-------------------------------------------------------
All words written must be in full form. (No shorthand)
Group Therapy is not to be mistaken as a chat room.
The words LOL, Bling, A/S/L, and Pic, Are forbidden.
When a person stalls, its not to be considered as "Lagging."
The shakes that come in forms of an "Air Keyboard" are to be treated ASAP.
Going to sleep is not to be mistaken as signing off.
One on One therapy is not to be mistaken as an "Instant Message," "Personnel Massage,"
"Paging," Or "Lofting."
All records must be filed on paper using black ink. (No computers allowed -- Period.)
No "nicknames" allowed because of the "screen name" factor.
When your treatment is over and you leave you are NOT considered to have Been "Booted."
Drummer
-------
A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked
And talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't
Improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't
Handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away
The instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't
Handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a
Conductor."
----------
Please do not forward this to any of our Ladies with my email address . . . .
Training Courses for Women...
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.
8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and petrol: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only
26. Driving: How to reverse.
-------------
A guy and a girl meet at a bar.
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.
The girl has been watching him and says:
"You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says:
"Yes .... How did you figure that out?"
"Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:
"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"
The girl replies:.....
"Didn't feel a thing."
---
Best Wishes
Dave
Read previous mail | Read next mail
| |
