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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 09.12.21 09:02l 392 Lines 7839 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 23744_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST DJ6UX
Subj: jokes 9/12
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Sent: 211209/0637Z 23744@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
The squeak of the snow will the temperature show
---
 Did You Know -
Â
Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.
Â
-
*THOUGHTS**FOR CONSIDERATION
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I canâ€Öt even get
into my own pants.
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose
fitting clothing.
If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up
in the first place!
---------
NEW SENIOR ALPHABET
A is for apple, and B is for Boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float.
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.
Now, A's for arthritis; B's the bad back,
C is for chest pains, perhaps cardiac.
D is for dental decay and decline;
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line.
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas, which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend.
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget! What comes next?
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
Just give me a pill and I'll be good as new.
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S for sleepless nights, counting my fears.
T for tinnitus; there's bells in my ears.
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy" you know.
W is for worry, NOW what's going round?
X is for X-ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have--in my mind.
I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
and I've kept twenty-six doctors fully employed!
May your troubles be less, your blessings more,
and nothing but happiness come through your door.
--
Quotes
------
"The lady at the bank asked 'What do you want on your cheque's wildlife scenery?
' I said 'I want a picture of a big thick-necked guy on my cheques'. A bouncer -
that's what my cheques are going to be.'"
-Bob Kubota
***
"No matter how much money you make you always need an extra $40 a week.
I'm sure it was Einstein who first stated: Expense equals salary plus forty
Bucks."
-Jeffrey Jena
***
"I fell in love once and I thought she fell in love with me too. Are you
Familiar with the situation? I sat with an engagement ring waiting for an
Answer. I was a single guy with an engagement ring. It was like having a
Loaded gun laying around the house. I was frightened I'd marry somebody by
Accident."
-Jake Johannsen
Secretary
---------
I had a secretary who claimed that she liked to live like she types:
Fast and with lots of mistakes.
Butcher
-------
Did you hear what happened to the butcher?
He backed into a meat slicer and got a little behind in his work.
Things To Make You Ponder
-------------------------
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was
God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity I enjoy every minute of it.
3. I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!
4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5. I used to have a handle on life but it broke.
6. Don't take life too seriously no one gets out alive.
7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10. I'm not a complete idiot -- some parts are missing.
11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12. Nyquil the stuffy sneezy why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
13. God must love stupid people He made so many.
14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
16. Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
18. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
19. Procrastinate now!
20. I have a degree in liberal arts do you want fries with that?
21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
23. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
24. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
25. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
26. A picture is worth a thousand words but it uses up three thousand
Times the memory.
27. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken a lifetime commitment for
A pig.
28. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
29. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
30. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.
Puzzle
------
"I don't understand Doc" complained Benny Jackson a man who dedicates
His life to trying to impress women but has yet to succeed. "What happened
This time?" Doc Jim asked as he sat down beside the troubled youth. "You
Know Samantha Wilcox? Her father owns several prize horses and has won
Countless racing medals with them so Samantha won't look at a guy twice
Unless he's got a heart bigger for animals then himself. I thought I had my
Story down right. Will you tell me where I went wrong?" "sure what'd you
Tell her?"
"A few years back I decided I'd take my mule Miss molly out with me to go
Gold mining. Several months went by and I found nothing but I kept
Looking. One day I struck the mother lode. It was cold miserable weather
And Miss Molly wasn't feeling too good. so instead of getting all that
Gold I found I stayed with her for weeks. Poor girl was pregnant and
After a few months of waiting and nursing she gave birth to a healthy
Baby. I didn't get the gold I just brought the two home."
"Well Ben You're just lucky she didn't throw you out a window with a
Story like that!"
What was Benny's mistake?
_________________________________________
SCROLL DOWN TO FIND THE SOLUTION
_________________________________________
Answer:
Mules are sterile: they can't get pregnant much less have healthy children!
Zimmerman Brothers Butcher Shop
-------------------------------
It's a summer holiday weekend and a man walks into a butchers which has a
sign in the window saying "Ground Sirloin: 29 cents per kilo". The man
says "I'm having a cookout this weekend. I'd like 5 kilos of your ground
sirloin please."
Vaughn the butcher shakes his head and says"Sorry. We're all out."
The man disappointed goes down the street to Zimmerman Brothers Butcher
Shop and asks"How much is your ground sirloin?". Samuel the older
brother says"It's $3.29 per kilo."
"Three twenty nine!?!" exclaimed the customer. "Just up the street he sells
it for 29 cents!"
Samuel Zimmerman smiles calmly at the gentleman and asks "Does he have
any?"
"No. He's out of it right now."
"Well" says Zimmerman. "When I don't have any I can sell it for 19 cents
per kilo!"
--------------
Sexual nature -
The $100 Tattoo
Larry gets home late one night and his wife Linda says "Where in
the hell have you been?" He replies"I was out getting a tattoo."
A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates" he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said shaking her head in
disdain "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar
bill tattooed on his privates?"
"Well for one I like to watch my money grow and two once in a
while I like to play with my money three I like how money feels in
my hand and lastly instead of you going out shopping you can stay
right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."
--
Best Wishes
Dave
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