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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 08.12.21 08:49l 398 Lines 8143 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 23692_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST DJ6UX
Subj: jokes 8/12
Path: DB0FHN<DB0RBS<DB0RES<ON0AR<GB7CIP<EI2GYB<N5MDT<GB7YEW
Sent: 211208/0643Z 23692@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
the first and last frosts are the worst
--
Did You Know -
-Apples not caffeine are more efficient at waking you up
In the morning.
---
*THOUGHTS*
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. So I
said Implants
She hit me.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president
And over fifty for Miss America
Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you are in bed with a relative.
==
We Senior Citizens are constantly being criticised for every conceivable deficiency in the modern world, real or imaginary.
We know that we take responsibility for all we have done, and do not blame others.
HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT The Senior Citizens who took;-
The Melody Out Of Music,
The Pride out of Appearance,
The Courtesy Out Of Driving Cars,
The Romance Out Of Love,
The Commitment Out Of Marriage,
The Responsibility Out Of Parenthood,
The Togetherness Out Of The Family,
The Learning Out Of Education,
The Service Out Of Patriotism,
The Golden Rule From Rulers,
The Nativity Scene Out Of Cities,
The Civility Out Of Behaviour,
The Refinement Out Of Language,
The Dedication Out Of Employment,
The Prudence Out Of Spending,
The Ambition Out Of Achievement ,
God Out Of Government And Schools.
We certainly are NOT those who eliminated patience and tolerance
from personal relationships and interactions with others !!!
We do understand the meaning of patriotism, and remember those who have fought and died
for our country.
Just look at the Seniors with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts as they stand to
attention with their hands over their hearts!
YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN !!!
I'm the life of the party.....Even if it lasts only until 8 p.m..
I'm very good at opening childproof caps..... With a hammer.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying !!!.
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere !?!?!?.
I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
I'm beginning to realize that ageing is not for wimps.
Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!
Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, !!!
I wouldn't send it back to them,
but I would send it to many more
Spread the laughter - Share the cheer
Let's be happy - While we're here.
-------
TWO GUYS ARE DRINKING AT A BAR
One says, "Did you know that Lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"
"BUGGER !" says his friend. "And I just joined The Masons....."
------
To lovers of the English language who might enjoy this.
There is a word that has more meanings than any other two-letter word,
And that is "UP."
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list
However, when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?
Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election?
Why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends, and we use it to brighten UP a room.
We polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers.
We clean UP the kitchen, and lock UP the house.
Some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning.
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets.
We work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
Now this UP is confusing:
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP,
Look the word UP in the dictionary.
In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page.
It can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is
Used.
It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP.
You may wind UP with a hundred or more.
Now when it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.
When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.
When it rains, it wets UP the earth.
When it doesn't rain for a while, things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP.
For now my time is UP, so............
Time to shut UP.....!
Oh...one more thing:
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at
Night?
U-P
Eternal Youth
-------------
The police recently busted a man selling tablets he said gave eternal
Youth. When going through their files they noticed it was the fourth time
He was caught for doing this.
He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856 and 1928.
Traffic!!!
----------
Morning rush hour goes from 7 to 10 a.m. The evening rush hour is from 3
To 7 p.m., except on Fridays, when it begins Thursday morning.
Mum's always right!
-------------------
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mum's wise words:
"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."
---------
A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's
Pulled over by the Police. The police officer approaches him and asks: "Have
You been drinking Sir?"
"Why?" asks the man, "Was I driving badly?"
"No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat
Bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious"
--------
Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show
Off his new flat.
After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong
Taking pride of place in the lounge.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
"Why, that's my Talking Clock", the man replied.
"How does it work?", asked the guest.
"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with
An unpadded hammer.
Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For goodness
Sake, it's twenty to two in the morning!"
--------
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when
They accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is
Actually alive.
She lived for ten more years, and then dies peacefully.
A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony
The pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the wall!""
---------
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on
Santa's lap.
Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and Action Man."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie
comes with Ken."
"No," said the little girl. "She comes with Action Man, she fakes it with
Ken."
----------
The other day I phoned my local pizza delivery firm and asked for a thin and
crusty supreme.
They sent me Diana Ross.
-----------
Scientist today exhumed Beethoven from his grave, when they opened the
coffin, they were shocked to see him playing the piano backwards. When asked
what this meant a spokesman said he was de-composing
--------
Sky have just won the rights to screen the first World Origami Championships
from Tokyo.
Unfortunately it's only available on Paper View
---------
Sean Connery gets a call from his agent one day.
The agent goes "Sean, I've got you a job, starts tomorrow, early. You'll
have to be there for 10-ish".
Sean furrows his brow and says "Tennish? but I don't even have a racket."
--------
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his
Haircut.
The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on
Your muffin."
"I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get breasts too."
----
Best Wishes
Dave
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