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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 07.12.21 11:33l 312 Lines 9239 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 23637_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST DJ6UX
Subj: jokes 7/12
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Sent: 211207/0912Z 23637@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Rainbow in the morning gives you fair warning
----
Bizarre Australian Laws
-----------------------
In Victoria, it is illegal to wear hot pink pants after midday Sunday.
It is illegal to walk on the right hand side of a footpath.
In Victoria, only licensed electricians may change a light bulb. The fine
for not abiding by this law is 10 pounds.
It is illegal to roam the streets wearing black clothes, felt shoes and
black shoe polish on your face as these items are the tools of a cat
burglar.
Children may not purchase cigarettes, but they may smoke them.
In Victoria, you must have a neck to knee swimsuit in order to swim at
Brighton Beach.
In Tasmania, until the Port Arthur Killings it was legal to own an AK-47
but not legal to be gay.
---
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down
the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom.
The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The
guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the
priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the
bride gave him back his credit card!
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and
get used to the idea.
---
Notes left in milk bottles For those of us who remember Milk
Deliveries in Bottles, here is a good example of a collection of notes
left in milk bottles...
Dear milkman:
I've just had a baby, please leave another one.
Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.
Cancel one pint after the day after today.
Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.
Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep
pecking the tops off the milk.
Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.
Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons
on the dole.
Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and
I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.
Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints,
but the other way round.
When you leave my milk please knock on my bedroom window and wake me
because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.
Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's Coronation
Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of
tea?
My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you
deliver or do I have to shake the bottle?
Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old
and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.
Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.
Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.
From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the
days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any
milk.
My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup
in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want
to play bingo tonight.
Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I
wrote this note yesterday.
milkman please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put
newspaper inside the screen door. P.S. Don't leave any milk.
No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until
further notice.
----
Paraprosdokian of the day
Ø I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
------
A motorist in Kreuzlingen, Switzerland is facing a driving ban, after being caught
four times by the same speed camera in the space of one minute and 37 seconds.
The motorist unwittingly passed a speed trap before turning round at the next
roundabout to investigate a mysterious flash. He drove past again, and once more
was puzzled by a flash of light. It took two more attempts - both flashed before he
spotted the camera perched on top of a traffic light.
***************************
At an evening of reminiscence about the war years held at Bournemouth, a lady
delighted the audience with a memoir about a German prisoner-of-war who was
sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945. She
recalled: "He always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came
up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler".
***************************
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
4) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
8) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
9) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
10) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
11) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
12) It's impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
13) You never ever run out of salt.
14) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
15) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
16) Despite constant warning you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
17) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
18) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
19) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
20) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
21) I've often wanted to drown my troubles but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
Marriage
--------
A Scene at a City Hall near you..........
"Next."
"Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license."
"Names?"
"Tim and Jim Jones."
"Jones? Are you related? I see a resemblance."
"Yes we're brothers."
"Brothers? You can't get married."
"Why not? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?"
"yes thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest!"
"Incest? No we are not gay."
"Not gay? Then why do you want to get married?"
"For the financial benefits of course. And we do love each other.
besides we don't have any other prospects."
"But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who've been
Denied equal protection under the law. If you are not gay you can get
Married to a woman."
"Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have.
But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman. I want
To marry Jim."
"And I want to marry Tim Are you going to discriminate against us just
Because we are not gay?"
"All right all right. I'll give you your license. Next."
"Hi. We are here to get married."
"Names?"
"John smith Jane James Robert green and June Johnson."
"Who wants to marry whom?"
"We all want to marry each other."
"But there are four of you!"
"That's right. You see we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert Jane
Loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane and Robert loves June and
Me. All of us getting married together is the only way that we can express
Our sexual preferences in a marital relationship."
"But we've only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples."
"So you're discriminating against bisexuals!"
"No it's just that well the traditional idea of marriage is that it's
Just for couples."
"Since when are you standing on tradition?"
"well I mean you have to draw the line somewhere."
"Who says? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples. The more
The better. Besides we demand our rights! The mayor says the constitution
Guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us a marriage license!"
"All right all right. Next."
"hello I'd like a marriage license."
"In what names?"
"David Deets."
"And the other man?"
"That's all. I want to marry myself."
"Marry yourself? What do you mean?"
"well my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality so I want to marry
The two together. Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return."
"That does it! I quit!! You people are making a mockery of marriage!!"
The Need
--------
The Governor made room on his busy calendar to hear the plea of one Senora
Rodriguez that her husband be released from the state penitentiary. "What
was he sentenced for?" asked the Governor gently.
"For stealing a bread truck" replied the offender's wife nervously
fingering her mantilla.
"Is he a good husband?"
"No" she replied frankly blushing a bit. "He beats me when he gets drunk he bullies
our children he's unfaithful and really not much good at all."
"It sounds to me as though you're better off without him" said the
Governor. "Why on earth do you want him out of jail?"
"Well" she explained"we're out of bread again."
---
Best Wishes
Dave
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