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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 05.11.21 08:44l 248 Lines 8707 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 22506_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST DJ6UX
Subj: jokes 5/11
Path: DB0FHN<DB0PM<OE2XZR<OE6XPE<IW2OHX<IQ2LB<GB7COW<GB7YEW
Sent: 211105/0642Z 22506@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Wells give murky water before rain
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Thanks Ian
The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize *******************
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THERE IS REASON TO BELIEVE MOST OR ALL OF THE FOLLOWING WILL BECOME REALITY IN THE NEXT 10-20 YEARS . . . .
MOST OF US WON'T SEE THE CHANGES, BUT OUR KIDS AND GRAND-KIDS WILL !!
29 - Look at what Volvo is doing right now . . . . no more internal combustion engines in their vehicles starting this year with the 2020 models . . . . They are using all-electric or hybrid only, (with the intent of phasing out hybrid models in the not too distant future) . . . .
--
Things To Make You Ponder
8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
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CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball
Of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons
for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the
store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of
tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... So does she.
A Quiz For Know It All People
-----------------------------
This is a quiz for people who know everything! I found out in a hurry that
I didn't. These are not trick questions. They are straight questions with
Straight answers.
1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants
Know the score or the leader until the contest ends.
2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?
3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several
Growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What
Are the only two perennial vegetables?
4. Name the only sport in which the ball is always in possession of the
Team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the
Ball?
5. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
6. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside
The bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it
Hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?
7. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters "dw" and
they are all common words. Name two of them.
8. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least
half of them?
9. Where are the lakes that are referred to in the Los Angeles Lakers?
10. There are 7 ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without
getting a hit. Taking a base on balls (a walk) is one way. Name the other 6.
11. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned,
processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.
12. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the
letter "S."
Answers To Quiz:
1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know
the score or the leader until the contest ends . . . boxing
2. North American landmark constantly moving backward . . . Niagara Falls
(The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the
millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)
3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several
growing seasons . . asparagus and rhubarb.
4. The only sport in which the ball is always in . possession of the team
on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball. . .
baseball.
5. The fruit with its seeds on the outside . . strawberry.
6. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the
bottle. (The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are
wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire
growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the
stems.)
7. Three English words beginning with dw..... dwarf, dwell and dwindle.
8. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar . . period, comma, colon,
semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point,
quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.
9. The original lakes referred to in Lakers . . in Minnesota. (The team was
originally known as the Minneapolis Lakers, and kept the name when they
moved west.)
10. Seven ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without
getting a hit . . . taking a base on balls (a walk). . batter hit by a
pitch, passed ball, catcher interference, catcher drops third strike,
fielder's choice, and being designated as a pinch-runner.
11. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed,
cooked, or in any other form but fresh .... lettuce.
12. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with "s" . . ..
shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes,
stockings, stilts.
------
DEFINITION OF A BARBECUE -
It's the only type of cooking a real man will do. When a man
Volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put
Into motion:
1) The woman buys the food.
2) The woman makes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on tray
Along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to
The man who is lounging beside the grill -- beer in hand.
4) The man places the meat on the grill.
5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is
Burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while
He deals with the situation.
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the
Woman.
8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils,
Napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the
Dishes.
10) Everyone praises the man and thanks him for his cooking
Efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off."
And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's
Just no pleasing some women
---------------
AVOID A "GIRLS NIGHT OUT" AFTER YOU ARE MARRIED:
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my
husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9
times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution
(even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him
"Midnight". He didn't seem bothered at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'Oh damn.',
cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled,
cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
---------------
An old Freemason sat down in Starbucks on the corner of Great Queen Street
And ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his espresso, a young
Woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the Freemason, spotted his regalia case and asked 'Are you a
Real Freemason?'
He replied, 'Well I've spent best part of my life up and down to the big
Building across the road, working the ritual, going to meetings. I've been
Through the Chair of three lodges, supported festivals and worthy causes,
Helped others and lead an upright existence so yes, I guess I am a real
Freemason'.
She said, I'm a lesbian you know. I spend my whole day thinking about
Women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I
Shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even
Think about women when I eat. It seems that everything I do makes me think
Of women.'
The two sat sipping in silence then the girl eventually left.
A little while later, a young man sat down next to the old Freemason with
A similar ritual case. Knowing the proximity of Freemasons Hall he asked,
'Are you a Freemason?'
The old man replied, 'Well, I always thought I was, but I just found out
That I'm a lesbian.'
----
Best Wishes
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