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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 31.10.21 09:00l 215 Lines 10187 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 22276_GB7YEW
Read: DJ6UX GUEST
Subj: jokes 31/10
Path: DB0FHN<OE2XZR<OE6XPE<IW2OHX<IW0QNL<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<PI8ZTM<VE3CGR<
GB7YEW
Sent: 211031/0651Z 22276@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Melt the icy fingers of fear with the sunshine of hope
------
Thanks Ian
When everything is coming your way,you're in the wrong lane *******************
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One crisp winter morning in Sweden, a cute little girl named Greta woke up to a perfect world, one where there were no petroleum products ruining the earth.
She tossed aside her cotton sheet and woollen blanket and stepped out onto a dirt floor covered with willow bark that had been pulverised with rocks. “Whats this?” she asked.“Pulverised willow bark,” replied her fairy godmother. “What happened to the carpet?” she asked. “The carpet was nylon, which is made from butadiene and hydrogen cyanide, both made from petroleum,” came the response.
Greta smiled, acknowledging that adjustments are necessary to save the planet, and moved to the sink to brush her teeth where instead of a toothbrush, she found a willow, mangled on one end to expose wood fibre bristles. “Your old toothbrush?” noted her godmother, “Also nylon.” “Wheres the water?” asked Greta. “Down the road in the canal,” replied her godmother, ‘Just make sure you avoid water with cholera in it” “Whys there no running water?” Greta asked, becoming a little peevish. “Well,” said her godmother, who happened to teach engineering at MIT, “Where do we begin?” There followed a long monologue about how sink valves need elastomer seats and how copper pipes contain copper, which has to be mined and how its impossible to make all-electric earth-moving equipment with no gear lubrication or tires and how ore has to be smelted to make metal, and thats tough to do with only electricity as a source of heat, and even if you use only electricity, the wires need insulation, which is petroleum-based, and though most of Swedens energy is produced in an environmentally friendly way because of hydro and nuclear, if you do a mass and energy balance around the whole system, you still need lots of petroleum products like lubricants and nylon and rubber for tires and asphalt for filling potholes and wax and iPhone plastic and elastic to hold your underwear up while operating a copper smelting furnace and . . . “Whats for breakfast?” interjected Greta, whose head was hurting. "Fresh, range-fed chicken eggs,” replied her godmother. “Raw.” “How so, raw?” inquired Greta. “Well, . . .” And once again, Greta was told about the need for petroleum products like transformer oil and scores of petroleum products essential for producing metals for frying pans and in the end was educated about how you cant have a petroleum-free world and then cook eggs. Unless you rip your front fence up and start a fire and carefully cook your egg in an orange peel like you do in Boy Scouts. Not that you can find oranges in Sweden anymore. “But I want poached eggs like my Aunt Tilda makes,” lamented Greta.“Tilda died this morning,” the godmother explained. “Bacterial pneumonia.” “What?!” interjected Greta. “No one dies of bacterial pneumonia! We have penicillin.” “Not anymore,” explained godmother “The production of penicillin requires chemical extraction using isobutyl acetate, which, if you know your organic chemistry, is petroleum-based. Lots of people are dying, which is problematic because theres not any easy way of disposing of the bodies since backhoes need hydraulic oil and crematoriums cant really burn many bodies using as fuel Swedish fences and furniture, which are rapidly disappearing - being used on the black market for roasting eggs and staying warm.” This represents only a fraction of Gretas day, a day without microphones to exclaim into and a day without much food, and a day without carbon-fibre boats to sail in, but a day that will save the planet. Tune in tomorrow when Greta needs a root canal and learns how Novocain is synthesised.
--
THERE IS REASON TO BELIEVE MOST OR ALL OF THE FOLLOWING WILL BECOME REALITY IN THE NEXT 10-20 YEARS . . . .
MOST OF US WON'T SEE THE CHANGES, BUT OUR KIDS AND GRAND-KIDS WILL !!
24 - Autonomous cars: In 2018 the first self-driving cars were already here . . . . In the next few years, the entire auto industry will start to be disrupted . . . . You won't want to own a car any more as you will call a car with your phone, it will show up at your location and drive you to your destination . . . .
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Things To Make You Ponder
3. I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!
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Blind On One Side
-----------------
During court one day the judge quietly passed the clerk a note reading:
"Blind on right side may be falling. Please call someone."
Understandably alarmed the clerk called for help before whispering to the
Judge that paramedics were on their way.
Puzzled the judge pointed to a sagging Venetian blind on the right side of
the room and explained"I was thinking someone from maintenance!"
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These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.
"He had delusions of adequacy."
- Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
- Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
'Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?'
- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book I'll waste no time reading it."
- Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
- Mark Twain
"He has no enemies but is intensely disliked by his friends."
- Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play bring a friend.... If you have one."
- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night will attend second... If there is one." - - Winston Churchill in response.
"I feel so miserable without you it's almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
- John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
- Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
- Paul Keating
"In order to avoid being called a flirt she always yielded easily."
- Charles Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.."
- Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
- Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
- Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go."
- Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... For support rather than illumination."
- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx
'There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.'
- Jack E. Leonard
'He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.'
- Robert Redford
'They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.'
- Thomas Brackett Reed
'He has Van Gogh's ear for music.'
- Billy Wilder
'He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.'
- Abraham Lincoln
'A modest little person with much to be modest about. '
- Winston Churchill
An exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said"If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said"If you were my wife I'd drink it."
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends Sir" said Disraeli "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
Sexual content
-------------------
At Friday night services Morris went to his friend Irving and said “Irving I need a favour -
I'm sleeping with the rabbi's wife. Can you hold him in temple for an hour after services for me?"
Irving not very fond of the idea but being Morris' lifelong friend he reluctantly agreed.
After services he struck up a conversation with the rabbi asking him all sorts of stupid questions
in an effort to keep him occupied.
After some time the wise rabbi became suspicious and asked “Irving what are you really up to with
all this?”
Irving filled with feelings of guilt and remorse confessed to the rabbi "I'm sorry Rabbi my friend
Morris is sleeping with your wife right now and asked me to keep you occupied."
The wise rabbi smiled and putting a brotherly hand on Irving's shoulder said "Irving I think you'd
better hurry home my wife died two years ago!"
--------
Catholic Parrots
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him"Father I have a problem.. I have two female parrots
but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say"hi we're hookers! Do you want to have
some fun?"
That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed then he
thought for a moment.
"You know" he said"I may have a solution
to your problem. I have two male talking parrots which I have taught to pray and read the
Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and
we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship and
your parrots are sure to stop saying ... that phrase ... in no
time."
Thank you" the woman responded"this may very
well be the solution."
The next day she brought her female parrots to the
priest's house. As he ushered her in she saw that his two male parrots were
inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. impressed she
walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes the female parrots cried out in unison:
Hi we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence.
Shocked one male parrot looked over at the other male
parrot and exclaimed "Put the beads away Frank. Our prayers have
been answered!"
---
Best Wishes
Dave
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