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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 23.10.21 08:03l 291 Lines 9933 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 21914_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST DJ6UX
Subj: jokes 23/10
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Sent: 211023/0559Z @:GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO #:21914 LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Rain before seven, fine before eleven
----
This is brilliant! We need more Prof's with a sense of humour like this one.
In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox
Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot
be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter
to Dr. Laura, penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's
funny, as well as informative:
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have
learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as
many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle,
for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be
an abomination . End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of
God's Laws and how to follow them.
1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female,
provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine
claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify?
Why can't I own Canadians?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus
21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her
period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I
tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
pleasing odour for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbours. They
claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2
clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him
myself, or should I ask the police to do it?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I
don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?
7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a
defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my
vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around
their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How
should they die?
9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me
unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different
crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two
different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse
and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of
getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just
burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep
with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable
expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.
Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
Your adoring fan,
James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus, Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction,
and Special Education University of Virginia
------
THERE IS REASON TO BELIEVE MOST OR ALL OF THE FOLLOWING WILL BECOME REALITY IN
THE NEXT 10-20 YEARS . . . . MOST OF US WON'T SEE THE CHANGES, BUT OUR KIDS AND
GRAND-KIDS WILL !!
11 - In 1998, Kodak had 170,000 employees and sold 858f all photo paper
worldwide . . . . Within just a few years, their business model disappeared . .
and they went bankrupt . . . . Who would have thought of that ever happening ??
12 - What happened to Kodak and Polaroid will happen in a lot of industries in
the next 5-10 years . . . . and most people don't even see it coming . . .
13 - Did you think in 1998 that 3 years later, you would never take pictures
on film again . . . . With today's smartphones, who even has a camera these
days??
---
A guy's wife and kids all came down with the flu. Upon returning
Home from the paediatrician's office with his four kid she turned
His attention to his ailing wife.
After preparing some chicken soup for her he picked up the phone
To call her doctor.
The receptionist answered and he related the situation to her. She
Then told him that the office was going to be closed for a couple
Of days but that his wife could have an appointment in 3 days.
He went ballistic and yelled into the phone"Three days?! The doctor
Can't see her for three days?! She could be dead by then!"
Calmly the voice at the other end of the line replied"If so would
You please call to cancel the appointment?"
-------------
Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carol
That the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears,
He asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made
Passionate love.
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, 'Darling, now I only
Have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?' Carol agreed
And again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realised he now had only eight
Hours of life left. He touched Carol 's shoulder and said, 'Darling?
Please? Just one more time before I die?' She agreed, and then
Afterwards she rolled over and fell asleep
Barry, however, lay there awake and listened to the clock ticking in his
Head, tossing and turning until he was down to only four more hours.
He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. 'Darling, I only
Have four hours left! Could we...?'
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, 'Listen, I'm not
Trying to be funny, Barry, but I have to get up in the morning - you
Don't......'
------------
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son Bob in New York and says
"I hate to ruin your day but your mother and I are divorcing.
Forty-five years of misery is enough! I'm sick of her and I'm sick
Of talking about this so call your sister in Boston and tell her"
And then hangs up.
The son frantically calls his sister who goes nuts upon hearing the
News.
She calls her father and yells"You are not getting a divorce! Bob
And I will be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a single thing do you hear
me?"
The father hangs up the phone turns to his wife and says"It worked!
The kids are coming for a visit and they're paying their own way!"
-------------
The couple had an outstandingly happy and successful marriage. The
Husband was once asked to what he attributed this remarkable situation.
"It's simple" he said. "Division of labour. My wife makes all the
Small routine decisions. She decides what house we buy where we
Go on vacation whether the kids go to private schools if I should
Change my job and so on."
"And you?"
"I make the big fundamental decisions. I decide if the United States should
Declare war on China if Congress should appropriate money for a manned
Expedition to mars and so on."
-------------
As I was driving home from work one day I stopped to watch a local
Little League baseball game that was being played in a park near my
Home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line I asked
One of the boys what the score was.
"We're behind 14 to nothing" he answered with a smile.
"Really" I said. "I have to say you don't look very discouraged."
"Discouraged?" the boy asked with a puzzled look on his face. "Why
Should we be discouraged? We haven't been up to bat yet."
-------------
"Oh No!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in
His 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could
Have survived he did not know.
He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction
He would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny
Kept him from turning and fleeing the scene. He took a deep breath and
Proceeded.
Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his
Path. He moved ahead slowly.
"Danny! Danny!" he whispered to himself. He tripped and almost fell
Several times. He heard someone or something move. At least he
Thought he did. Perhaps he was just hoping he did. He shook his
Head and felt his gut tighten.
He couldn't understand how this could have happened. There was some
Light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and wet brushed
Against his hand. He jerked it away.
In desperation he took another step then cried out"Danny!"
From a nearby pile of unidentified material he heard his son.
"Yes Dad" he said in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.
"It's time to get up and get ready for school" the man sighed"and for
heaven's sake clean up this room!"
-------------
FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!
Except that one where you're naked in church.
Kinky is using a feather.
Perverted is using the whole chicken.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
In just two days from now tomorrow will be yesterday.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory
The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.
I may be schizophrenic but at least I have each other.
I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.
I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.
Dyslexics Have More Nuf.
I have kleptomania but when it gets bad I take something for it.
Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
--
Best Wishes
Dave
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