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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 18.10.21 08:27l 259 Lines 6791 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 21687_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST DJ6UX
Subj: jokes 18/10
Path: DB0FHN<OE2XZR<OE6XPE<IW2OHX<IW0QNL<VE2PKT<GB7YEW
Sent: 211018/0621Z 21687@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Cold is the night when the stars shine bright
--------
Thanks John
*The Best Way To Pray*
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for
prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.
"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.
"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands
outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position
is lying down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he
interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hanging upside
down from a telephone pole."
-----
HERE IS REASON TO BELIEVE MOST OR ALL OF THE FOLLOWING WILL BECOME REALITY IN THE NEXT 10-20 YEARS . . . . MOST OF US WON'T SEE THE CHANGES, BUT OUR KIDS AND GRAND-KIDS WILL !!
6 - Street corners will have meters that dispense electricity . . . . Companies will install electrical recharging stations . . . . in fact, they've already started in the developed world . . . .
--
"The lady at the bank asked 'What do you want on your cheques wildlife scenery?
' I said 'I want a picture of a big thick-necked guy on my cheques'. A bouncer -
that's what my cheques are going to be.'"
-Bob Kubota
Bizarre Shark Facts
-------------------
Sharks lived more than 400 million years ago - 200 million years before
Dinosaurs existed.
Shark skin is covered with small teeth-like denticles which can tear human
Skin on contact. It was once used as sandpaper by coastal wood-workers.
In a single year a shark goes through more than 20,000 knife-like teeth.
Unlike other fish sharks lack air bladders and consequently have to keep
Moving to avoid sinking and drowning.
To a shark a swimmer in a black wet-suit looks a lot like a seal or sea
Lion.
The Great White shark has no natural enemies and it never gets sick.
Three times as many people are killed by lightning as are killed by sharks.
Sharks have three eyelids on each eye to protect against the thrashing of
Its prey.
Some types of sharks can smell one part of blood in 100 million parts of
Water.
*****
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit, I'm a billionaire.
~ Howard Hughes
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Bank Has No Time For Complaining Customers
------------------------------------------
LONDON - A chain of British banks is removing clocks from its branches to
Reduce the amount of grumbling among customers waiting in line. As part of
A planned £250 million corporate makeover NatWest spokesman Ronan Kelleher
Said research showed that customers tend to complain more if they are
Reminded how long they have been waiting in line. He said a survey by the
Bank also found clocks were not something that would "enhance" the banking
Experience Sky News reported. A time element for the clock removal was not
Given. I'm sure customers' watches will be confiscated before getting in
Line.
A New & Different Maths Trick
-----------------------------
Here is a maths trick that might get you thinking...
1. Grab a calculator. (you won't be able to do this one in your head)
2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT the area code)
3. Multiply by 80
4. Add 1
5. Multiply by 250
6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number
7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.
8. Subtract 250
9. Divide number by 2
Do you recognise the answer?
-------------
Two little old ladies were attending a rather long church service.
One leaned over and whispered "My butt is going to sleep."
"I know" replied her companion"I heard it snore three times."
---------
A woman brought a very limp duck into a vet's surgery.
She laid her pet on the table the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the
bird's chest.
After a moment or two the vet shook his head sadly and said 'I'm so sorry your
duck "Cuddles" has passed away'
The distressed owner wailed 'Are you sure?'
'Yes I am sure. The duck is dead' he replied.
'How can you be so sure' she protested. 'I mean you haven't done any testing
On him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something'
The Vet rolled his eyes turned around and left the room and returned a few
Minutes later with a black Labrador retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement the dog stood on his hind legs put
His paws on the table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked at the Vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few minutes later with a cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot.
The cat sat back on its haunches shook its head mewed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said'I'm sorry but as I said this is most definitely 100 ertifiably a dead duck'.
The vet turned to his PC hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner still in shock took the bill. £150!' she cried £150 just to tell me my duck
is dead!'
The vet just shrugged and said 'I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it the bill would
Have been £20 but with the Lab report and the Cat scan it's now £150
-----------
Sexual & non PC.
Little Margaret Mary was not the best student in Catholic School ..
Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
'Tell me Margaret Mary, who created the universe?'
When Margaret Mary didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend
sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
'God Almighty!' shouted Margaret Mary.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Margaret Mary, 'Who is our Lord and
Savior?'
But Margaret Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny
came to her rescue and stuck Margaret Mary in the butt with the pencil.
'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Margaret Mary and the Nun once again said,
'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam
after she had her twenty-third child?'
Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Margaret Mary jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that
thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'
The nun fainted.
---------
A man goes into a sex shop and asks for an inflatable doll.
The shop assistant says, 'Male or female?'
The customer says, 'Female.'
The shop assistant asks, 'Black or white?'
The customer replies, 'White.'
The shop assistant asks, 'Christian or Muslim?'
The customer replies, 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'
The shop assistant says, 'The Muslim one blows itself up'
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