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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 17.10.21 10:00l 398 Lines 13488 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 21629_GB7YEW
Read: DJ6UX GUEST
Subj: jokes 17/10
Path: DB0FHN<DB0PM<OE2XZR<OE6XPE<IW2OHX<IW0QNL<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<PI8ZTM<
VE3CGR<GB7YEW
Sent: 211017/0747Z 21629@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
No matter how long the winter, spring is sure to follow
-------
Thanks John
Religious humour.
*The Usher*
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly
usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.
"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row, please," she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is
really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No," he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No," she said.
"Good," he answered.
---
HERE IS REASON TO BELIEVE MOST OR ALL OF THE FOLLOWING WILL BECOME REALITY IN THE NEXT 10-20 YEARS . . . . MOST OF US WON'T SEE THE CHANGES, BUT OUR KIDS AND GRAND-KIDS WILL !!
5 - Petrol pumps will go away . . . .
--
TWO GUYS ARE DRINKING AT A BAR
One says, "Did you know that Lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"
"BUGGER !" says his friend. "And I just joined The Masons....."
------
Roses are reddish,
Violets are bluish,
If it wasn't for Christmas,
We'd all be Jewish
----
Britain !
I think this really sums it all up.
After hearing that many cities did not want to offend other cultures by
Putting up Xmas lights so DIDN'T!
After hearing that the Birmingham council changed its opinion and let a
Muslim woman have her picture on her driver's license with her face covered.
After hearing of a Primary School in Birmingham where a boy was told that
For PE they could wear Football League shirts (Aston Villa Birmingham West
Brom etc) but NOT an England shirt as it could offend others !
This prompted the editorial below written by a UK citizen.
Published in a British tabloid newspaper.
IMMIGRANTS. NOT BRITONS MUST ADAPT.
Take It Or Leave It. I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are
Offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on
London we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Brits.
However the dust from the attacks has barely settled and the 'politically
Correct crowd begin complaining about the possibility that our patriotism
Is offending others.
I am not against immigration nor do I hold a grudge against anyone who is
Seeking a better life by coming to Britain . However there are a few things
That those who have recently come to our country and apparently some born
Here need to understand.
This idea of London being a multicultural centre for community has served
Only to dilute our sovereignty and our national identity. As Britons we
Have our own culture our own society our own language and our own
Lifestyle. This culture has been developed over centuries of wars struggles
Trials and victories fought by the untold masses of men and women who laid
Down their lives and one of the millions of men and women who have sought
Freedom.
We speak ENGLISH not Spanish Lebanese Arabic Chinese Japanese Russian
or any other language.
Therefore if you wish to become part of our society learn the language! 'In God
We Trust' is our National Motto.
This is not some Christian right wing political slogan. We adopted this
Motto because Christian men and women on Christian principles founded this
Nation and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to
Display it on the walls of our schools.
If God offends you then I suggest you consider another part of the world as
Your new home because God is part of our culture. If St. George's cross
Offends you or you don't like ' A Fair Go' then you should seriously
Consider a move to another part of this planet.
We are happy with our culture and have no desire to change and we really
Don't care how you did things where you came from. This is OUR COUNTRY OUR
LAND and OUR LIFESTYLE and we will allow you every opportunity to enjoy
All this.
But once you are done complaining whining and griping about Our Flag Our
Pledge Our National Motto or Our Way of Life I highly encourage you take
Advantage of one other great British freedom 'THE RIGHT TO LEAVE'.
We didn't force you to come here. If you don't like it GO HOME!!
You asked to be here. So accept the country YOU accepted. Pretty easy really
When you think about it. I figure if we all keep passing this to our
Friends (and enemies) it will also sooner or later get back to the
Complainers lets all try please.
------------
Taken from the guardian actual letter sent by the Inland Revenue:
Dear Mr Addison I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than
prompt reply to Our latest communication and also to answer some of the points
you raise. I Will address them as ever in order. Firstly I must take issue
with your Description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more
Properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we at the Inland
Revenue have always for reasons of accuracy traditionally referred to such
Documents.
Secondly your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent
Whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the
Doormat" has been noted. However whilst I have naturally not seen the
Other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being
From "pauper councils Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant
Gas-monger" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the
Toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common
With my own organisation it is unlikely that the senders of these letters
Do see you as a "lack wit bumpkin" or come to that a "sodding charity".
More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain with a Responsibility
To contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.
Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth
In your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the
Canker-blighted toppling folly that is the Public Services" a moment's
Rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the
Government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party"
Yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of
The Funds levied by taxation whilst colourful are in fairness a little off
The mark. Less
Than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles"
and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is
allocated to for example "that box-ticking façade of a university system.
A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:
1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with
the vagaries of the postal system
2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows of those with nothing
else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the
Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant the sheer medical-logistics
involved would make it financially nonviable.
I trust this has helped. In the meantime whilst I would not in any way wish
to influence your decision one way or the other I ought to point out that
even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live
in India" you would still owe us the money.
Please forward it by Friday.
Yours Sincerely H J Lee
Customer Relations
----------------
Bizarre Coincidences
--------------------
A distraught architect threw himself in front of a train in the London
Underground in a suicide attempt. Luckily the train stopped inches from
his body in fact it had to be jacked off its tracks to allow his removal.
When questioned however the driver informed officials he hadn't stopped
the train. An investigation revealed that one of the passengers unaware of
the suicide attempt had independently pulled the emergency brake. London
Transport officials considered prosecuting the passenger for illegal use of
the emergency brake but ultimately decided against it.
George D. Bryson a businessman from Connecticut decided to change his
travel plans and stop in Louisville Kentucky a place he'd never visited
before. He went to a local hotel and made preparations to check into Room
307. Before he could do so a hotel employee handed him a letter addressed
to his exact name. It turned out the previous occupant of Room 307 was
another George D. Bryson.
One three separate occasions - in the years 1664 1785 and 1860 - there
was a shipwreck in which only one person survived the accident. Each time
that one person was named Hugh Williams.
In 1983 a woman told British Rail authorities about a disturbing vision
she had of a fatal train crash involving an engine with the numbers 47 216.
As Grandmother used to say
No matter how long the winter, spring is sure to follow
-------
HERE IS REASON TO BELIEVE MOST OR ALL OF THE FOLLOWING WILL BECOME REALITY IN THE NEXT 10-20 YEARS . . . . MOST OF US WON'T SEE THE CHANGES, BUT OUR KIDS AND GRAND-KIDS WILL !!
5 - Petrol pumps will go away . . . .
--
TWO GUYS ARE DRINKING AT A BAR
One says, "Did you know that Lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"
"BUGGER !" says his friend. "And I just joined The Masons....."
------
Britain !
I think this really sums it all up.
After hearing that many cities did not want to offend other cultures by
Putting up Xmas lights so DIDN'T!
After hearing that the Birmingham council changed its opinion and let a
Muslim woman have her picture on her driver's license with her face covered.
After hearing of a Primary School in Birmingham where a boy was told that
For PE they could wear Football League shirts (Aston Villa Birmingham West
Brom etc) but NOT an England shirt as it could offend others !
This prompted the editorial below written by a UK citizen.
Published in a British tabloid newspaper.
IMMIGRANTS. NOT BRITONS MUST ADAPT.
Take It Or Leave It. I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are
Offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on
London we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Brits.
However the dust from the attacks has barely settled and the 'politically
Correct crowd begin complaining about the possibility that our patriotism
Is offending others.
I am not against immigration nor do I hold a grudge against anyone who is
Seeking a better life by coming to Britain . However there are a few things
That those who have recently come to our country and apparently some born
Here need to understand.
This idea of London being a multicultural centre for community has served
Only to dilute our sovereignty and our national identity. As Britons we
Have our own culture our own society our own language and our own
Lifestyle. This culture has been developed over centuries of wars struggles
Trials and victories fought by the untold masses of men and women who laid
Down their lives and one of the millions of men and women who have sought
Freedom.
We speak ENGLISH not Spanish Lebanese Arabic Chinese Japanese Russian
or any other language.
Therefore if you wish to become part of our society learn the language! 'In God
We Trust' is our National Motto.
This is not some Christian right wing political slogan. We adopted this
Motto because Christian men and women on Christian principles founded this
Nation and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to
Display it on the walls of our schools.
If God offends you then I suggest you consider another part of the world as
Your new home because God is part of our culture. If St. George's cross
Offends you or you don't like ' A Fair Go' then you should seriously
Consider a move to another part of this planet.
We are happy with our culture and have no desire to change and we really
Don't care how you did things where you came from. This is OUR COUNTRY OUR
LAND and OUR LIFESTYLE and we will allow you every opportunity to enjoy
All this.
But once you are done complaining whining and griping about Our Flag Our
Pledge Our National Motto or Our Way of Life I highly encourage you take
Advantage of one other great British freedom 'THE RIGHT TO LEAVE'.
We didn't force you to come here. If you don't like it GO HOME!!
You asked to be here. So accept the country YOU accepted. Pretty easy really
When you think about it. I figure if we all keep passing this to our
Friends (and enemies) it will also sooner or later get back to the
Complainers lets all try please.
------------
Soup Solution
-------------
Customer: Waiter there's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Don't worry sir. The frog should surface any moment now.
Two years later a train had a fatal accident similar to the one the woman
had described. The engine number however was 47 299. Later someone
noticed that the number had previously been changed by nervous British Rail
officials. The original number: 47 216.
Several secret code words were devised by Allied military commanders during
their preparations to invade Normandy in World War II. Among them: "Utah"
"Neptune" "Mulberry" "Omaha" and "Overlord." Before the invasion could
Begin however all of these words appeared in a crossword puzzle in the
London Daily Telegraph. After interrogating the puzzle's author an English
school teacher authorities became convinced that it was sheer inexplicable coincidence.
Soup Solution
-------------
Customer: Waiter there's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Don't worry sir. The frog should surface any moment now.
--
Best Wishes
Dave
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