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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 15.10.21 10:32l 628 Lines 15355 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 21483_GB7YEW
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Subj: jokes 15/10
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Sent: 211015/0817Z 21483@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
When spiders weave their webs by noon, fine weather is coming soon
-------
Thanks John
Religious humour.
*The Picnic*
A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of
July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.
"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You
really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't
understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't
know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs.
Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going
to break down and try it?"
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."
---
HERE IS REASON TO BELIEVE MOST OR ALL OF THE FOLLOWING WILL BECOME REALITY IN THE NEXT 10-20 YEARS . . . . MOST OF US WON'T SEE THE CHANGES, BUT OUR KIDS AND GRAND-KIDS WILL !!
3 - Faulty electric motors are NOT repaired in the dealership but are sent to a regional repair shop that repairs them with ROBOTS . . . .
More tomorrow
--
Three sisters age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts her foot in and pauses.
She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses, then she yells,
"Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having tea
listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says,
"I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks
on wood for good measure. She then yells,
"I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see
who's at the door."
---------
One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road,
when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.
Without a moment's hesitation he ran out onto the ice and slipped
and slid over to a little girl. He managed to pull her out without
breaking the ice further and carried her back to the road. He took
off his coat and wrapped her in it and then began looking for a car
to flag down.
The father drives up. "How can I ever thank you sir?" he says after
putting his daughter into the warmth of the limo. "Just name your
price - I'm a wealthy man."
"Ahem, well ..." stammered the tramp "...he I'm a little short of cash,
perhaps you could help me out"
"Oh dear" says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have
ten dollars - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe"
"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten dollars is more money than I've
seen in my whole life - that will be plenty".
"Ten Dollars" thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!", and off he goes to
the town, to buy himself a holiday.
He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and
goes up to the desk. "I'll have one holiday please!"
"Ahem, which holiday would sir like" asked the girl at the desk, forcing
a smile.
"Oh, any holiday I don't mind, anything up to ten dollars" replied the tramp.
"TEN DOLLARS!! You'll *never* get a holiday for ten dollars" says the
girl incredulously.
She goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest
filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement - she finds an old file.
"Well you'll never believe it" she says to the tramp, back in the shop. "I've got
you a holiday - its a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class round the
world cruise - and it costs ten dollars"
"Yippee", exclaims the tramp, "I'll take it"
A few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the dock is the most beautiful,
most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking ocean-going liner he has ever seen.
"Get off my ship ye dirty bum!" shouts a voice, and an irate captain storms down
the gangplank and kicks the tramp down onto the dockside.
"But I've got my ticket!", responds the tramp, "Super-duper, ultra- hyper,
mega-economy class, and I want on!"
"Ahem, well O.K.", says the captain, "But you can't come on just now, I
don't want my first-class passengers seeing you. Come back at midnight
when it's dark and I'll let you on then."
So the tramp finds himself a quiet spot among some cargo cases on the
dockside, and he falls asleep.
"Psst", says a voice, waking him with a start. It was the captain. "Hurry up,
it's midnight, let's get you to your cabin"
The tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up the gangway,
and onto the ship - and what a ship!
First they went down through the first class level:
Oriental carpets - 6" pile. A genuine Rembrandt on every wall. Leave your
shoes outside for cleaning, and the steward brings a new pair. 24 CT gold
trim everywhere.
Then the second class:
As above, but perhaps the carpets were only 3" deep, and so on...
3rd, 4th, 5th class,
Down past the casinos,
And the ballrooms,
Down through the crew's quarters,
Down through the galleys, and the engine rooms,
Until finally,
At the lowest point in the ship,
Against the very hull,
The captain opens a watertight door into a tiny 7' x 4' cabin, with a
hammock, a bedside table, and an alarm clock.
"Sheer luxury!" exclaimed the tramp, "A room of my very own."
"I'm glad you like it" replies the captain, "but there is one more thing..."
"Your class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities of the ship,
at night - when all the other passengers are asleep. So that's what the
alarm clock is for. Enjoy your cruise."
Well the cruise began, and the tramp had a whale of a time. Sleeping by
day, and up on deck at night - he loved it. One-man-tennis, clay pigeon
shooting, more food than he'd ever seen...
Then one morning, a week or so into the cruise, the tramp decided he'd
have a go on the diving board of the pool. He had just enough time for one
dive before he had to go below.
He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the board tip, bounced, and dived...
....and what a dive...!
Perfectly poised in the air, he hit the water without so much as a ripple.
Now unknown to him, the captain - who'd grown rather fond of the poor
old tramp - was standing watching this.
"That was amazing!" exclaimed the captain, "Where did you learn to dive
like that?"
"Eh, well I've never actually dived before" replied the tramp.
"Well that's incredible!" says the captain,
"I've never seen...."
He broke off.
"Hey, I've an idea", he started again.
"How would you like to train a bit, and we'll put on a show for the other
passengers. I'll pay you, and you can then afford to go first class!"
"It's a deal!" says our man.
For the next 3 weeks the tramp practices like he's never practiced before.
Back-flips, front-flips, triple-back sideways axled dives, you name it he tried it.
Then one morning the captain came to talk.
"O.K. I'd like you to stay in your cabin for the next 2 days. We're
going to erect a high diving board for you."
"O.K." agreed the tramp.
Two days passed, and the big day arrived. The ship was humming with
excitement. Everyone wanted to see the mystery diver. The captain had
provided the tramp with a new pair of swimming trunks and he wore
these as he stepped out onto the sun-beaten deck.
Gasps of astonishment from the crowd, and a hushed awe.
Higher than the eye could see, towering up and up, rose a slender
column of metal.
"Well tramp" said the captain, shaking his hand, "Let's see what you
can do." And with that the Captain handed him a walkie talkie.
And the tramp began to climb...
up and up...
below him the ship grew smaller...
on and on...
past a solitary albatross...
and still higher...
till the ship was but a speck on the ocean below...
and on still further...
till the ocean grew dim...
and the earth itself...
began to shrink...
past our moon...
and on...
and mars...
and on...
higher, and higher...
through the asteroid belt...
and on and on towards the diving board...
past the outer planets, until...
on the outermost reaches of the Solar System...
he reached the board.
He climbed on top and radioed the captain...
and then...
he jumped
slowly at first
but speeding up
faster, and faster speeding past Pluto and the other outer planets .
through the asteroid belt:
past Mars,
and the moon,
faster,
and faster,
faster - ever faster,
and by now the earth was growing large in the distance,
the oceans and land masses grew clear,
faster, and faster...
past the albatross,
double-back somersault,
and he could see the ship, tiny in the distance,
hurtling down now, he posed, ready for the final 500 feet,
Down on the ship the crew strained their necks,
"I CAN SEE HIM!" yelled a passenger, "LOOK!!"
The tramp streaked down towards the pool, did a last triple flip, and dove...
NOT A RIPPLE ON THE SURFACE!
DOWN THROUGH THE WATER!
SMASHED THROUGH THE POOL BOTTOM!
DOWN THROUGH THE FIRST DECK!
SMASHING THROUGH THE SECOND!
DOWN!
DOWN!
THROUGH THE CREW'S QUARTERS!
THROUGH THE ENGINE ROOMS!
SMASHING THROUGH HIS OWN LITTLE CABIN!
AND DOWN THROUGH THE STEEL HULL OF THE SHIP!
STILL DOWN...!
DEEPER,
DEEPER INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS,
TILL..........
SMASH! Into the sea bed, sinking a 37' shaft in the process.
Desperate for air he struggle out of the shaft, his lungs bursting he swam frantically for the surface.
Up and up, desperate, gasping...
Out of the water, up the ladder onto the deck of the ship, into a throng wild with acclaim.
HERO! WONDERFUL! AMAZING! BLOODY GOOD SHOW THAT!
And handing him a heated towel the captain spoke, as a hush fell over
the crowd.
"Well tramp, I have *NEVER* seen anything like that, *EVER*.
That was the most *STUPENDOUS* piece of diving I have ever seen"
The tramp blushed.
The captain went on:
"But tell me, most amazing of all is how you survived smashing through
this boat after you dived - how did you do it."
And the tramp looked at the captain, and the crowd and replied modestly:
"Well you see....
I'm a poor tramp...
so you must understand...
I've been through many a hardship in my life"
------------
Marriage - Part I
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after
the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want
and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to
be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go
hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my
old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my
rules.
Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand
that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night ......
whether you're here or not."
(DAMN SHE'S GOOD!)
************************************
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads:
"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads:
"Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
******************************
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast
table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed
either," and storms out of the house.
After sometime, he realises he was nasty and decides to make
amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and
the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the
phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)
******************************************
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He
is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six"
in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to
go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of
Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts
right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
**************************************
Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were
giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man
realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM
for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the
first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00
AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a
rough draft before the masterpiece.
--------
An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees!'
'What powerful rivers!'
'What beautiful animals!'
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the
bushes behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.He
ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw
that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.
He tripped & fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on
top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw
to strike him.At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out: 'Oh my
God!'Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist
and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'
'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?'
'Am I to count you as a believer?'
The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be
hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now,
but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'
'Very well', said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear
dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head &
spoke:'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy
bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'
-----------
In an Indian restaurant last night having a meal, waiter came over and
says, 'Curry OK?'
I said, 'Go on then, just one song then b*****r off'
-----
Best Wishes
Dave
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