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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 06.10.21 08:15l 287 Lines 7823 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 20999_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST DJ6UX
Subj: jokes 7/10
Path: DB0FHN<OE2XZR<OE6XPE<IW2OHX<IW0QNL<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<W0ARP<AL0Y<
GB7YEW
Sent: 211006/0604Z 20999@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
If corn husks are thicker than usual, a cold winter is ahead
-----
Palm Reading :-
It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction.
--
Dementia at our age? Heaven help the world to follow.
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency
room, the kid had eaten ants.
The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine.
The mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer.
'Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency right now!
Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!!
Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh...it is all true.
Last in this series
----------
People were in their pews talking at church.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the
Church. Everyone started screaming and running
For the front entrance, trampling each other in
a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one
Elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew
Without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact
That God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't
You know who I am?
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for
All eternity persisted Satan?
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you
Afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 44 years."
--------
Honour
------
I prefer the "u" in honour, as it seems to be missing these days....
Bizarre Abraham Lincoln Facts
-----------------------------
During the 1860 Republican National Convention, his campaign managers
Forged convention passes in order to pack the galleries with Lincoln
Supporters, shutting out hundreds of his opponent's supporters in the
Process.
Lincoln hated being called "Abe" - friends called him Lincoln.
Although Lincoln's voice is often portrayed in movies as being deep and
Booming, his actual voice was high-pitched, piercing and shrill.
Lincoln wasn't always honest: After one trip to Springfield, Illinois, he
Filed for compensation for the 3,252 miles he claimed to have traveled. The
Actual length of the trip was 1,800 miles.
He really did carry important documents in his stovepipe hat.
About a week before his assassination, Lincoln had a dream in which he
"awoke" to the sound of sobbing and went to the East Room of the White
House - which had been prepared for a funeral. When he asked a guard who
Had died, he replied: "The President."
--------
An RAF Group Captain was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Group Captain
decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed
to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it
was "pleasure?"
A Wing Commander chimed in with 75-252n favour of work.
A Squadron Leader said it was 50-50Ð
A Flight Lieutenant responded with 25-752n favour of pleasure, depending upon
his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the Group Captain turned to the Corporal who was in
charge of making the coffee.
What was his opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young Corporal responded, "Sir, it has to be 100ªpleasure."
The Group Captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for
them."
The room fell silent.
God Bless the lower ranks.
------
Headlines From The Year 2029
----------------------------
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest
Country in the world, Mexifornia formally known as California. White
Minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third
Language.
The Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and
Livestock.
Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the
Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).
Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more
Years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally,
But President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail
Delivery to Wednesdays only.
85-year $75 billion study : Diet and Exercise are the keys to weight loss.
Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed,
They now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters
And rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
Congress authorises direct deposit of formerly illegal political
Contributions to campaign accounts.
Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.
IRS sets minimum tax rate at 75 percent.
Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines
-------
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS:
Smart man smart woman = romance
Smart man dumb woman = affair
Dumb man smart woman = marriage
Dumb man dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC:
Smart boss smart employee = profit
Smart boss dumb employee = production
Dumb boss smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATHS:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS:
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and try not to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
MEMORY:
Any married man should forget his mistakes,
there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE:
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
COMPREHENSION:
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're
next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
--
Best Wishes
Dave
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