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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 05.09.21 08:47l 292 Lines 10542 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 25518_GB7YEW
Read: DJ6UX GUEST
Subj: jokes 5/9
Path: DB0FHN<DB0FFL<OE5XBL<DB0RBS<DB0ERF<OK0NAG<OK0PBR<OK2PEN<VE2JOS<VA3BBS<
VE3CGR<GB7YEW
Sent: 210905/0627Z 25518@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
If you want a place in the sun you must leave the shade of the family tree
----
AFTER THE FEASTING IS OVER
In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli cauliflower and spinach with green yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. Then using God's bountiful gifts Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said "You want hot fudge with that? And Man said "Yes!" And Woman said "I'll have one too with chocolate chips". And lo they gained 10 pounds.
And God created the healthy yogurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14. So God said "Try my fresh green salad". And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said "I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them". And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak so big it needed its own platter and Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
Then God brought forth the potato naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds.
God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.
Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said "You want fries with that?" and Man replied "Yes And super size 'em". And Satan said "It is good." And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed .......... And created quadruple by-pass surgery. And then . Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.
---------
Quotes:-
It's a very _Unlucky week in which to be took dead.
-- Churchy La Femme
---
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published
by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the
exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
__________
THE MEMORIAL STONE
Billy died... His will provided £30000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair his wife Joyce turned to
Her oldest and dearest friend Jan.
"Well I'm sure Billy would be pleased" she said.
"I'm sure you're right" replied Jan who lowered her
Voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"
"All of it" said Joyce ... "Thirty thousand."
"No!" Jan exclaimed. "I mean it was very nice but £30000?"
Joyce answered "The funeral was £6500.
I donated £500 to the synagogue.
The whisky wine and snacks were another £500.
The rest went for the Memorial Stone."
Jan computed quickly. "£22500 for a Memorial Stone?
My God how big is it?"
"Two and a half carats."
-------------
Good Bad And Worse
------------------
GOOD: You find an Armani suit on sale at a terrific price!
BAD: It needs a little work at your alterations shop.
WORSE: The tailor there has never seen a Stanley Armani suit before.
GOOD: The tests are positive - you're gonna' be a dad again!
BAD: You really can't afford another kid on your pay.
WORSE: You haven't told your wife.
GOOD: Your mother in-law makes a chocolate cake you love!
BAD: You get home and she's come for dinner, apparently empty-handed.
WORSE: No, she's brought your cake. It's in the den with her luggage.
GOOD: You went for the 200,000 km, head-to-tail warranty on the RV.
BAD: You watch the odometer pass 199,999.
WORSE: ...When a cloud of white smoke fills the passenger compartment.
GOOD: The kids are getting really good at surfing the Internet!
BAD: You worry about all the sicko porn sites out there!
WORSE: You get a bill for hosting a website - www.kiddiesleaze,.com
GOOD: You're enjoying Parent's Night at Millard C Fillmore Jr. High
school...
BAD: ...Until a school counsellor urges therapy for both your son and
daughter.
WORSE: You only have one kid.
GOOD: You've got the nicest gardens in town thanks to Mario, your gardener.
BAD: Your wife beams when she talks of the hours spent helping him.
WORSE: She doesn't have a suntan.
GOOD: You're the man! You'll go to the National Trade Show with the Boss.
BAD: Hotel space is tight. You will share his suite for a week.
WORSE: On the flight, he tells you you're cute.
GOOD: Your daughter loves a nice young man, the owner of the local hair
salon.
BAD: There's a rumour going around town that he's gay.
WORSE: Your wife guarantees you that he's not.
---------
Plants
------
The teacher was telling the class about plants that have the word "dog" in
Front of them: dogrose, dogwood, dog violet. She asked the class if they
Could name another flower with the prefix "dog."
Steven raised his hand and said, "Sure, Miss Jones, a 'collie' flower!"
Boss
----
You may think your boss is stupid, but remember, if he was smart you
Probably wouldn't have a job.
-----------
BIBLE SALES
If this doesn't make you laugh just go ahead and close your casket!!!
A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial
troubles. While checking the church storeroom he discovered several
cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.
So at his Sunday sermon he asked for three volunteers from the
congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10
each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.
Jack Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.
The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and
were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts
about Louie who was a local farmer who had always kept to himself
because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louis
stuttered badly. But not wanting to discourage Louis, the minister decided
to let him try anyway.
He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked
with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of
their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.
Anxious to find out how successful they were the minister immediately
asked Jack 'Well Jack how did you make out selling our bibles last week?'
Proudly handing the reverend an envelope Jack replied 'Using my sales
prowess I was able to sell 20 bibles and here's the $200 I collected on
behalf of the church.'
'Fine job Jack!' The minister said vigorously shaking his hand. 'You are
indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you.'
Turning to Paul 'And Paul how many bibles did you sell for the Church last
week?'
Paul smiling and sticking out his chest confidently replied 'I am a
professional
salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church and here's $280 I
collected.'
The minister responded 'That's absolutely splendid Paul. You are truly a
professional salesman and the church is indebted to you.'
Apprehensively the minister turned to Louie and said ' And Louie did you
manage to sell any bibles last week?' Louie silently offered the
minister a large
envelope.
The minister opened it and counted the contents. 'What is this?' the
minister
exclaimed. 'Louie there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold
320 bibles for the church door to door in just one week?'
Louie just nodded. That's impossible!' both Jack and Paul said in
unison. 'We
are professional salesmen yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles
as we could.' 'yes this does seem unlikely' the minister! Agreed. 'I
think you'd
better explain how you managed to accomplish this Louie.'
Louie shrugged. 'I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-
sh-sure' he stammered. Impatiently Peter interrupted. 'For crying out loud
Louie just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!'
'A-a -a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was' Louis replied' W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-
you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bibleF-f-for
t-t-ten b
-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-
t-to St-St-stand h-h-he re and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??'
-------------
Minor sexual content -
Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield ...........HE WAS FUNNY !!!!!
Because he said ....
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to
time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips yet
She won't drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy
negligee. The only trouble was she was coming home.
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlour. It was self-service.
If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said' Are you
going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said 'No I hate myself
now.'
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when
you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.
I knew a girl so ugly... They use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
My wife is such a bad cook if we leave dental floss in the kitchen
the cockroaches hang themselves.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging naked. I asked him why?'
He said 'Because you came home early.'
My wife's such a bad cook the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
My wife is such a bad cook in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex she called me from
Chicago last night.
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy I wouldn't of
had anything to play with.
--
Best Wishes
Dave.
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