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GM3YEW > HUMOUR   03.09.21 08:34l 358 Lines 11952 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
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As Grandmother used to say

  Fair on September first, fair for the month


  --
Topical-


A bedraggled man is in a queue, waiting for his 56th booster jab to stop 
the 89th variant that comes with the 23rd wave.

thanks Colin

---

Palm Reading ;-

Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.

--------

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published
by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the
exchanges were taking place.

-

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

More tomorrow
---

  Ole Olsen, a furniture dealer from up at Saskatoon, Saskatchewan,
decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to
Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and
selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the
new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of
wine.

As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was
quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant
seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his
table; asked him something in French (which Ole couldn't understand); so he
motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak
to her in English, but she did not speak his language.

After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he
took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She
nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another
napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They
left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing
romantic music. They ordered dinner.....after which he took another napkin
and drew a picture of a couple dancing.

She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe
closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a
picture of a four-poster bed.


To this day, Ole has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture
business
   --------


Me:    During an overnight at a hotel away from home, I took my computer
down to the bar to do some data entries.


Sitting down at the bar and I asked the bartender: ‘Whatâ€Ös the wifi
password?â€Ö

Bartender:    You need to buy a drink first.

Me:    Okay, Iâ€Öll have a beer.

Bartender:    We have Molsonâ€Ös Canadian on tap.

Me:    Sure.  How much is that?

Bartender:    $8.00.

Me:    Ok. Here you are.  Now, whatâ€Ös the wifi password?

Bartender:    youneedtobuyadrinkfirst   No spaces and all lowercase.

-------

Teaching mathâ€Ös in 1970

1. A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit? Remember this is pre-decimal

2. Teaching math's In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 808f the price.
What is his profit?

3. Teaching math's In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80.
How much was his profit?

4. Teaching math's In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching math's In 2005
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habit of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands. Your assignment:  Discuss how
the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their
homes just for a measly profit of £20.

6. Teaching math's In 2009
A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may
be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted
in the felling license. He is also fined a £100 as his Chainsaw is
in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too
dangerous and could cut something. He has used the Chainsaw
for over 20 years without incident however he does not have
the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered
to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and
his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He
protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because
he is such an easy target. When he is released he returns to find
Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land.
He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing
an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100.  While
he is in jail the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it
on the black market for £100 cash.  They also depart leaving
behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting. The
forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped
rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains
and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace
and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a
regulated government contractor.

Your assignment:  How many times is the logger going to have to
be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to
make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live
off the state for the rest of his life?

7. Teaching math's In 2010
A logger doesn't sell a lorry load of timber because he can't get a loan
to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money
on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub- prime mortgages
in Alabama and lost the lot with only some government money
left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and
the traders who made the biggest losses.
The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry
however, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions
regulations and he is forced to scrap it.
Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and
put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage
and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for
themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English
and it is easier to deport them at the governments expense. Following
their holiday back home they return to the  UK  with different names
and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being
a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is
forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.

8. Teaching math's 2025
    Ø£ اÙäمسجÙä تبيع حموÙäÙ‡ شاحنة من اÙäخشب من اجÙä 100 دوÙäار. صاحب تكÙäÙüØ©
اÙäانت=D 8ج من
  اÙäثمن.. ما هو اÙäربح Ùäه؟


The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as
bonusâ€Ös are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out
and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.
  You do the math's.


---------------


Horatio Nelson at Trafalgar

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the
meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his or her duty,
regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or
disability.
" - "What gobbledegook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities
employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest
it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free
working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full
speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness,
and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up
there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even
to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by
playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the
areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the
crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing
in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men
to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that sir. It's just that they're afraid of being
charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on
board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now.
According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this
stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying
that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural
age. Now put on your Kevlar vest. It's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy
and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on
corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case............... kiss me, Hardy.

------------
Sexual nature -




















The next time you see a little old lady with shaky hands, you'll
remember this....& giggle.

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door
of a sex shop.
Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet
across the store to the counter.  Finally arriving at the counter and
grabbing it for
support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk: '.... Dddooo youuuu hhhave
dddddiilllldosss?'

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: 'Yes we
do have dildos.
Actually we carry many different models.'
The old woman then asks:   'Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy AAA pppinkk onnee,
tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabbouttt twoo inchesss ththiickk . .
aaand rrunns by
bbaatteries?'  The clerk responds, 'Yes we do.'

She asks: ' .... Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn
ttthe
ssunoooffabbitch oooofffffffffff


--

Best Wishes
Dave.




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