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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 02.09.21 08:33l 308 Lines 11008 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 25373_GB7YEW
Read: DJ6UX GUEST
Subj: jokes 2/9
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Sent: 210902/0606Z 25373@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
A month that comes in good, goes out bad
------
Forgotten Words
---------------
I haven't thought about fender skirts in years. When I was a kid, I
Considered it a strange term. It made me think of a car in lady's clothing.
Thinking about fender skirts started me thinking about other words that
Quietly disappear from our language with hardly a notice. Remember "curb
Feelers" and "steering knobs"? Since I'd been thinking of cars, my mind
Naturally went that direction first. You kids will probably have to find
Some elderly person to explain some of these terms to you.
Remember "Continental kits?" They were rear bumper extenders and spare tire
Covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a Lincoln Continental,
But never worked, in my estimation.
Why did we quit calling them "emergency brakes?" At some point "parking
Brake" became the proper term. But I miss the hint of drama that went with
"emergency brake."
I'm sad, too, that almost all the old folks are gone who would call the
Accelerator the "foot feed."
Here's a phrase we heard all the time in our youth but never anymore,
"store-bought." Of course, just about everything is store-bought these
Days. But once it was bragging material to have a store-bought dress or a
Store-bought bag of candy.
"Coast to coast" is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement and now
Means almost nothing. Now we take the term "worldwide" for granted.
This floors me on a smaller scale, "wall-to-wall" was once a magical term
In our homes. In the '50s, everyone covered their hardwood floors with,
Wow, wall-to-wall carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall
Carpeting with hardwood floors. Go figure.
When's the last time you heard the quaint phrase "in a family way?" It's
Hard to imagine that the word "pregnant" was once considered a little too
Graphic, a little too clinical for use in polite company. So we had all
That talk about stork visits and "being in a family way", simply
"expecting", or "P. G."
Apparently "brassiere" is a word no longer in usage. I said it the other
Day and my daughter cackled. I guess it's just "bra" now. "Unmentionables"
Probably wouldn't be understood at all.
It's hard to recall that this word was once said in a whisper, "divorce."
And no one is called a "divorcee" anymore. Certainly not a "gay divorcee."
Come to think of it, "confirmed bachelors" and "career girls" are long
Gone, too.
Most of these words go back to the '50s, but here's a pure-'60s word I came
across the other day, "rat fink." Ooh, what a nasty put-down!
Here's a word I miss, "percolator." That was a word that was fun to say.
And what was it replaced with? "Coffeemaker." How dull. Mr. Coffee, I blame
you for this.
I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so modern and
now sound so retro. Words such as "DynaFlow" and "ElectraLux." "Introducing
the 1963 Admiral TV, now with SpectraVision!"
Food for thought: Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago? Nobody
complains of that anymore. Maybe that's what castor oil cured, because we
never hear mothers threatening their kids with castor oil anymore, either.
I know of another word that has changed meaning just in the last few years.
Thongs used to mean shoes that are now called flip-flops. Guess what thong
means now!
Some words aren't gone, but are definitely on the endangered list. The one
that grieves me most, "supper." Save a great word. Invite someone to
supper. Discuss fender skirts.
I am going to add one more here. Happened the other day a meteor came
through the atmosphere above the Pacific Northwest. The news reports said
it was the size of a 'computer monitor'. Struck me funny as in our day it
would have been the size of a "bread box." Now people don't know what a
bread box is.
Are we getting old?
--
Palm Reading ;-
You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends.
---
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published
by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the
exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
More tomorrow
_______
Why men shouldn't be Agony aunts.
Dear Phil
I left home for work last week and after less than a mile my car stalled
and wouldn't start.
I walked back to my house and found my husband in bed with our 19 year
old babysitter.
They announced that the affair had been going on for two years.
Can you help me…I'm desperate.
Dear Reader
The most common cause of vehicles breaking down in the first mile is
dirt in the fuel lines.
Hope this helps.
Phil.
-----------
A new Asda Supermarket opened here recently. It has an automatic water
mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the
distant
sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience
the scent of fresh cut hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks
and brauts.
In the liquor department, the fresh, clean, crisp smell of tapped Miller
Lite.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the
air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalising smell of fresh baked
bread & cookies.
I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.
-----------
Selling A Car
-------------
A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems
selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 kilometres on it. One day,
she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette
told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's
Not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the
car."
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He
owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will 'fix it'. Then it
should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.
About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell
your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "Why should I? It only has 50,000 kilometres on
it!"
Good Bad And Worse
------------------
GOOD: You find an Armani suit on sale at a terrific price!
BAD: It needs a little work at your alterations shop.
WORSE: The tailor there has never seen a Stanley Armani suit before.
GOOD: The tests are positive - you're gonna' be a dad again!
BAD: You really can't afford another kid on your pay.
WORSE: You haven't told your wife.
GOOD: Your mother in-law makes a chocolate cake you love!
BAD: You get home and she's come for dinner, apparently empty-handed.
WORSE: No, she's brought your cake. It's in the den with her luggage.
GOOD: You went for the 200,000 km, head-to-tail warranty on the RV.
BAD: You watch the odometer pass 199,999.
WORSE: ...When a cloud of white smoke fills the passenger compartment.
GOOD: The kids are getting really good at surfing the Internet!
BAD: You worry about all the sicko porn sites out there!
WORSE: You get a bill for hosting a website - www.kiddiesleaze,.co
GOOD: You're enjoying Parent's Night at Millard C Fillmore Jr. High
school...
BAD: ...Until a school counsellor urges therapy for both your son and
daughter.
WORSE: You only have one kid.
GOOD: You've got the nicest gardens in town thanks to Mario, your gardener.
BAD: Your wife beams when she talks of the hours spent helping him.
WORSE: She doesn't have a suntan.
GOOD: You're the man! You'll go to the National Trade Show with the Boss.
BAD: Hotel space is tight. You will share his suite for a week.
WORSE: On the flight, he tells you you're cute.
GOOD: Your daughter loves a nice young man, the owner of the local hair
salon.
BAD: There's a rumour going around town that he's gay.
WORSE: Your wife guarantees you that he's not.
--------
ALL GIRL BIKER BAR
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by
mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you
wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given
that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in
karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight
lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that
blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.
-----------
The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.
I told her I was looking for cheap flights.
"I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited, unzipped my
trousers and gave me the most amazing sex ever....which is really
odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
--------
Rusi and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons,
watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Rusi didn't
show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold
or something.
But after Rusi hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam
didn't know where Rusi lived, so he was unable to find out what had
happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Rusi, but
one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! -- there sat Rusi! Sam was
very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said, 'For crying out loud Rusi, what in the world happened to you?'
Rusi replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'
'Well' Rusi said, 'you know Cindy, that cute little blonde waitress at
the coffee shop where I some-times go?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, I remember her. What about her?
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and at 89 years old, I
was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty.'
'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
--------
Tom: You can tell who's running the country by how much clothes people
wear,see?
Dick: Do you mean that some people can afford more clothes on, and some
people have... Less on? Is that what you mean?
Tom: That's right.
Dick: I don't understand.
Tom: See, the ordinary people, you'd say that the ordinary people are
the less-ons.
Dick: So who's running the country?
Tom: The morons.
--
Best Wishes
Dave.
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