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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 29.08.21 09:46l 389 Lines 12561 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 25173_GB7YEW
Read: DJ6UX GUEST
Subj: jokes 29/8
Path: DB0FHN<OE2XZR<OE6XPE<IW2OHX<UA6ADV<I0OJJ<EA2RCF<LU9DCE<GB7YEW
Sent: 210829/0743Z @:GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO #:25173 LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Locusts sing when the air is hot and dry
------
Peter Kay Funnies:
1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it.
I said Thyroid problem?'
2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.
then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way so I
stole one and asked him to forgive me.
3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles but I can't get my
wife to go swimming.
4) I was doing some decorating so I got out my step-ladder.
I don't get on with my real ladder.
5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'.
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston
Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened
criminals.
7) Well I was bullied at school called all kinds of different names.
But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may
break my bones but names will never hurt me 'and it worked!
From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire 'which is
probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
9) Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner you better
have a good hand.
10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My
neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said ''No six should be
enough.'
11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals then why are they made
out of meat?
12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea they get all nervous and
give the wrong answers.
13) You know that look women get when they want sex? Nome neither.
14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away
from things they don't understand such as working for a living.
15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I think I've forgotten this before
Peter Kay's Universal Truths:
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is
when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete
stranger.
4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to
have a fire in your back garden.
6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
8) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you
at the first given opportunity.
10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half
way through and then raced against the flush.
11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
15) Despite constant warning you have never met anybody
who has had their arm broken by a swan.
16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin
piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit Wisdom is not
putting it in a fruit salad.
Some great questions brought to you by Peter Kay:
1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get
undressed?
2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way
down to the core of the earth?
3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?
5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing
you do is stand up and say'
My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?
6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
8) Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains
for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast
to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say 'I think
I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes
out'?
12) What do people in China call their good quality plates?
13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time
but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
14) What do you call male ballerinas?
15) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
16) If quizzes are quizzical what are tests?
17) If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables then what is baby oil made from?
18) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a
billion stars in the universe you believe them but if they tell you
there is wet paint somewhere you have to touch it to make sure?
---
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published
by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the
exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
_______
On vacation in Hawaii my mother called a cafe to make reservations
For 7:00 PM.
Checking her book the cheery hostess said" I'm sorry but all we have
Is 6:45 PM. Would you like that?"
"That's fine" Mom replied.
"Okay" the hostess confirmed. Then she added "Just be advised that
You may have to wait 15 minutes for your table."
----------------
Soon after being transferred to a new duty station my Marine husband
Called home to tell me he would be late - again. He went on to say that
Dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon's quarters and they
Had to discipline the whole squad. I launched into a tirade arguing
That many men had pictures hanging in their quarters at our previous
Post so his new platoon should not be penalised for something trivial.
My husband calmly listened to my gripes and then explained" Honey Dirty
magazines: the clips from their rifles had not been cleaned."
--------
A young man shopping in a supermarket
noticed a little old lady following him around.
If he stopped she stopped.
Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout and she turned to him
and said" I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease it's just
that you look so much like my late son."
He answered "That's okay."
"I know it's silly but if you'd call out 'Good bye Mum' as I
leave the store it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout and as she was on her way out of
the store the man called out "Goodbye Mum."
The little old lady waved and smiled back at him..
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day
he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85" said the clerk..
"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."
The clerk replied"Yeah but your Mother said you'd be paying for
her things too."
Bet you thought this was going to be a tear jerker.
Don't trust Little Old Ladies!!!
--------
Wedding
-------
At my friends' wedding reception the groom stood to say a few words. He
Turned to his bride's mother. "You've given me a gift" he began"a gift
That..."
Here he paused in thought whereupon his mother-in-law completed the
Sentence"That you can't return!"
People
------
"In a recent poll one in four people said they'd donate a kidney to a
Complete stranger. Yeah sure... 90 9eople won't even let a stranger
Merge in traffic!"
--Jay Leno
---------
Real 911 Calls "BELIEVE" it or not!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house
on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: no I'm wearing a blouse and slacks why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and
cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table
and when I came back from the bathroom someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: no but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it
Dispatcher: 9-1-1Fire or emergency?
Caller: fire I guess.
Dispatcher: How can I help you sir?
Caller: I was wondering.....does the Fire Dept. Put snow chains on
their trucks?
Dispatcher: Yes sir do you have an emergency?
Caller: well I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains on
my tires and...
Well.. Do you think the Fire Dept. Could come over and help me?
Dispatcher: Help you what?
Caller: Help me get these chains on my car!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an
eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: yes ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: honey I may be old but I'm not stupid.
And the winner is..........
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: yeah I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.
Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: sir where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at! A pay phone. North and Foster. Oh Darn!!!
Dispatcher: sir an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller:! No.
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble
breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
Church
------
Because our former small-town parish was not a wealthy one our pastor was
Dependent on parishioners for upkeep and maintenance of the church. Once he
Asked my husband Sam to rewire the confessionals.
The only way to reach the wiring was to enter the attic above the altar and
Crawl over the ceiling by balancing on the rafters. Concerned for my
husbands' safety I waited in a pew. Unbeknown to me some parishioners
Were congregating in the vestibule. They paid little attention to me
probably assuming I was praying.
Worried about my husband I looked up toward the ceiling and yelled"Sam
Sam! Are you up there? Did you make it okay?"
There was quite an outburst from the vestibule when Sam's hearty voice
Echoed down"Yes I made it up here just fine!"
---------------
An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive Into the woods.
Looking for his ball he finds a wee Leprechaun flat on
His back a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified the golfer got his Scotch from the cart and
Poured it over the little guy reviving him.
Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. "Oh I see.
Well ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes so whaddya want?"
Thank God you're all right!" the golfer answers in
Relief. "I don't want anything. I'm just glad you're okay and I
apologize. I really didn't mean to hit you." And the golfer walks off.
What a nice guy" the Leprechaun says to himself. "But it
Was fair and square that he got me and I have to do something for
Him. I'll give him the three things I would want-a great golf game
All the money he ever needs and a fantastic sex life."
A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the
American golfer is back on the same hole he again hits a bad drive
into woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here" the little guy
Says. "I just want to ask ye how's yer golf game?"
My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "In fact
that's the first bad
ball I've hit in a year! I'm an internationally
famous golfer now." He adds"By the way it's good to see you're
All right."
Oh I'm fine now thankee. I did that fer yer golf game Ya know. And tell me
how's yer money situation?"
Why it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "I win
fortunes in golf." If I need cash I just reach in my pocket and pull
Out £100 notes I didn't even know were there!"
I did that fer ye also. And tell me how's yer sex life?"
The golfer blushes turns his head away embarrassed and
Says shyly"It's OK."
C'mon c'mon now" urged the Leprechaun"I'm wanting to
know if I did good job. How many times a day? "
Blushing even more the golfer looks around then whispers"Once
sometimes twice a week."
What?!?!" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all?
Only once or twice a week?"
Well" says the golfer"I figure that's not bad for a
Catholic priest in a small parish"
--
Best Wishes
Dave.
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