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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 19.08.21 08:31l 367 Lines 10888 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 24746_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST DJ6UX
Subj: jokes 19/8
Path: DB0FHN<DB0FFL<OE5XBL<DB0RBS<DB0RES<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<EA2RCF<LU9DCE<
GB7YEW
Sent: 210819/0610Z 24746@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Like clouds and wind without rain is a man who boasts of gifts he does
not give
------
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks
her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff"I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you
expect me to show it to you!"
--
Quotes
Hell is empty and all the devils are here.
-- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Tempest"
--
Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his
feet.
"What the @#!*you doing?" he asks.
"Hanginâ€Ö meself" Paddy replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
"I tried dat" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".
------
The Robbery
-----------
A jeweller called the police station to report a robbery. "You'll never
believe what happened, Sergeant. A truck backed up to my store, the doors
opened and an elephant came out. He broke my plate glass window, stuck his
trunk in, sucked up all the jewellery and climbed back into the truck. The
doors closed and the truck pulled away."
The desk sergeant said, "Could you tell me, for identification purposes,
whether it was an Indian elephant or an African elephant?"
"What's the difference?" asked the jeweller.
"Well," said the sergeant, "an African elephant has great big ears and an
Indian elephant has little ears."
"Come to think of it, I couldn't see his ears," said the jeweller. "He had a
stocking over his head."
Burglar
-------
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had
broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," the desk sergeant told him.
-----------
A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET.
HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO
SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP.
THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK.
BUT ABOUT EVERY 10 SECONDS OR SO HE PUTS THE BOOK
DOWN, GRIPS ONTO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND
AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT
HAND.
HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN
IN HERE FOR A WHILE."
BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MUMMY... I JUST HAVEN'T DONE IT YET."
MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES.
BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"
BILLY SAYS:
"IT WORKS ON THE TOMATO SAUCE BOTTLE!"
-----------
Observations
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole
a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat
you with experience.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a
garage makes you a car.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a
fruit salad.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed
to tell you why it isn't.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is
research.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train
stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can
train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you
don't need it.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In an
emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said
"Implants?"
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,
but check when you say the paint is wet?
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50
for Miss America ?
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
successful man is usually another woman.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to
skydive twice.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
you will look forward to the trip.
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you
wish they were.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a
great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they
can't get away.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a
shot of tequila.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department
usually uses water.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit
the target.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no
imagination whatsoever.
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when
you are in it.
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have
more than one child?
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
-----------
The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.
Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland
quite cheaply.
So, they brought the cow over from Scotland.
It was absolutely wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day
and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows,
so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever
the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move
away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who
was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.
When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he
attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other
side."
The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before
asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned
that they had brought the cow over from Scotland.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we
got the cow from Scotland?
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from
Scotland"
--------
--------
A pregnant teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says:
'Can you come and get me? I think ma water has broken'
'Okay,' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing from?
'Fae my knickers tae ma feet. '
A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
'Comfy?'asks the dentist.
'Govan,' she replies.
What did the male Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography ?
Oor Wullie.
A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for the set of
Antlers?'
'Two hundred quid,' says the bloke behind the counter'
'That's affa dear,' says the guy.
'Aye yer right!' replies the bloke
Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?
He's awa' noo.
After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be
Wearing the kilt.
'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.
'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress,'
Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq?
Coo eight.
A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning
His sister from a telephone box. So he
Calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice:
'Is there money in the box?
'Naw, it's just me,' he replies.
While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband:
'Do you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?'
And he says: 'Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo.'
What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy?
Hawkeye The Noo.
What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
A skean dhu.
How many Spanish guys does it take to change a light bulb?
Just Juan.
Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the
Toilets at Waverley Station?
It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.
Why was the Chinese restaurant so bad?
Because the chef was Lou Ping.
While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:
'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?' 'I'd put him off at
The next stop,' he says. 'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't
Get the fare?' 'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.
Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a
Negative - 'Aye right.'
-----------
THE TOILET SEAT
Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint
the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to doing it while
Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter
before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the
showe, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up,
She realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet
seat.
About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament. They
both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.
Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts. Lucy
wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital
emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free
her (Try to get a mental picture of this).
Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well,
Doctor, I'll bet
you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them...
I just never saw one mounted and framed."
--
Best Wishes
Dave.
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