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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 17.08.21 08:30l 310 Lines 8660 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 24672_GB7YEW
Read: DJ6UX GUEST
Subj: jokes 17/8
Path: DB0FHN<OE2XZR<OE5XBL<DB0RBS<DB0ERF<DB0RES<ON0AR<VK6HGR<VK7AX<VK2IO<
GB7YEW
Sent: 210817/0617Z 24672@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Flies will swarm before a storm
-------
Glasgow Boys join Ferrari.
"The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."
This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of
The British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ
Some Glasgow youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary
On how unemployed youths from Castlemilk were able to remove a set of
Wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's
Existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high
Tech equipment.
It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari
Management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage
Over every other team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's
First practice session, not only was the Glasgow pit crew able to change all four
Wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-
badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 million cases of Stella, a bag of weed and
Some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.
-------------
A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired
two new dogs and asked her what their names were. The blonde
responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named
Timex. Her friend said "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like
that?"
"HELLOOOOOO" answered the blond.
"They're watch dogs!"
-----
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her
Husband"I look horrible I feel fat & ugly pay
Me a compliment."
He replies "Your eyesight is perfect."
Wife gets naked & asks hubby "What turns you on
More my pretty face or my sexy body?"
Hubby looks her up & down and replies"Your sense
Of humour!"
An elderly couple is attending Mass.
About halfway through the wife leans over and says to her
Husband'I just let out a silent fart what do you
Think I should do?'
He replies'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.
-----------
Paddy & Mick find three had grenades so they take them to a police station.
Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?" Paddy: "We'll lie
and say we only found two."
--------
Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the
shampoo?"
Paddy says"yes but it's for dry hair and I've just freekin wet mine."
--------
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked
to buy half a head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole
heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room the boy said to the manager 'Some old boy
wants to buy
half a head of lettuce.' As he finished his sentence he turned to find
the man standing
right behind him so he quickly added' and this gentleman kindly offered
to buy the other half.'
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy 'I was impressed with the way you got
yourself out of
that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here.
Where are you from son?'
'New Zealand sir' the boy replied.
'Oh? Why did you leave New Zealand?' the manager asked.
The boy said 'Sir there's nothing but whores and rugby players there.'
'You don't say' replied the manager 'my wife is from New Zealand!'
'Really?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'
------
An attractive blonde from Cork arrived at the casino and bet
twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said'I hope you don't mind but I feel much luckier
when I'm completely nude'.
With that she stripped from the neck down rolled the dice
and yelled'Come on baby Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and
squealed...'YES! YES! I WON I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings
and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of
them asked'What did she roll?'
The other answered'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'
MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb but all men
are men.
--------
In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room where
Their family member lay gravely ill. Finally the doctor came in
Looking tired and sombre.
"I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news" he said as he surveyed
The worried faces "The only hope left for your loved one at this
Time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure
Semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a
Length of time someone asked "Well how much does a brain cost?"
The Doctor quickly responded "£5000 for a male brain and £200
For a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile
Avoiding eye contact with the women but some actually smirked.
A man unable to control his curiosity blurted out the question
Everyone wanted to ask "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and then to the entire
Group said "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark
Down the price of the female brains because they've been used."
--------
I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realised I desperately needed
to fart.
The music was really really loud so I timed my farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs I started to feel better. I finished my pint
and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
-------------
Sexual
Towards the end of a frustrating day on the golf course Dave hit
His ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow
buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play he ended up thrashing just about every
Buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden.....POOF!!
In a flash and puff of smoke a little old woman appeared.
She said"I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to
Make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done you won't have any
Butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still you won't
Have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.
As a matter of fact you'll never have any butter for anything the
Rest of your life!
Then POOF she was gone.
After Dave recovered from the shock he hollered for his friend Fred where
are you?
" Fred yells back "I'm over here in the pussy Willows."
Dave shouts back"DON'T SWING FRED FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T SWING!"
--------
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date
or sex In quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her
So she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her
Doctor recommended that she go see Dr Chang the well-known Chinese sex
Therapist. So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr
Chang said "OK preeze take off all you crose." The woman did as she was
Told. "Now get down and craw reery reery fass to odder side of loom."
Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr Chang then said "OK now
Craw reery reery fass back to me." So she did. Dr Chang slowly shook his
Head and said "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse
Case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates." Confused the woman
Asked "Oh my God Dr Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease?" "Disease is when
Your face rook Ed Zachary rike your arse."
-------------
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside he finds a
young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the
home-owner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her kisses
her neck then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen this
guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a
lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed
your neck. If he wants sex don't resist don't complain...do whatever he
tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry he'll kill us both..
Be strong honey. I love you!'
His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck - he was whispering in my
ear. He told me that he's gay thinks you're cute and asked if we had any
Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.
'Be strong. I love you too'
--
Best Wishes
Dave.
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