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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 15.08.21 08:47l 334 Lines 11204 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
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Subj: jokes 15/8
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Sent: 210815/0635Z 24516@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
If a cold August follows a hot July, it foretells a winter hard and dry.
----
An 80-year-old Scotsman went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor was
Amazed at what good shape the old fellow was in and asked: 'How do you
Stay in such great physical condition?'
'I am Scottish and I am a golfer,' said the old fellow: 'and that is why I
I'm in such good shape. I am up well before daylight and out golfing up
and down the fairways. I have a wee glass of whisky, and that's it.'
'Well,' said the doctor, 'I am sure that helps, but there has to be more
to it. How old was your Dad when he died?'
'Who said my Da's deid?'
The doctor was amazed. 'You mean you are 80 years old and your Dad is still alive.
How old is he?'
He is 100 years old,' said the old Scottish golfer. 'In fact he golfed
wi' me this mornin', and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and
had anither wee dram and that is why he is still alive. He is a Scot and he is
a golfer, too.'
'Well,' the doctor said, 'that is great, but I am sure there is more to it
than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?'
'Who said my grandad is deid?'
Stunned, the doctor asked, 'You mean you are 80 years old and your
grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?'
'He is 118 years old,' said the old Scottish golfer.
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point: 'So, I guess he went
golfing with you this morning too?'
'No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin' because he is getting married today.'
At this point the doctor was close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why
would a 118 year- old bloke want to get married?'
'Who said he wanted to?'
------
Quotes
In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has
shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the
Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three
hundred thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now
the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. ... There is
something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesome returns of
conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
-- Mark Twain
-
All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by the
government in less than a second.
-- Jim Fiebig
----
Letter
------
When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of
human resources. "Since I've been with the firm for so long," he said, "I
think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation."
The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter that next
day. The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk. It read,
"Jonathan Peters worked for our company for eleven years. When he left us,
we were very satisfied."
Husband's Cheque
----------------
Proud and pleased as she could be, the new, young bride, Mrs. Stanford
Strothers, strode briskly up to the teller's cage at the bank to cash her
husbands' pay cheque for the first time.
When the teller told her the cheque would have to be endorsed, the bride
Grabbed the pen and unhesitatingly wrote on the back, "I heartily recommend
My husband, Stanford Strothers."
Physical
--------
Giving a man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises on
His shins, so he asked, "Do you play hockey, soccer, or any physical sport?"
"No. I play bridge with my wife."
-------
Interesting True Tombstones!
* Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York: Born 1903-Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.
* In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery: Here lies an Atheist -
All dressed up And no place to go.
* On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery,
Nova Scotia: Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. The Good Die Young.
* In a London, England cemetery: Here lies Ann Mann, Who
Lived an old maid But died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767.
* In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery: Anna Wallace: The
Children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them
Manna. Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.
* In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery: Here lies Johnny
Yeast.. Pardon me For not rising.
* In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery: Here lies the body
Of Jonathan Blake. Stepped on the gas Instead of the brake.
* In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery: Here lays The Kid. We
Planted him raw. He was quick on the trigger But slow on the draw.
* A lawyer's epitaph in England: Sir John Strange. Here lies
An honest lawyer, And that is Strange.
* John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art In want of any, Dig 6 feet deep;
And thou wilt find a Penny.
* In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England: On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle Went out of tune.
* Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont: Here
lies the body of our Anna - Done to death by a banana. It
wasn't the fruit that laid her low, But the skin of the
thing that made her go.
* On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees, Lies the body of Jonathan
Pease. He is not here, there's only the pod. Pease shelled
out and went to God.
* To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone: To
follow you I'll not consent Until I know which way you went.
Pun Warning
-----------
DID THE PEOPLE LAUGH WHEN THE LADY FELL ON THE ICE?
No but the ice cracked up.
WHY AREN'T ELEPHANTS ALLOWED ON BEACHES?
They can't keep their trunks up.
WHAT DID ONE SAND PILE SAY TO THE OTHER?
What cha dune?
WHERE DOES A GARDNER KEEP HIS MONEY?
In a savings and lawn.
WHAT DOES A DANCER USUALLY DRINK?
Tap water.
WHEN ARE EYES, NOT EYES?
When the wind makes them water.
WHY DID HUMPTY DUMPTY HAVE A GREAT FALL?
To make up for a lousy summer.
WHICH PRESIDENT WAS FROM OUTER SPACE?
Ronald Ray-gun.
------
We Must Stop This Immediately!
Have you noticed that Stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier.
And, everything is farther away.. Yesterday I walked to the corner and!
I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young
ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up
they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent
message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip
reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the
other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into
an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even
recognize me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this
morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own refection.........Well,
REALLY NOW- even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life
and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I
can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them
screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but
in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that
dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do
these people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but
the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the
phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number
in here!
All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless
something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer
these awful indignities.
PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON
AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!
==============
Todays laugh .... Cheer up things could be worse, so he cheered up and
sure enough things got worse ..
----------
If only life were like a computer... -
If you messed up your life, you could press Ctrl Z to undo a mistake.
When life seems frozen, just hit "Alt, Ctrl, Delete" and reboot.
To get your daily exercise, just click on "Start/Run"!
Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.
To add/remove someone in your life, click Settings and Control Panel.
To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.
If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.
When you loose your car keys, click on "Find".
Need "Help" with the chores? Just click F1.
Auto insurance wouldn't be necessary. You would use a disk to recover
from a crash.
---------
A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The
Horse's' trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to
remember
With this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout,
'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that,
You'll be fine."
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The
Race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the
Trainer's' ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the
centre
Of the jump. They carry on and approach the second hurdle.
The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear.
The same thing happens-the horse crashes straight through the centre of the
Jump. At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do
It" and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly.
Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This
continues for
The rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only
finishes
Third. The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong.
The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me-it's this silly horse.
What is he
Deaf or something?"
The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf-he's BLIND!"
--------
Daily Thoughts
"Our local Catholic church has plans to bring their parishioners to
services by
Bus; they plan to call it mass transit."
~ Robert Tanner
"When on the ladder of success, don't let boys look up your dress!"
~ Unknown
"Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, I
say, are
You going to drink that?"
~ Lisa Claymen
Reader's Story
When my niece was only 6, her mom was preparing for elective surgery as
she had
decided that one boy and one girl was just right. After much consideration a
tubial ligation was decided on. Surgery was scheduled during the school
day, my
young niece had to present a note alerting the teacher a new ride was coming
for her that day after school. Anxious to explain she blurted out to her
instructor, "My Mom is having her boobs tied!"
~ Chris
Last Laugh
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the
subject
of marriage counselling came up.
"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the
wife explained.
"He was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts. He
communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."
--
Best Wishes
Dave.
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