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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 13.08.21 07:48l 311 Lines 8701 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 24400_GB7YEW
Read: DJ6UX GUEST
Subj: jokes 13/8
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Sent: 210813/0537Z 24400@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Rain before seven, fine before eleven
-----------
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
Things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
Published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
These exchanges were actually taking place.*
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_______
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
__________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
_________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Now I come to think of it I'm not sure, although I usually am.
____
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
__________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
_________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.
_____ ___
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, I often come in here on my way to work.
_____
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WIT NESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
__
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
___________
And the best for last: *
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
---------
Thoughts
My life may not be perfect, but I am blessed.
---
“The man who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.”
Viral tweet from @pegarella, quoted in the Times.
-----
“I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of them-selves”
Sathnam Sangheras favourite joke.
------
Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're having sex
wijour wife.
The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." Paddy
says: "Well the joke's on them cos I wasn't even at home yesterday."
------
Auto
----
A man and his wife had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks.
He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports car so she could
Zip through traffic around town.
He would have settled on a used truck, but everything she seemed to like
Was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or
Less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me!"
For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Assault charges are pending.
Family
------
A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to
Prospective tenants and asking the usual questions.
"Professionally employed?" he asked.
"We're a military family," the wife answered.
"Children?"
"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.
"Animals?"
"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."
Vacation
--------
"We can stay out late tonight," Joe told his friend Brad.
"My wife's gone for a two-week vacation in the Caribbean."
"Jamaica?" Brad asked.
"No, it was her idea."
---
A visitor to my home once noted that a wall clock in my living room has
The numbers the opposite way around the dial than normal and that the
Fingers of the clock go anti-clockwise. He said that he thought it was
Unusual. I told him, "Yes, it's an Irish clock". He said, " Isn't that
Rather a racist comment against the Irish?" To which I responded, "Not at
All, it clearly states on the bottom of the clock face, Made in Ireland"
-----
One man went into a shop to purchase a "Westminster chimes" clock. The
Shop assistant informed him, "This clock will keep going for 8 days
Without winding." To which the customer replied, "Oh yes, and how long will
It go for if I wind it up then".
--------
President Trump calls the Head of the CIA and asks,
'how come the Jews know everything before we do?'
The CIA chief says, 'The Jews have this expression:
'Vus titzuch?'
The President says, 'What does that mean?'
'Well, Mr. President', replies the CIA chief, 'it's
A Yiddish expression which roughly translates to 'what's happening',
'They just ask each other and they know everything.'
The President decides to go undercover to determine if
This is true.
He gets dressed up as an Orthodox Jew, black hat, beard,
Long black coat, the whole schtick and is secretly flown
In an unmarked plane to New York, picked up in an unmarked
Car , and dropped off in Crown Heights, Brooklyn's most
Jewish neighbourhood.
Soon a little old man comes shuffling along.
The President stops him and whispers, 'Vus titzuch?'
The old guy whispers back: ' Trump is in Brooklyn '
-------------
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a
Well. The animal cried piteously for hours as
The farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the
Well needed to be covered up anyway;
It just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbours to come over and
Help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began
To shovel dirt into the well. At first, the
Donkey realised what was happening and cried
Horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he
Quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally
Looked down the well. He was astonished at what
He saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his
Back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel
Dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it
Off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
Stepped up over the edge of the well and
Happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds
Of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well
Is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
Our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out
Of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
Never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
Live simply and appreciate what you have.
Give more.
Expect less
NOW ...........
Enough of that crap. ..The donkey later came back,
And bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected and
The farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong, and try to cover
Your arse, it always comes back to bite you.
--
Best Wishes
Dave.
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