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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 11.08.21 08:19l 254 Lines 8237 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 24289_GB7YEW
Read: DJ6UX GUEST
Subj: jokes 11/8
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Sent: 210811/0606Z 24289@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Birds flying low Expect rain and a blow
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Headlines From The Year 2029
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Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest
Country in the world, Mexifornia formally known as California. White
Minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third
Language.
The Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and
Livestock.
Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the
Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).
Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more
Years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally,
But President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail
Delivery to Wednesdays only.
85-year $75 billion study : Diet and Exercise are the keys to weight loss.
Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed,
They now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters
And rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
Congress authorises direct deposit of formerly illegal political
Contributions to campaign accounts.
Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.
IRS sets minimum tax rate at 75 percent.
Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines
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Thoughts
I don't have everything I want, but I do have all I need.
--
The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on.
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Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:
Superiority is recessive.
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SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks
her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff"I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you
expect me to show it to you!"
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RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river
and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts"How
can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the
river then down the river and shouts back"You ARE on the other
side."
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KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on
the freeway. Glancing at the car he was astounded to
see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realising that
she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren the trooper
cranked down his window turned on his bullhorn and yelled"PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back"IT'S A SCARF!"
-------
Peter Kay Funnies:
1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it.
I said Thyroid problem?'
2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.
then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way so I
stole one and asked him to forgive me.
3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles but I can't get my
wife to go swimming.
4) I was doing some decorating so I got out my step-ladder.
I don't get on with my real ladder.
5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'.
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston
Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened
criminals.
7) Well I was bullied at school called all kinds of different names.
But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may
break my bones but names will never hurt me 'and it worked!
From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire 'which is
probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
9) Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner you better
have a good hand.
10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My
neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said ''No six should be
enough.'
11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals then why are they made
out of meat?
12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea they get all nervous and
give the wrong answers.
13) You know that look women get when they want sex? Nome neither.
14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away
from things they don't understand such as working for a living.
15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I think I've forgotten this before
Peter Kay's Universal Truths:
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is
when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete
stranger.
4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to
have a fire in your back garden.
6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
8) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you
at the first given opportunity.
10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half
way through and then raced against the flush.
11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
15) Despite constant warning you have never met anybody
who has had their arm broken by a swan.
16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin
piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit Wisdom is not
putting it in a fruit salad.
Some great questions brought to you by Peter Kay:
1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get
undressed?
2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way
down to the core of the earth?
3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?
5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing
you do is stand up and say'
My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?
6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
8) Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains
for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast
to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say 'I think
I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes
out'?
12) What do people in China call their good quality plates?
13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time
but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
14) What do you call male ballerinas?
15) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
16) If quizzes are quizzical what are tests?
17) If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables then what is baby oil made from?
18) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a
billion stars in the universe you believe them but if they tell you
there is wet paint somewhere you have to touch it to make sure?
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California, n.:
From Latin "calor", meaning "heat" (as in English "calorie" or
Spanish "caliente"); and "fornia'" for "sexual intercourse" or
"fornication."
Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex."
-- Ed Moran
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Best Wishes
Dave.
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