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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 09.08.21 08:38l 258 Lines 6970 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 24126_GB7YEW
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Subj: jokes 9/8
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Sent: 210809/0623Z 24126@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Don't spit into the wind
------
A buddy of mine works in an office where a computer going down causes quite an inconvenience.
Recently, one of the computers not only crashed, it made a noise that
Sounded like a heart monitor.
"This computer has flat-lined!" a co-worker called out with mock horror.
"Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse
-----
Thoughts
Live your life and forget your age.
---
Vagaries of English Language!
Ever wonder why the word funeral starts with FUN?
Why isn't a Fireman called a Water-man?
How come Lipstick doesn't do what it says?
If a Vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a Humanitarian eat?
How do you get off a non-stop Flight?
Why are goods sent by ship called CARGO and those sent by truck SHIPMENT?
Why do we put cups in the dishwasher and the dishes in the Cupboard?
Why is it called 'Rush Hour' when traffic moves at its slowest then?
How come Noses run and Feet smell?
Why do they call it a TV 'set' when there is only one?
---
Did you know that if you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you
get the answer to each of them.
------
In evidence the court heard that a prosecution had been brought by the
public
health authorities against the proprietors of a local home bakery, alleging
negligence and a failure to exercise proper vigilance in the preparation of
foodstuffs. The proceeding had been initiated after a member of the public
had reported to the health people that she had almost been choked by a long
strand of human hair which had been baked into a confection made by the
defendants. The bakery said that they always took great precautions to
ensure
that their products were produced in the most hygienic of conditions, and to
that end all of their baking staff were obliged to wear headgear at all
times.
‘All I can say‘, said the presiding Judge, ‘is that one of these ladies
must keep
her hair in a bun.‘
----
A "paraprosdokian" is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a
sentence
or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or
listener
to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for
humorous or
dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. For this reason, it
is extremely
popular among comedians and satirists.
Ø War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
------------
Brilliant Beijing Hotel Brochure - Translated as only they can.
Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the
hotel runs
along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You
will know
that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The
manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have
intercourse
with all new guests.
The Hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are
always
pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the
evenings
to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar
and expose
themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have
babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left
alone to play
with them self.
The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At
dinner,
our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.
Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter,
every room is
on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding
obscenity! .. You
will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel
and the lake
is used only by pederasts.
Bed:
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have
any other
ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She
will be
very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she
will also
squeeze your trousers.
Above All:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You
will struggle to forget it.
-------------
The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing
one half in front of his wife..
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two
piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down
between them . As he began to eat his few
Bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and
whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford
is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and
politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said,
they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a
bite. She
sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the
drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another
meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used
to sharing everything.'
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the
napkin,
the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat
a single
bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered
'THE TEETH.'
--------
The priest in a small village was very fond of the rooster and 10 hens he
kept out the back of the parish house. One Saturday night, the rooster
went missing and the priest suspected it had been stolen. The next day at
the morning mass he asked the congregation “Has anybody got a cock”.
All the men stood up.
"No" the priest said, "That wasn't what I meant, Has anybody seen a cock” ?
All the women stood up.
"No" He said with a hint of annoyance. “That wasn't what I meant. Has
anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood, up.
"No" he said angrily. “That wasn't what I meant either. Has anyone seen
my cock” ?
All the choirboys stood up.. ,
-------------
Ken was staring sadly into his beer and sighed heavily.
“Whats up Ken?” asked the bartender…
Its not like you to be so down in the mouth.”
“Its my five year old son…” the man replied.
“Dont tell me, hes in trouble for fighting in school?
My lads just the same – forget about it;
it happens to boys that age,”
said the bartender, sympathetically.
“ I only wish it was that,” continued the customer,
“ but its far worse than that. The little devil has got our
gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbour pregnant.”
“Get away, thats impossible!”
gasped the bartender.
“Its not,” said the man.
"The little bastard stuck a pin in all my condoms.”
--
Best Wishes
Dave.
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