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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 02.08.21 10:05l 375 Lines 11159 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 23841_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST DJ6UX
Subj: jokes 2/8
Path: DB0FHN<OE2XZR<OE6XPE<IW2OHX<IW0QNL<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<PI8ZTM<VK2IO<
GB7YEW
Sent: 210802/0759Z 23841@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Come rain come shine
----
A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, needed to move because his
rental agreement was terminated by the owner, who wanted to reoccupy the
home. When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him
because they felt that the children would destroy the place. He couldn't
say he had no children because he couldn't lie (as we all know, lawyers
cannot, and do not lie). So he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery
with 11 of their kids and took the remaining one with him to see rental
homes with the Estate Agent.
He loved one of the homes and the price was right. The agent asked:” How
many children do you have?" He answered: "Twelve." The agent asked,
"Where are the others?" The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look,
answered, "They're in the cemetery with their mother."
MORAL: It's not necessary to lie; one has only to choose the right
words. Don't forget - most politicians are lawyers!
---
Q: What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota?
A: Open other end.
--
"There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine," said
a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat. "And yet just a short
time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with an unanswerable question,"
said Nasrudin. "I could have answered it if I had been there." "Very well.
He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in the middle of the night?'"
-----
A Blonde's Year in Review
January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!!
March
Got really excited......finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months......
Box said '2-4 years!'
April
Trapped on escalator for hours ...
Power went out!!!
May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....
8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June
Tried to go water skiing.......
Couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....
Learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....
Car swamped because soft-top was open.
September
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???
October
Hate M & M's....
They are so hard to peel.
November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ...
Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!
December
Couldn't call 911.
'Duh'......there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!'
THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female
Neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and
Again, opened it, slammed it shut again.. Angrily, back into the house she
Went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again,
Marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it; closed harder than
Ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'
To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'
(Are you ready? This is a beauty....)
'My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'
-------------
Two redneck blonde lady hunters were dragging their dead
Deer back to their pickup truck. Another hunter approached pulling his
catch along too.
"Hey," says the lone hunter, "I don't want to tell you how to do
something... But I can
Tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the opposite
direction. Then the
Antlers won't dig into the ground." After the lone hunter left, the two
rednecks decided
To give it a try. A little while later one blonde says to the other, "Ya
know, that guy was right. This
Is a lot easier!" "Yep," the other added, "but we're gittin' further
away from the truck...."
-------------
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe... As it happens,
near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted
highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the
road in
front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to
control
the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over
at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding!
Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her
medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After
a short
while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from
a large,
old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately
blurts,
"Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a
terrible
accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My
master is a
doctor; come in and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.
An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have
misled you.
I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many
miles to the nearest
clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can
do. Igor, bring
them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob
following closely.
Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion
and his own
injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are
serious, Igor.
Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no
avail. Bob
and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the
steps to his
conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has
always found
solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills
the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement,
and he notices
the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano
music.. Stunned,
he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further
amazed as
Betty and Bob both sit up straight!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
He bursts in and shouts to his master:
"Master, Master! ..... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"
(I am soooooo sorry...... But you really should've seen that one coming)
Sexual content -
---------------
Children Writing About the Ocean... Hysterical!
1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
(Kelly age 6)
2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry age 6)
3) - If you are surrounded by ocean you are an island.. If you don't have
ocean all round you you are incontinent. (Mark age 7)
4) - Sharks are ugly and mean and have big teeth just like Emily Richardson.
She's not my friend any more. (Kylie age 6)
5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.
(Billy age 8)
6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots
and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)
7) - When ships had sails they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean.
Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make
the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans.
(William age 7)
8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful
and I like their shiny tails but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant?
Like really? (Helen age 6)
9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always
crying my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom and my big sister has just got pregnant so
I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)
10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can
give you a shock.
They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to
plug themselves in to chargers.
(Christopher age 7)
11) - When you go swimming in the oceanit is very coldand it makes my
willy small. (Kevin age 6)
12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't
go down alone so they have to go down on each other.
(Becky age 8)
13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going
very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up
her big fat ass. (Julie age 7)
14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown
I don't know. (Bobby age 6)
15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean.
What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James age 7)
-----
The things Commentators say; and then quickly regret them!
1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: “This is really a lovely horse.
I once rode her mother.”
2.New Zealand Rugby Commentator: “ Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl
Gibson comes inside of him.”
3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator: “This female lifter is
Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!”
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race in 1977: “Ah,
isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the
Oxford crew.”
5. US PGA Commentator: “One of the reasons Arnold Palmer is playing so well
is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses
them ..... Oh my god! What have I just said?”
6. In an episode of Time Team Live, Carenza Lewis was talking about finding
food in the Middle Ages: “You would eat beaver if you could get it.”
7.A US female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed
heavily but didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, “So Bob,
where's that eight inches you promised me last night?” Not only did Bob have
to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were
laughing so hard!
8.Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: “Ballesteros feels much
better today after a 69 yesterday.”
9. Clair Frisby, a presenter on Look North, was talking about a
jumbo hot dog.
She said: “There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold
night like this.”
10. Snooker player Mike Hallett was discussing missed snooker shots on
Sky Sports:
“Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.”
11. During BBC 1's UK eclipse coverage, Michael Buerk was watching
Philippa Forrester
cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth. He remarked: “They seem
cold out there. They are rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.”
12. Upon watching golfer Nick Faldo and his female caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open, commentator Ken Brown
said: “Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do
it by himself.”
--
Best Wishes
Dave.
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