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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 20.07.21 09:45l 362 Lines 10721 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 22991_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST DJ6UX
Subj: jokes 20/7
Path: DB0FHN<OE2XZR<OE6XPE<IW2OHX<IW0QNL<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<PI8ZTM<VE3CGR<
GB7YEW
Sent: 210720/0738Z 22991@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Rain before seven, fine before eleven
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
-
THIS IS A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH READ IT CAREFULLY & SHARE IT !!!!
This is from Dr. Geetha Krishnaswamy, Please give your 2 minutes and
read this:
1. Letâ€Ös say itâ€Ös 7.25pm and youâ€Öre going home (alone of course) after
an unusually hard day on the job.
2. Youâ€Öre really tired, upset and frustrated.
3 Suddenly you start experiencing severe pain in your chest that starts
to drag out into your arm and up in to your jaw. You are only about five km from the
hospital nearest your home.
4. Unfortunately you donâ€Öt know if youâ€Öll be able to make it that far.
5. You have been trained in CPR, but the guy who taught the course did
not tell you how to perform it on yourself.
6. HOW TO SURVIVE A HEART ATTACK WHEN ALONE? Since many people
are alone when they suffer a heart attack without help, the person whose
heart is beating improperly and who begins to feel faint, has only about 10 seconds left
before losing consciousness.
7. However, these victims can help themselves by coughing repeatedly and
very vigorously. A deep breath should be taken before each cough, and the
cough must be deep and prolonged, as when producing sputum from deep inside the chest.
A breath and a cough must be repeated about every two seconds without let-up until
help arrives, or until the heart is felt to be beating normally again.
8. Deep breaths get oxygen into the lungs and coughing movements squeeze
the heart and keep the blood circulating. The squeezing pressure on the heart also
helps it regain normal rhythm. In this way, heart attack victims can get to a hospital.
9. Tell as many other people as possible about this. It could save their lives!!
10. A cardiologist says If everyone who gets this mail kindly sends it
to 10 people, you can bet that weâ€Öll save at least one life.
11. Rather than sending jokes, please... contribute by forwarding this
mail which can save a personâ€Ös life.
12. If this message comes around you... more than once… please donâ€Öt get
irritated...You should instead, be happy that you have many friends who care about
you & keep reminding you how to deal with a Heart attack. on your FB wall, without
comment, only a heart, then send this message to your contacts
-----
The Value of Drink
Â
“Sometimes when I reflect on all of the wine I drink, I feel shame. Then I
 look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of
their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of
work and their dreams would be shattered.Â
Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams
come true than be selfish and worry about my liverâ€.
Â
Warning: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and pants!
Â
“I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning,
thatâ€Ös as good as they're going to feel all day.
Â
Warning: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,
smarter, faster and better looking than most people!
Â
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading!
Â
Warning: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing
WITH you!
Â
“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think notâ€.
Â
Warning:Â The consumption may cause you to think you can sing.
Â
“When we drink, we get drunk.Â
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we are asleep, we commit no sin.
--
Quotes:-
Alas, how love can trifle with itself!
-- William Shakespeare, "The Two Gentlemen of Verona"
------
It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be
privileged to
utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to corrupt the youthful
mind, and generally to scandalise one's uncles.
-- George Bernard Shaw
---
It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.
-------
The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to devise
and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation.
-- Lew Mammel, Jr.
---
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
' Ryan , you be Jesus !'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father was at the beach with his children
When the four-year-old son ran up to him,
Grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
Where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked.
'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
'Did God throw him back down?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
'Would you like to say the blessing?'
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'
----------
Dog Stop
--------
Two dogs were walking down the street. The one dog says to the other
"Wait here
a minute I'll be right back." He walks across the street and Sniffs this
fire hydrant for
about a minute then walks back across the street.
The other dog says"What was that about?"
The first dog says"I was just checking my messages."
-----
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of
Their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God
Works in mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman
says, "So
You're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!
There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we
Should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of
our days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this
must be a sign
From God!"
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is
Completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God
Wants us to drink this wine, celebrate our good fortune and see where
the evening
Leads."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement,
Opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The
Woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands
it back
To the man The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police....
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, . Don't mess with them
-------------
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new
wives duties to perform.
Terry had married a woman from America and bragged that he had told his new
wife to do the dishes and all the cleaning in the house. He said it took
a couple
of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and all the
dishes
were washed and put away.
James had married a woman from Australia and bragged that he had given his
new wife orders to do all the cleaning, the dishes and the cooking. He
told them
the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better
and by the
third day his house was clean, the dishes done and there was a huge meal
on the
table.
The third man said that he had married a Scottish girl... He boasted
that the duties
he had ordered her to do were to keep the house clean, the dishes
washed, lawn
mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table every day.
He said the first day he didn't see anything,
The second day he didn't see anything,
But by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see
a little
bit out of his left eye. Enough to make himself a bite to eat, load the
dishwasher
and call a gardener.
-------------
1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got
canned. I couldn't
concentrate.
2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack
it, so they
gave me the axe.
3. After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it
- mainly because it
was a sew-sew job.
4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.
5. Then, I tried to be a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to
my life, but I just
didn't have the thyme.
6. I attempted to be a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it I couldn't
cut the mustard.
7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I didn't have any
patience.
9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in.
10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't
live on
my net income.
11. I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company,
but the work was just too draining.
12. So then I got a job in a Workout Centre, but they said I wasn't fit
for the job.
13. After many years of trying to find steady work! I finally got a job
as a
Historian - until I realised there was no future in it.
14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was
always the same old grind.
15. SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT AND FOUND THAT I'M PERFECT FOR
THE JOB!
------------
Minor sexual content :-
A widowed Jewish lady was sunbathing on a beach at Lake Worth, Florida.
She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his
blanket on the sand next to hers and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. 'Hello,
sir, how
are you today?
'Fine, thank you,' he responded, and turned back to his book.
'I love the beach. Do you come here often?' she asked 'First time since my
wife passed away 2 years ago,' he replied and turned back to his book.
'I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away 3 years ago and it is very
lonely' she countered. ‘Do you live around here?' she asked.
'Yes, I live over in Delray Beach,' he answered and again resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, 'Do you like
pussy cats?'
With that, the man dropped his book, jumped off his blanket and on to her,
tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, 'How
did you know that was what I wanted?'
The man replied, 'How did you know my name was Katz?'
--------
--
Best Wishes
Dave.
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