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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 15.07.21 08:25l 237 Lines 6317 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 22786_GB7YEW
Read: DJ6UX GUEST
Subj: jokes 15/7 Last for a few days
Path: DB0FHN<OE2XZR<OE6XPE<IW2OHX<IW0QNL<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<PI8ZTM<VE3CGR<
GB7YEW
Sent: 210715/0619Z 22786@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Evening red and morning grey will set the traveller on his way
-------
I watch people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good just getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance!
If you can't think of a word say "I forgot the English word for it." That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot.
I'm at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.
Coronacoaster: noun; the ups and downs of a pandemic. One day you're loving your bubble, doing work outs, baking chocolate cake and going for long alks and the next you're crying, drinking gin for breakfast and missing people you don't even like.
I'm at that age where my mind still thinks I'm 29, my humour suggests I'm 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I'm sure I'm not dead yet.
I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do it's because I missed my exit.
You don't realise how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.
--
Quotes:-
After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known
quotations.
-- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare
---
"Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it."
--
"The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere."
---
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed
to be doing at the moment.
-- Robert Benchley
----
A blind man walks into a store
with his seeing eye dog. All of
a sudden, he picks up the leash
and begins swinging the dog over
his head.
The manager runs up to the man
and asks, "What are you doing?!!"
The blind man replies, "Just looking around."
======
KIDS IN CHURCH
3-year-old Reese :
'Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying:
'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
And I wanted to stay with you guys.'
------
A pregnant teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says:
'Can you come and get me? I think ma water has broken'
'Okay,' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing from?
'Fae my knickers tae ma feet. '
------
A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
'Comfy?'asks the dentist.
'Govan,' she replies.
--------
What did the male Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography ?
Oor Wullie.
A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for the set of
Antlers?'
'Two hundred quid,' says the bloke behind the counter'
'That's affa dear,' says the guy.
'Aye yer right!' replies the bloke
---------
Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?
He's awa' noo.
--------
After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be
Wearing the kilt.
'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.
'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress,'
----------
Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq?
Coo eight.
-------
A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning
His sister from a telephone box. So he
Calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice:
'Is there money in the box?
'Naw, it's just me,' he replies.
-----
While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband:
'Do you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?'
And he says: 'Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo.'
-----
What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy?
Hawkeye The Noo.
------
What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
A skean dhu.
------
How many Spanish guys does it take to change a light bulb?
Just Juan.
--------
Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for
the Toilets at Waverley Station?
It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.
-------
Why was the Chinese restaurant so bad?
Because the chef was Lou Ping.
----
While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:
'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?' 'I'd put him off at
The next stop,' he says. 'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't
Get the fare?' 'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.
-----
Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a
Negative - 'Aye right.'
-----------
Sexual -
A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet.
As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs.
The sign says:
'SEX FROGS'
Only £20 each!
Comes with 'complete' instructions.
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She
whispers softly to the man behind the counter,
'I'll take one!'
As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the
instructions!'
The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions
and reads them very carefully.
She does exactly what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to
do what he has been trained to do.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise ... Nothing
happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point She
re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it
says, 'If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.'
So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.'
Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says,
'See, I've done everything according to the instructions.
The damn frog just sits there!'
The man ... Looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly
into its eyes' and sternly says:
'LISTEN TO ME...
I'm only going to show you how to do this
ONE MORE TIME!'
--
Best Wishes
Dave.
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