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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 11.07.21 08:15l 420 Lines 9737 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 22611_GB7YEW
Read: DJ6UX GUEST
Subj: jokes 11/7
Path: DB0FHN<DB0RBS<DB0ERF<DB0RES<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<PI8ZTM<VE3CGR<GB7YEW
Sent: 210711/0607Z 22611@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
If cumulus clouds are smaller at sunset than at noon, expect fair weather
------
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, as well as the
Idiosyncrasies of English:
1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.
2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.
3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANISATION.
4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL
HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS
WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, 'WHERE'S
THE SELF-HELP SECTION?' SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
8. IF A DEAF PERSON SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS
HANDS WITH SOAP?
9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL
HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
10 . IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO 'GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?'
12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING
AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID
SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?
16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO
REMAIN SILENT?
19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE
YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
26. IF ONE SYNCHRONISED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
30. WHY ARE haemorrhoids CALLED 'haemorrhoids' INSTEAD OF 'asteroids'?
31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY
BECOME DISORIENTED?
34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiation
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell ? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination.
I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.
----------
Quotes:-
After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known
quotations.
-- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare
---
The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
---
Watson's Law:
The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the
number and significance of any persons watching it.
----
Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
---
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay £20 for a £10 item he needs.
A woman will pay £10 for a £20 item that she doesn't need.
____________ _________ ________
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
------
Catholic Parrots
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,
"Father, I have a problem.. I have two female parrots
but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say,"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have
some fun?"
That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he
thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution
to your problem. I have two male talking parrots,
which I have taught to pray and read the
Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and
we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and
your parrots are sure to stop saying ... that phrase ... in no
time."
Thank you," the woman responded,"this may very
well be the solution."
The next day,she brought her female parrots to the
priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male
parrots were
inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she
walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes,the female parrots cried out in unison:
Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male
parrot and exclaimed "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have
been answered!"
____________ _________ ________
A guy says to the bartender, "A glass of your finest Less, please."
"Less? Never heard of it."
"C'mon, sure you have."
"No, really, we don't stock it. What is it? Some kind of foreign beer?"
"I'm not sure. It was my doctor who mentioned it. He said I should
Drink Less."
--------------
When the wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a restaurant,
He was fortunate that a doctor was seated at a nearby table.
Springing up, the doctor skilfully removed the bone and saved the
man's life.
As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk again, he
Thanked the surgeon enthusiastically and offered to pay him for his
Services.
"Just name the fee," he croaked gratefully.
"Okay," replied the doctor. "How about half of what you'd have
Offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?
---------------
A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a
Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down. - (Already done by
Security)
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something Ask If They Want Fries
With that.
4. Put Your Bin On Your Desk And Label It "In".
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Got
Over Their Caffeine Addictions Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your cheque's Write "For Smuggling
Diamonds"
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
8. Don't use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order diet water with a serious face whenever you go out to eat.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme.
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds
All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their
Party Because You're Not in the Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You by Your Wrestling Name Rock
Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM Scream "I Won! I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo Start Running Towards The Car Park Yelling
"Run For Your Lives They're Loose!!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner" Due To the Economy We Are Going
To Have To Let One Of You Go."
20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......Send
This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile!!
Sermon
------
A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great statement he
Said" If I had all the beer in the world I'd take it and pour it into
the river."
With even greater emphasis he said "And if I had all the wine in the
World I'd take it and pour it into the river!"
And then finally he said"And if I had all the whisky in the world I'd
Take it and pour it into the river!"
Sermon complete he then sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile "For our
Closing song let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River.'"
Reasons You Should Buy A New Car
--------------------------------
Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.
Instead of an air bag there is a whoopee cushion taped to your steering
Wheel.
You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14 year old on a moped.
15 minute Jiffy Lube needs to keep your car for 3 days.
When you gas up the attendant asks "Can I re-duct tape that windshield
For you?"
Thieves repeatedly break in your car just to steal the "Club".
While sitting at a stop light people keep running up to you and asking if
Anyone was hurt.
Puzzle
------
A truck driver went down a one-way street the wrong way in front of a
Police department without getting a ticket. How did he do this?
_________________________________________
SCROLL DOWN TO FIND THE SOLUTION
_________________________________________
Answer: He was walking.
--
Best Wishes
Dave.
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