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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 02.07.21 08:05l 316 Lines 8113 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 22185_GB7YEW
Read: DJ6UX GUEST
Subj: jokes 2/7
Path: DB0FHN<DB0FFL<OE2XZR<OE6XPE<IW2OHX<IW0QNL<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<PI8ZTM<
VK2IO<W0ARP<AL0Y<GB7YEW
Sent: 210702/0557Z 22185@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Every wind has its weather!
-----
Thanks to Colin T
Stupid Ads -
3/
BBQ burning: "CAUTION - FIRE HOT"
---
Just Fostered a ISIS Muslim.
All 4 cans hit him right on the back of the head.
-------
Smart man smart woman = romance
Smart man dumb woman = affair
Dumb man smart woman = marriage
Dumb man dumb woman = pregnancy
____________ _________ _________
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss smart employee = profit
Smart boss dumb employee = production
Dumb boss smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss dumb employee = overtime
____________ _________ ________
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $ 10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
____________ _________ ________
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
____________ _________ ________
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and
love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not
try to understand her at all.
____________ _________ _________
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do,
but married men are a lot more willing to die.
____________ _________ _________
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does !
____________ _________ ________
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
____________ _________ ________
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in
the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'
They stopped after I started doing the
same thing to them at funerals.
--------
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money
for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a
'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby
well-to -do neighbourhood. She went to the front door
of the first house, and asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do.
'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my
porch,' he said, 'How much will you charge me?'
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and
everything she would need was in the garage. The man's
wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does
she realise that our porch goes ALL the way
around the house?'
He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'
The wife replied, ' You're right. I guess I'm starting
to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting
by e-mail lately.'
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
'You're finished already?' the startled Husband asked.
'Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so
I gave it two coats.'
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00
and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.
'And by the way, ' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's
a Lexus.'
------
Hi, My Name Is:
---------------
Art, I'm a museum curator.
Chuck, I'm a butcher.
Gene, I'm a DNA researcher.
Curt and Rod, we are in the drapery business.
Will, I'm a lawyer.
Sue. I'm also a lawyer.
Mary. I'm a justice of the peace.
Phillip, I'm a service station attendant.
Bill. I run a collection agency
Grant, I am a loan officer.
Mike. I'm an announcer
Toni and Bob, we are hair dressers.
Gail. I'm a meteorologist
John. I'm a plumber
Herb. I'm a condiment farmer.
Stu. I'm a cook.
Wade and I'm in swimming pool maintenance.
Rob. I'm a thief.
Rod. I sell guns.
Russell, I'm a cattle thief
Woody. A Forester
Les. I'm a dietitian
Hans. I'm a manicurist
Harry. I'm a barber.
Nick. I was a barber but I'm looking for a new job.
Emmy, I'm a T. V. Star
Oscar, and I'm a movie star.
Terry. I'm just hanging around lately.
Hugo, I write science fiction
Pete Moss. I sell fertiliser.
Iris. I'm an optometrist
Teddy, I'm in lingerie
Josh. I'm a talk show host
Mark. I price items at the supermarket.
Dustin. I'm a school custodian
Matt. I'm a doorman.
Homer. I am a realter.
Carol. I sing during the holidays.
Clay. I make pottery.
Derek. I'm in the oil rig business.
Neal. I lead prayer groups.
Eileen. I make orthotics for people with one leg longer than the other.
Irene. I'm Chinese and also make orthotics.
Rusty. I undercoat cars.
Sly. I'm a detective.
Bea. I'm in the honey business..
Hugh. I'm a painter.
Jim. I train boxers
Brigham. I'm a chauffeur
Dean, a college chancellor
Nat. I'm an entomologist.
Bud. I'm in flowers.
And I'm Rose. I'm a gardener. I work with Violet, Iris and Lily.
Clarence, I specialise in end-of-season inventory closeout sales.
Manuel, I write instruction books.
Boris. I lecture at the University.
They call me Pops. I sell soft drinks.
Jules, Ruby and Pearl. We're jewellers.
Marshall. I'm a peace officer.
Gil. I'm a fisherman.
John. I rent port-a-pottys.
Avery. I raise birds.
Cliff. I'm a mountaineer.
Sherry. I'm a wine-master.
Cary. I'm a porter.
Barry. I'm an undertaker.
Chevy and Mercedes. We are car dealers.
Abbie. I'm a Mother Superior.
Belle. I play the carillon.
Candy. I'm a confectioner.
Jack. I wanted to be a banker but ended up installing tires.
Dick. I'm a plain-clothes policeman.
Bet. I'm a croupier.
Kareem. I'm a pool shark
Tony. I produce plays on Broadway
Gene, I study hereditary diseases
Josh. I'm a comedian
Leo. A lion trainer.
Claude; another lion tamer
Yves. I work on roofs
Sherry. I work in a vineyard.
Ham. I raise pigs
Otto. I'm a car mechanic.
Herald. I'm a messenger.
Sandy. I'm a lifeguard.
Guy. I install antennas.
Ray. I'm an x-ray technician.
Doug, I'm a grave digger
Faith. I'm a minister.
Hope, I'm a stock broker
Charity, a televangelist
Grace: I teach etiquette
Joe, an espresso vender
Bart. I drive a bus.
Frank, the Hot-Dog vendor
I'm Brandy. The bartender.
Holly, I'm a holiday decorator
Shelly, I'm an expert on mollusks
Rich, A successful investment banker.
Moe, I'm a gardener
Brooks. I'm an irrigation consultant
Haley, an astronomer.
Tom and Tammy. We bred cats.
Cookie, I'm a baker.
Chip. I'm a professional gambler when I'm not playing golf.
Bette, I'm also a gambler
Lute. I'm a musician.
Melody. So am I.
Tellie. A gossip columnist
Ira. I'm an investment advisor.
Annette, I sell fishing supplies
Pat. I am a masseur
Rex. I own a junk yard.
Haley, I am an astronomer
Sandy, I just hang around the beach.
Dusty, I run a cleaning service.
Victor, and I'm a winner in everything I do.
----------------
According to a news report, a certain private school
in Newcastle upon Tyne was recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it
on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to
the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the
girls would put them back.
Finally the Headmistress decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the
custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the
yawns from the little Princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the
maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet bowl, and cleaned
the mirror with it, the silence was broken by a large number of gasps, a few girls
vomited and apparently someone fainted, however since then, to the relief of the
maintenance man, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
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